TREASURES
CHAPTER 13 (A dated record) LINK TO OTHER PAGES
1961
1. The Lord took me from the
womb for His own.
He called me from my father's house,
Bringing me into a strange land, to desert places.
He taught me His word; His Spirit was life to my soul.
He set me alone, silent, apart from curbing tongues.
2. He made me a rock, so
they would strive in vain upon me.
The Lord removed me from their influence
That I should not walk in the way of my fathers.
Nor in the way of teachers, but in the way of the Lord
He clothed me with His appearance.
3. Therefore was I taken to
strange places,
Chastened in the desert sands with stripes of loneliness.
The
Lord is my Redeemer, He is my strength.
The right hand of my salvation, He my praise.
He will deliver me from every need and fear.
1962
4. I am become a travailing women with a goodly child.
Was not my flesh burning, my bones weak?
My heart on fire as gold in the
furnace?
I was smelted for the Lord my God.
5. Thou Lord did baptize me with Thy Spirit.
Thou salted me by day and by night.
Thy body was my food, Thy blood my drink.
In them was I baptized from the womb of my mother.
Before I came forth I was beloved by Thee.
Thou did love me and appointed me my offerings.
Thou did infuse me with Thy fire unto Thy name.
6. After He had chastened me, I turned;
And kissed the hand that touched me.
For I love Thee my Lord, Thou art my God.
I became enlightened in Thy grace, Thy will.
I said of the wicked; "you refuse to know Him.
You love wickedness, rejoicing in adulteries.
I shall acquit myself of my sorrows for you."
7. They vexed me in sorrow for them, but no more.
I was pained in my soul, grieving for them,
But they refused to do right.
No more therefore shall I bear grief for them,
But acquit myself of sorrow.
8. The Lord bound me.
Delivered me from hunger and thirst.
He
hid me from the whip of the tongue.
I shall not fear destruction nor death.
For He revealed Himself to me.
His word made me free.
9. But my love was like a morning cloud, not enduring.
Thus He chastened me according to His mercies.
O Lord let not Thy love be to me as a morning cloud,
Nor Thy goodness as a shadow, which passes.
Be merciful O Lord, forgive Thy servant in loving kindness,
Before I pass where men search no more.
1962
CONFESSION
10. A spring of life now
bears my strength
I loved and was loved, how shall I break off?
My soul embraced, I left my strength in love.
I took her mine, strengthened her, made her mine.
Now let me reason, she bears, and I cannot take again.
How shall I deny my love, how cast off my strength?
I was overcome; I bore love and broke with love.
Her lips were overpowering, sweeter than honey.
Her looks bereaved me, thus I knew her - Via my love
1962
BY NAME.
11. My Shelah is my desire -
my Jemima.
Her love is like a young lionesses.
O how
bereaving you are, so intimate and pleasant my love.
How mighty the Lion of Judah, majestic is He,
His Lionesses a bereaving, full of sweet
goodness.
12. Ariel, for God is with
me?
Dorathea sounding her name,
For she is the Lord a gift, a well-rounded gift.
O my Shelah, my petition you are my
Onath,
His grace in answer to my prayers.
Call me Ishi, for your husband I am.
And I will call you Alman Ezer, my hidden treasure.
13. You came to me Ezri, my
help of Jehovah, His love.
How fair is my rose Rhada, my princess Sarah.
My Zerak awakens me as the golden sunrise.
In
my garden blooms Sheston, my lily fair to behold.
There I met my Keturah so sweet, pleasant as Eden.
You are my Eve, my wife, and Adna my pleasure.
14. From Bethel you came, for
you are to me of God.
I came to you for your fruits. Diklah,
my palm tree.
Be Iddo my Leboath, loving unto me, my lionesses.
O Ethni Rezzia so bountiful you are my delight.
Adin so slender, and Ithman bereaving,
My Melea to fullness. you
are like Abital the dew
And Ithra for
excellence.
15.
And my Sophir for beauty,
so Lydia soft and gentle.
My
Darria, pearl of wisdom
Indeed you are Dodat, loving,
I call her
blessedness of the Lord, His mercies.
The Eve of His hand, established in His wisdom.
A palm of beauty, Tamar my love.
O Tamar my love.
1962. Desire to be whole
16. O Lord make her unto me
Thy grace so kind, that I may behold Thy glory,
To offer to Thee my offer of sweet love, my token of gratitude.
I shall rejoice when Thou
shall bring my life unto me,
Adding love to life, to end the days of vanity.
17. Then shall my enemies be
ashamed and flee.
My heart shall praise Thy grace,
I shall be strong, strengthening myself in Thy loving kindness.
My soul shall embrace wisdom O Lord,
When Thou shall bring her unto me.
18. I long for her O Lord in
ever abiding with me,
To love and embrace Thy abundant grace.
Her deep desire shall thrill me, excite me,
Her love warming my heart to the fullness thereof.
I shall be drunken in her sweet caresses,
Rejoice
at her breast to Thy honor and glory.
1962
19. Thou O Lord has set me
for a strong judgment,
A
terrible avenger, a rock in judgment.
And
for a bundle of mercies with royal ointment.
Royal blood runs through my veins.
A crown awaits me at Thy hand.
A place in heaven near Thy throne.
1962.
Flower
of wisdom
20. The fruits of wisdom,
these my greatest desire.
Yea to discover her fruits was dearest to me.
I have a rose in golden colors with silver bells about.
Her voices are resounding
heavens glory.
She withers not, nor does her flower close
For days or months or years.
21. Cold nor heat bothers
her,
She blossoms forth in her the loveliest fragrance.
She is free of earth's labors and despair.
She is to me a constant treasure, mine in His grace.
1963
22. The Lord gave me knowledge and
understanding.
He proved me with love at heart, He made me rich.
I exceed the wise in wisdom, the learned in knowledge.
In understanding He made me to excel.
For the Lord is my God, His making am I.
23. He drew me to Himself, comforted me.
He embraced me, lifted me on high, and taught me His word.
He filled me with
understanding and insight.
His goodness was given into my heart.
When I was down, He came and consoled me.
And
I turned unto Him and was at peace.
1964
24. Everyone's heart is imperceptible, but the Lord perceives all.
Blessed is he whom the Lord causes to come near.
As wax are all those around me, parted by the touch.
Why was there no-one who laid a rod on me?
25.
Where were they to add salt to the food?
The men have fallen, they have become numb,
Good or evil is all the same to them.
O Lord break rather my bones than that I should
Have the love of men, which grows cold.
26. What are my grief’s, the pains in my body?
I am torn apart, powers battle within me.
The arrows of the Lord have put me down.
I sit in tears and sorrow, enemies bark at me.
But my Lord diverts the intentions of the wicked.
Causing them to return upon their own heads.
They mock Thy name so I might not keep Thy statutes.
27. But O Lord, how should I not keep Thy law?
For Thy Law is my delight, Thy mercy my rejoicing.
I
am Thine; shall I then sin against Thee?
Surely Lord, by Thy mercy I am set free.
Thou did love me from before ever.
Before the world stood I was Thy pleasure.
Concerning
Thy well doing I will always sing.
Thou
the highest praise, there is none like Thee.
28. The Satan is angry he beholds his destruction
I
am snatched from his hand, but he allows me
tempting to take from me life, honor, and bread.
Yet
my peace is with my God, how glorious His peace.
The wicked crackle like wood.
Their noise is altogether mere nuisance.
But
I shall sing a new song, a praise to my God.
The
New Jerusalem, the city of my joy.
1964
29. O how I am stripped, Thou Lord has overcome me,
Blocked my path, cut off my way from before me.
Thou did beckon me with pleasant goodness.
With cunning Thou has deceived me unto Thyself.
The Lord came and strengthened me.
He knew all my
hidden parts; all was open to Him.
He made me fair, precious in His sight.
30. So
have I become a bride unto Him,
My insides filled to bear fruit, rich fruit.
He suffered none to behold me,
No one
discovered Thy fair virgin.
The honor of His name is upon me.
1965
31. The Lord said: “You shall
be as a Lion and a fire.
I
shall bring you low and set watchmen around you.
And you shall peep forth out of the dust.
But
as for the multitude of your enemies,
I shall make them as the dust.
32. My heart O my God melts for Thy love.
Be merciful to Thy servant, deliver me.
For not I O Lord am Ariel, but Thou the Lion.
I am brought low to know Thy strength.
The Lord girds me with tender care.
In His loving kindness He revives me.
And now I long all the more for Him.
I am distressed, yet I hope in Thy word.
33. Thou has said: “Against my Ariel
All rise in vain, in vain all that distress her.
They shall be like a dream.
Like
a vision of the night.
For I the Lord live and deliver.
34. The Lion of Judah, the Ariel of God.
They said of me, the Jew, one who complains.
They are confused, stricken with blindness.
The
Lord leads gently those that are with young,
That are to bear forth the fruit of His strength.
35. Lord O Lord there is no turning but to Thee.
I am too ashamed to lift my voice to Thee.
But where shall I turn if not to Thee?
There is none beside Thee, I know none.
Yet they say, does he think to know it alone?
They indeed go beyond knowing no measure.
I declare Thy truth, but they hate Thy word
1965.
36. I am as a Lion, for so has He named me.
He delights in me therefore bear I afflictions.
Thou O my Father art the guide of my youth.
Grant
me one heart, one way, Thy fear in my bosom,
Then shall I never depart from Thy ways.
37. Who am I O Lord that Thou does afflict me?
That Thou should not forever be angry with me!
Thou did ordain me a king, an everlasting crown.
My forthcoming is from royal blood, Thy anointing.
38. What are the kings of the earth to me?
Or their desires that I should desire them?
Thou did call me a son of Thy favored one.
What is it with you, you ungodly, that you press me?
Take yourselves away and be caught.
You have set snares to yourselves, if only you knew.
39. With fire I am inflamed, strong to the battle,
For the Lord is with me, who shall stand against his Maker?
The Lord is my right hand, His voice over the mountains.
My heart is afire my inmost like an oven,
I tremble on my knees, my deeds press upon me.
But great is the love of the Lord for His creature.
40. Though flesh be dust, the Lord loves what is His.
He suffers them not to be lost, returning them.
I walked away while the shepherds paid no care.
They said to the wolves, "devour the sheep."
I heard, I felt it, the Lord is angry with them.
He brought me back to His flock, for I was His love.
41. That day, that boundless grace, how shall I forget?
The thunder of Thy might is great O
Holy Lord.
When Thy voice was heard, I was chastened,
In a day of deliverance, for Thy children a day of rest.
I was weak, the earth trembled, men panicked.
But as for me, it was as though He weighed me on His hand.
Thus I was still, unafraid, for He is my trust.
42. How good is the Lord to rock me so softly in His hand,
The hand of one who loves dearly, the hand of a Father.
The hand of a shepherd true and strong.
I will praise His holy name forever.
1973
A SONG
43. O my soul why do you cry?
Why are you grieved and wanting still?
Be patient in your depth of sorrow,
For the Lord will yet make your life to fill.
O my soul affection craves.
My inmost all is longing still Thy lips to kiss my love, my love.
For Thy tender care my heart melts as one weak and frail.
44. Lord my God, my Savior all,
Hasten unto me and make my soul to live.
My
soul pants for Thee O Lord, for Thy love,
For Thy grace so kind,
For Thy bosom with Thy tender mercies full
To
make me live in Thy heaven high.
To leap for joy Thy mercy kind.
And
Thy grace so bountiful.
45. My soul; Thy praises sing.
O Thou art precious Thou my Lord and Savior all.
Thou my grace and life in fullest kind,
And all Thy glory High to praise.
Thy hand has brought me life and love,
Forever in Thy glory to delight.
O how I love Thy love.
1980
46.
I
meditate on how it will be to behold my own,
To behold
where is the love of the Lord. I wonder.
And my
heart yearns for the joy, for those of my nature,
For those
of the Lord. How sweet not to hear
folly.
How
peaceful not to see gain.
I am like
a lone branch in the midst of a stream.
The
waters rush hard against me,
They pour
themselves over steep cliffs.
I looked,
but I saw no branches resisting the stream.
47.
I desire
O Lord great love, exceeding compassion,
A heart
filled with mercies, lowly and humble.
As Thou
did anoint me, let me not exalt myself.
There
will be envy and strife by my enemies.
Let not
Thy servant be over confident
Nor anger
O Lord causing me to glory in vain.
Speak
with me, you who love the Lord.
Let my eyes be on the Lord lest I stumble in anger.
48.
I
thirsted for knowledge, to know truth.
He led me
in simple beginnings, thus He came.
I grew,
my heart changed seeking that living water.
He gave
me to sustain myself, becoming more thirsty.
Now I
desire understanding more than before
As he who
drinks salty water his thirst not quenched,
So my
soul craves wisdom more than I can express.
My spirit
delights in understanding.
My thirst
refuses to be quenched.
Only in
the Lord can my thirst be satisfied.
Only in him will my thirst be quenched.
49.
Be joyful
with me you sons of the Most High.
The Lord
granted me my desire, compassion as well.
I shall
praise Him, the Lord of my fathers.
My soul
magnifies the Lord, greatly blessing my soul.
His
compassion overwhelms me.
I will
serve Him all the days of my life forever,
For He is
with me, my Savior my Lord.
Limitless
is His grace, endless His compassion.
Thou art
good Thou Savior of men, strength of the chosen.
Let the
Lord be praised all the day long.
Let my soul magnify Him forever
1987
50. How terrible it is to live, how agonizing just to be.
At evening I muse, how glorious to pass away in sleep,
But again the morning comes and I sigh for another day.
With the thoughts of my heart I torture my flesh,
With the spirit of my soul I fail to find rest.
51. I even envied Job, for so I thought, take all,
Make a full end, that I might be no more.
With my God I can reason, but with men,
Where may understanding be found?
Yet then I considered the days of my friend and at once
I shudder to think how terrible it shall be
For the lawless to endure that of which I only tasted.
52. When I am at ease I am troubled.
And when I am troubled I search to be eased,
And finding it, I search to be troubled again.
O who knows the heart of man, or I to know my own?
53. He has hidden my way from before me.
There are walls to all sides - I cannot overcome.
I have no strength, the years have added together,
Years of loneliness and of striving within me.
I
reached out, it seems so long ago,
And to this day my petition is before Him.
54. When will He deliver me, when bring me from this pit?
I thought, I shall labor, be busy at work,
Patiently await the day to my homecoming.
I labored to forget my afflictions, not to muse on them.
But my labors were in vain; there was no reaching that ledge.
55. I took a noble desire, to labor not for myself,
It
turned to agony, and even I became the beggar,
Something I had sworn I would never do.
I allowed myself to be robbed,
trodden upon.
My adversaries increased my pains upon me.
But my Savior held my soul and my heart.
He kept my life from them.
56. With the hand of the Lord, there is no escape.
Each morning I dread the day,
O how can time pass so slowly?
I cry with Job, “why light to whose way is hid?”
This I have
because I asked for understanding.
With my God I pleaded for knowledge,
Then I knew, but also the pain.
57. Await patiently my heart, endure O my soul.
What are the years or decades against eternity?
Soon you will be free, departing from the earth.
I let my life pass before me, then I became sick.
I loathe living; I despised what my hand had wrought.
58. In the bitterness of my heart I speak,
In the anguish of my soul I cry to the Lord.
Make it this day, take me home O Lord.
Search my soul if there is a trace of desire for tomorrow.
Are not the years emptiness to a man?
There is no profit under the sun,
Nor abiding among the sons of men.
59. I long to depart for longer than I care to recall.
But to live is better than to die.
Patience more than to reach beyond my Maker.
Come, so I said to my heart, be not over-vexed to sin,
Let long-suffering greet you, reach for the crown.
60. Wisdom is a joy, understanding a sheer delight.
And though I had not forgotten the pain.
Yet did I ask my Lord for more and more,
To delight in what is most desirable.
And the merciful Lord granted me my desire.
So I delighted, and sorrowed even so much more.
61. For wisdom is not in this age,
Nor is
understanding but for ages to come.
In ignorance man is contend.
In not knowing he peacefully goes to his end.
But it's the end I abhor, what awaits that I disdain.
Knowledge is life,
wisdom a crown, and with pain he is led.
For where understanding increases, is equally pain.
(1987)
62. Coming
forth from the womb I desired not to live,
To make
no sound by which breath be to me.
He who
begot me turned to shock, but they slew me hard,
Causing
me to cry out in pain, and crying I did.
And to
this day I cry being brought forth to live,
To behold the deeds done among men.
63.
Why does
the Lord try my heart, did "He" not make it?
Was it
not He who formed my spirit within me?
I am Thy
creation O Lord, wilt Thou try Thy own works?
Search,
Thou wilt find it as Thou nurtured it.
As it was
kept for Thee, so Thou will find it.
Wilt Thou
try my soul if it shall stand?
If then
it stands, it is so by Thy power.
And if it
fails, it is so from Thy hand.
64. How is it
that I question in bitterness of soul?
How yet
also answer, and why questions at all?
Uphold me
O Lord, never let me go
For I
have seen lofty trees that fell,
Green
trees on water's edge that dried out.
I know of
stars, and how they fell.
I have
heard O Lord, how Thou raises mountains,
And in
their prime, in their pride, brings them low.
They are
turned over, cast down.
Who then shall not fear Thee?
65. Let not
my soul know pride, nor vain glory,
for I
will assuredly become as the hated,
Be cast
among them that I despise.
I fear
Thee O Lord, for Thou art mighty, exceedingly great,
While
lowly I dwell among strife.
The more
Thou exalt me, the more humble my soul.
I cannot
conceive the extend of Thy mercy to me.
Thy
compassion is awesome, I bow myself, I comprehend not.
I heard, but let me not understand until I am taken.
66. Should I
ever not be pleasing, let me be as were I not,
As a
mirage that has no existence, no substance.
For I
despise the company of fools,
I loathe
to behold their faces here or in hell.
Should I
ever not be pleasing, would that I had not been.
But do
not O Lord place me in silence, while light is upon me.
Nor where
I be alone, but to Thy temple O Lord.
67. Do not
say O you people, the Lord is far,
For it
shall be injustice in you.
Let not
your lips say, “where is the Lord?”
For it
shall be bloodguilt in you.
Trust in
Him, forsake not His blessings.
Endure,
for He is faithful, near to your door.
68. The lords
in the earth perverted my labors.
I took to
flight, but they overturned me.
So I
became weary in toil to no avail.
Yet is
not my desire faded, nor my purpose in vain.
I shall
be delivered, then shall I scorn them.
Nor shall they overtake it, but I them in thousand-fold.
69. I said,
they are all liars, and thieves.
They open
their mouth to vexation, to cause pain.
The
lawless know no bounds, they embitter my soul.
They
array themselves to scorn, to bring me down.
How is it
that they leave no stone unturned?
But the
Lord keeps me, my soul was not theirs.
70. The more
Thou does show me O Lord, the more I am amazed.
As
understanding increases, the more I am astonished.
How
marvelous is Thy compassion for the child of man.
I am only
a worm, a mere speck of dust, a tender heart.
And Thou
does speak to me of things I cannot grasp.
They are
too lofty for my comprehension.
Thy
compassion is beyond measure, saving my soul,
And to bring me upon many waters.
71. Day by
day He teaches me, morning by night.
When I am
vexed He brings me a word.
When I
rejoice, His wisdom accompanies me.
Let us
praise His name, sing songs of thanksgiving.
He is
compassionate, great in bountiful mercies,
Honoring
the lowly and the humble.
Then the
lords of the earth will know -
It's the
Lord who forms the spirit of man.
1987
72. The eve of the day to come.
My heart is
heavy within me.
O how my
soul longs for the Lord.
Shall a
man expect a sign, and not have faith?
Many a
sword shall pierce through my heart.
Many a
tear shall fall, may they be of joy.
73.
It must
begin; the Lord will sound His voice.
It will
come to pass the words of the Lord.
I am
bound in Thee O Lord, I trust on Thee.
I have
spoken, yes; I shall have angered many.
So be it to them, the plenty and the famine mixed.
74.
Was I not
born to this end, how shall I stay?
I labored
to this end, the light within me.
I am
weary, yea exhausted, the days are ended, the days of my life.
At
evening I shall rest, for no longer will my life be mine.
I sigh as one heavy-laden, sigh for days to come.
75.
I shall
renew my strength in the Lord.
In faith
I shall go my Deliverer with me.
Knowledge
surpasses the labors of my hand,
There
will he time for more.
O how I
love knowledge and crave for understanding.
Yea for wisdom, for the most illustrious.
76.
Thoughts
cross my heart, am I right?
Surely
one shall live by all the word of God.
Perhaps I
have taken a thing not of Him?
Perhaps I
have relied upon my own insight?
My heart
turns; I cannot find it of myself.
The day
awaits me, grant me Thy peace O Lord.
Revive my
soul, and make my forehead as flint,
The words
of my lips like a sharp sword.
Thou art
my love, truly I love Thee.
1987
77.
Has it
not been said, the Lord loves him?
That he
shall fulfill his purpose, to prosper?
Who will
sound a voice, reproach the children of men?
Who bring rebuke into judgment?
78.
They know
not what is said, truth has hidden itself.
Understanding
has departed, they claim wisdom,
They claim understanding, themselves wiser to God.
For this
I said; you are blind, and ignorant.
And none
among them had wisdom to answer.
79.
What have
I done in secret?
Though I
did not anger them, yet had they no counsel.
Now then
I will speak, yes truthful words to them,
And of
their day, them to foam at the mouth.
Perhaps
if I anger them they shall find it to speak,
to say a
word, for they are altogether nothing,
A burden
to my ear O Lord, a contempt to consider.
Why must I have my abiding among them?
80.
By His
power the Lord will bring forth to bear.
In the
knowledge of God it will be done.
I heard
the words of my Lord to their days.
And they
are greatly perplexing.
Lowly
men, proud boasters speak and are heard.
Ignorant
men without knowledge, all blind,
Casting
their dung to be heard from the mountains.
But of
the wise I heard not one to speak.
81.
I
searched, but found not one to speak in wisdom.
The wise
have hidden themselves, being silent.
It burns
my bones, angers my heart, these boasters.
Why
should they have their voice to destruction?
No one
constrains them, nor does anyone correct them.
Would
that the truth be heard, the proud cast down.
I am sick
of their folly, sick to my soul O Lord.
Let a voice be heard, even Thy voice.
That Thy
children may come to know and rejoice.
1987
82.
How
foolish the world, how small it's understanding.
Unto what
end O Lord have I knowledge?
For what
did understanding come into me?
I despise
living, I hate this life.
I feel
contempt for the labors wherewith I labored.
It is in vain, there is no profit, it's terrible to live.
Why
should I labor to sustain my flesh.
Although food is in plenty, yet my flesh is wasting.
My
spirit allows me no life.
I look
back only to learn to hate myself.
Was I brought forth to see this misery and pain?
83.
This I
have, God granting understanding into my soul,
Giving me eyes to see, it uncovered things.
I looked around for understanding but found none.
I looked for intelligence, but found blindness.
It
is each to their gain, pleasure in darkness.
They knew
not the words that I spoke,
Nor were
they able to answer me therein.
Thus I
said; in vain have I written knowledge,
Why set forth light to those who despise it?
84.
I
determined to spend my days in the fear of the Lord.
Determined
to leave my words for another,
For
centuries to come, where there will be hearts.
I no
longer desired to share knowledge with men.
They
showed themselves beyond understanding.
How is it
to share, lest God grants eyes?
Lest God
grant the miracle of eyes, blindness prevails.
Why shall
life be given me with none to receive it?
And they
who receive, will they take it to heart?
85.
Thus I
hated living, knowledge became a burden.
A
burden upon me, with none to remove it.
They
taught me to despise them, like an illusion.
I
resolved to forget knowledge, but how can I?
Ignorance
is sweet to them that perish.
Blindness
a strong drink to those with no hope.
Who will
hear of ruin, the wise to trade their wisdom?
How will
they say, “this is profound, let it be heard?”
I have
committed the great sin, I have spoken truth.
86.
They are
in vain O Lord, rebuke them for the torment,
The
torment to Thy servant, rejoicing Thy messenger.
Must I O
Lord, must I reprove them in the flesh?
How will
I deny what I know so well?
For thus is Thy will, and thus Thou wilt do.
1987
87.
Why O
Lord has Thou created this generation of men?
Given
them mates, and yet also to bear children?
They are
a vexation to my spirit, burdening my soul.
How am I
to bear with them O my Lord?
There is
no justice, righteousness not known.
How then
shall I speak to them of such things?
When they
approach to rob me they blink not an eye.
But when
I resist being robbed they accuse me of stealing.
There is
no good in them; they threw away what was human.
Would O
lord that I might die, depart from here.
88.
I beheld
one bowed down in his body,
Helpless,
going from day to day like a beggar.
Why O
Lord does Thou not take him home,
What good
is it to live here, what profit?
I beheld,
I was stricken in heart, I thought;
If Thou
heal him, he would be like the others.
Then he
too would have a few good days,
But afterwards he shall suffer long pains.
89.
So then I
wished not for him to be healthy,
Lest he
become like this generation, to wit, in vain.
But
rather a true blessing, to take him home O Lord.
Rescue
him from this generation, or to Thy elect.
Grant me
reason to live O Lord, a mouth to Thy praises.
Oct-1988
90.
I am
weary, sorrowful unto death.
My eyes
look to the Lord. The prince of
evil sorely tries me.
Haunting
me days on end at all hours, to cause me to be angry,
To
provoke me, to trip me, to slash out in anger, and revenge.
His hopes
are that I shall return evil for evil.
He has
not ceased, tempting to defile my vow.
To void the intend of my heart.
91.
He goes
about like a roaring lion, a furious lion.
Angry at
my pure offering to the Lord.
But he
did not succeed, nor will he.
He did
not cause my offering to be in vain.
And even
when he had taken defeat, he left me not.
But it
was in his mind to take vengeance on me.
To cause me to be bitter.
92.
O Lord
drive him from me, deliver me from him.
He stalks
my soul and my flesh.
He
wearies me greatly, seeing I am only flesh.
For my
soul, as Thou know, loves truth and integrity.
I am hurt deeply, so easily broken.
O Lord my
Redeemer, how will it be?
How when Thou shalt bring me forth?
93.
How then
will my heart bear all such insults?
How then
my soul survive the onslaught
Of their
multitude arrayed in battle?
How much
must I bear O my Lord?
Does not
he who loves suffer more?
Is not
the hurt in greater compassion so much the more,
Bruised for the tenderness thereof?
94.
I asked
for wisdom, and Thou gave it me.
Compassion
more than many did I ask.
Now I
experience the tenderness thereof
How
easily she is wounded and hurt.
And this
being so O my Lord, I begin to understand
Thy hurt,
how Thou were wounded in Thy love
for us,
Thy compassion so perfect, Thy love an all-fulfilling love.
95.
How
greatly indeed O Lord Thou did suffer.
For Thy
children in Thy great love
How yet
will I survive the years allotted me?
Each of
these is like an eternity.
And I
must pass all these eternity’s
Before Thou wilt receive me home.
June
1990
96.
How long
O Lord before I may come home?
How long
must I remain in this hell?
O my dear
friends show compassion.
My heart
will be vexed, my soul deeply distressed
For the
faithless of men - lacking integrity.
97.
What will
the multitude of my enemies be?
How many
these that shall hate me? They
shall not be few.
For He
who brought me, brought me for reprove.
For
rebuke am I come, and for judgment.
Will they
act without conscience, without feeling?
These are like stones, nothing enters into them.
98.
O how
small I am, how very still.
O that my
lips were sealed to speak no folly.
In anger
I am like a fool. O how dreadful.
O how
little I esteem myself,
For while
I should know better, still I am foolish.
99.
This my
Lord said;
“If
from your lips shall pass what is worthy
Then
shall you be My mouth to speak My words".
O how
often I recall these words,
And yet,
it is what I wish not - that I speak.
O for the
foolishness of anger. O how to
control anger.
Day
2 1993.
100.
Am I not
blind, going forth in darkness?
I hear -
but do not listen. I see- but turn
my eyes away.
What am I
to perform the will of the Lord?
Or my
strength to restrain the waters?
They who
light torches for the water to pass shall die of thirst.
He who lights a fire of his own branches will be consumed in himself.
101.
As for me
I wait for the Lord and will not walk
By the
light of any fire, but by His light.
When His
fire sets me aflame I shall go forth,
And the
mountains and the hills shall he confounded.
For he
who walks in the light of his own fire shall perish,
They
shall lie down in torment.
102.
How shall
I express my grief?
I am a
dry tree; there is no life in me.
My roots
are seated deep, yet I am in vain.
I am
planted on water's edge,
Yet am I
as those who wither in the dry desert.
This
indeed is too marvelous for me to understand.
My roots
on waters edge full of life around.
And yet
no life is seen on me.
103.
The trees
around me bear leaves and branches.
But I am
like a stump left in the earth.
There is
no glory to be seen on me,
I am left
as to perish, to die on water's edge.
So I cry
to Thee O Lord, why has Thou left me?
No patch
of green is seen on me, I am wholly a dead tree.
A dried
out stump, an eyesore to the taste of men.
What now is to become of me?
104.
Would
that I were pulled out of the earth,
That my
eyes no longer behold the forest.
For why
should I behold the life of the forest
When I
cannot share in it,
When her
delight is a vexation to my soul?
Only Thou
art able to form miracles,
To bring
to life the dead tree, and to wither the green.
105.
The world
and all that is in it is the Lord’s,
The
multitude of the people are his people.
If then
He will let them go in ignorance,
So let
them go, for they are His,
And if He
will correct them,
He will
do so of His own accord,
For they are His people, His creation.
106.
What am I
that I should have desires to see them born?
These are
ignorant, so I said, they have no eyesight.
God made
them blind, and why then do I have eyes?
If I were
one of them, the fruits of my labors would come to me.
But now
this is withheld from me. I labor,
but in vain,
I am
robbed all the day long.
And why
then should I have my abiding among them?
107.
Thou has
not given me a portion with them O my God.
But Thou
did single me out giving me eyes to see.
And yet I
struggle in darkness.
Thou
caused Thy light to shine on me,
and
transformed me from darkness into light,
And yet
am I as the blind that see not.
108.
Why
is there breath in my nostrils that
I should
bear these people Thou has created?
Why is my
life among them that my eyes should behold them?
If they
were living I would rejoice,
But these
O Lord, though they live yet are they dead.
And so my
eyes behold what must perish,
And my soul pains for what is inevitable.
109.
O that
Thou would crush me O Lord,
My eyes
no longer to behold the vanity of these many.
That it
might please Thee to remove my soul from among these.
For they
are strange to me, not of my nature,
a people
with whom I cannot reason,
Nor are
their desires as my desires.
As I have
seen, this is not my world.
Nor
are these my people,
110.
I loathe
them for the works of their hands
And for the very thoughts of their heart I came to despise them.
They
are not my people, nor is this the world of my fathers.
How then
should I desire to live where I am strange,
And where
those who see me - abhor me?
My
semblance is not pleasant to them,
I am like a scab on a wound.
Who
shall remember me, if not Thou O Lord revive me?
111. I fear Thee O Lord because Thou art God,
I tremble before Thee because Thou art mighty.
When Thou look on one in favor he is build
Thou bring him before Thee and he is blessed.
And when Thou take displeasure at one, he perishes.
Thou art greatly to be feared.
And
what is my soul that it seeks Thy favor?
Have
mercy on me O Lord lest I perish,
For by Thy mercy we abide,
And
in Thy pleasure do we come before Thee.
112.
My soul
cries out and my heart is full of thoughts.
All
the day long I meditate upon Thy word.
How
long O Lord before Thou wilt answer me,
That
my soul may magnify Thee, my lips praise Thy glory?
I
refrain from coming before Thee,
to speak to Thee from my heart
Because Thou art holy and greatly to be honored
And
what am I but a worm to direct my speech to Thee.
113.
Who shall
speak to Thee to seek Thy favor O Lord?
Lest
his hands are clean, and has heart is set aright,
Who
shall come before Thee?
Grant me a humble soul and a clean heart,
So that I may pray before Thee.
For
never was a man so righteous to lift his voice to Thee,
But in Thy favor unto him
Folly
114. The famine has killed many,
The
pestilence taken its toll,
And while the mosquito has killed many a man
None of these have killed as the whore and the prostitute.
115. Imperceptible
Awesome is the knowledge Thou O my Lord has given me.
More than I can fathom, deep and manifold.
But with whom can I speak, whom is able to hear?
Their knowledge is but fantasy O Lord, a delusion.
My knowledge is not from any acquisition.
It is as though I always knew, for I am taught of Thee.
Thine Spirit is with me, and so doing all eternity is with me.
Revive me O Lord, bring me home.
