TREASURES

CHAPTER 13        (A dated record)       LINK TO OTHER PAGES

1961    (age 24)

1. The Lord took me from the womb for His own. 

He called me from my father's house,

Bringing me into a strange land, to desert places.  

He taught me His word; His Spirit was life to my soul. 

He set me alone, silent, apart from curbing tongues.  

2. He made me a rock, so they would strive in vain upon me.

The Lord removed me from their influence

That I should not walk in the way of my fathers.

Nor in the way of teachers, but in the way of the Lord

He clothed me with His appearance.

3. Therefore was I taken to strange places,

Chastened in the desert sands with stripes of loneliness.  

The Lord is my Redeemer, He is my strength.

The right hand of my salvation, He my praise.

He will deliver me from every need and fear.  

1962

4. I am become a travailing women with a goodly child.

Was not my flesh burning, my bones weak? 

My heart on fire as gold in the furnace?  

I was smelted for the Lord my God.

5. Thou Lord did baptize me with Thy Spirit. 

Thou salted me by day and by night.

Thy body was my food, Thy blood my drink.

In them was I baptized from the womb of my mother. 

Before I came forth I was beloved by Thee.

Thou did love me and appointed me my offerings. 

Thou did infuse me with Thy fire unto Thy name.

6. After He had chastened me, I turned;

And kissed the hand that touched me. 

For I love Thee my Lord, Thou art my God.

I became enlightened in Thy grace, Thy will.

I said of the wicked; "you refuse to know Him.

You love wickedness, rejoicing in adulteries.

I shall acquit myself of my sorrows for you."  

7. They vexed me in sorrow for them, but no more. 

I was pained in my soul, grieving for them,

But they refused to do right.

No more therefore shall I bear grief for them,

But acquit myself of sorrow.

8. The Lord bound me. 

Delivered me from hunger and thirst.

He hid me from the whip of the tongue. 

I shall not fear destruction nor death.  

For He revealed Himself to me.

His word made me free.

9. But my love was like a morning cloud, not enduring.  

Thus He chastened me according to His mercies.  

O Lord let not Thy love be to me as a morning cloud,

Nor Thy goodness as a shadow, which passes.

Be merciful O Lord, forgive Thy servant in loving kindness,

Before I pass where men search no more.  

1962 CONFESSION

10. A spring of life now bears my strength

I loved and was loved, how shall I break off?  

My soul embraced, I left my strength in love. 

I took her mine, strengthened her, made her mine.

Now let me reason, she bears, and I cannot take again.  

How shall I deny my love, how cast off my strength?  

I was overcome; I bore love and broke with love.

Her lips were overpowering, sweeter than honey. 

Her looks bereaved me, thus I knew her - Via my love  

1962 BY NAME.

11. My Shelah is my desire - my Jemima.

Her love is like a young lionesses. 

O how bereaving you are, so intimate and pleasant my love.

How mighty the Lion of Judah, majestic is He,

His Lionesses a bereaving, full of sweet goodness.  

12. Ariel, for God is with me? 

Dorathea sounding her name,

For she is the Lord a gift, a well-rounded gift. 

O my Shelah, my petition you are my Onath,

His grace in answer to my prayers.  

Call me Ishi, for your husband I am.

And I will call you Alman Ezer, my hidden treasure.  

13. You came to me Ezri, my help of Jehovah, His love. 

How fair is my rose Rhada, my princess Sarah. 

My Zerak awakens me as the golden sunrise. 

In my garden blooms Sheston, my lily fair to behold. 

There I met my Keturah so sweet, pleasant as Eden. 

You are my Eve, my wife, and Adna my pleasure.  

14. From Bethel you came, for you are to me of God.

I came to you for your fruits.  Diklah, my palm tree. 

Be Iddo my Leboath, loving unto me, my lionesses. 

O Ethni Rezzia so bountiful you are my delight.

Adin so slender, and Ithman bereaving,

My Melea to fullness.  you are like Abital the dew

And Ithra for excellence.  

15. And my Sophir for beauty, so Lydia soft and gentle.

My Darria, pearl of wisdom

Indeed you are Dodat, loving,

I call her blessedness of the Lord, His mercies.

The Eve of His hand, established in His wisdom.

A palm of beauty, Tamar my love.

O Tamar my love.  

1962.  Desire to be whole

16. O Lord make her unto me

Thy grace so kind, that I may behold Thy glory,

To offer to Thee my offer of sweet love, my token of gratitude.

I shall rejoice when Thou shall bring my life unto me,

Adding love to life, to end the days of vanity.  

17. Then shall my enemies be ashamed and flee. 

My heart shall praise Thy grace,

I shall be strong, strengthening myself in Thy loving kindness. 

My soul shall embrace wisdom O Lord,

When Thou shall bring her unto me.  

18. I long for her O Lord in ever abiding with me,

To love and embrace Thy abundant grace.

Her deep desire shall thrill me, excite me,

Her love warming my heart to the fullness thereof.

I shall be drunken in her sweet caresses,

Rejoice at her breast to Thy honor and glory.  

1962

19. Thou O Lord has set me for a strong judgment,

A terrible avenger, a rock in judgment.

And for a bundle of mercies with royal ointment.

Royal blood runs through my veins.

A crown awaits me at Thy hand.

A place in heaven near Thy throne.

1962.  Flower of wisdom

20. The fruits of wisdom, these my greatest desire.

Yea to discover her fruits was dearest to me.

I have a rose in golden colors with silver bells about.

Her voices are resounding heavens glory.  

She withers not, nor does her flower close

For days or months or years.

 

21. Cold nor heat bothers her,

She blossoms forth in her the loveliest fragrance. 

She is free of earth's labors and despair. 

She is to me a constant treasure, mine in His grace.

1963

22. The Lord gave me knowledge and understanding. 

He proved me with love at heart, He made me rich. 

I exceed the wise in wisdom, the learned in knowledge.  

In understanding He made me to excel.

For the Lord is my God, His making am I.  

23. He drew me to Himself, comforted me.

He embraced me, lifted me on high, and taught me His word.

He filled me with understanding and insight.

His goodness was given into my heart. 

When I was down, He came and consoled me. 

And I turned unto Him and was at peace.  

1964

24. Everyone's heart is imperceptible, but the Lord perceives all. 

Blessed is he whom the Lord causes to come near. 

As wax are all those around me, parted by the touch.

Why was there no-one who laid a rod on me?

 

25. Where were they to add salt to the food? 

The men have fallen, they have become numb,

Good or evil is all the same to them. 

O Lord break rather my bones than that I should

Have the love of men, which grows cold.  

26. What are my grief’s, the pains in my body?

I am torn apart, powers battle within me.

The arrows of the Lord have put me down.

I sit in tears and sorrow, enemies bark at me.

But my Lord diverts the intentions of the wicked.

Causing them to return upon their own heads.

They mock Thy name so I might not keep Thy statutes.

27. But O Lord, how should I not keep Thy law?

For Thy Law is my delight, Thy mercy my rejoicing.

I am Thine; shall I then sin against Thee?

Surely Lord, by Thy mercy I am set free.

Thou did love me from before ever.

Before the world stood I was Thy pleasure.

Concerning Thy well doing I will always sing.

Thou the highest praise, there is none like Thee.  

28. The Satan is angry he beholds his destruction

I am snatched from his hand, but he allows me no rest 

tempting to take from me life, honor, and bread.

Yet my peace is with my God, how glorious His peace.

The wicked crackle like wood.

Their noise is altogether mere nuisance.

But I shall sing a new song, a praise to my God.

The New Jerusalem, the city of my joy.  

1964

29. O how I am stripped, Thou Lord has overcome me,

Blocked my path, cut off my way from before me. 

Thou did beckon me with pleasant goodness.

With cunning Thou has deceived me unto Thyself. 

The Lord came and strengthened me. 

He knew all my hidden parts; all was open to Him.

He made me fair, precious in His sight.  

30. So have I become a bride unto Him,

My insides filled to bear fruit, rich fruit.  

He suffered none to behold me,

No one discovered Thy fair virgin. 

The honor of His name is upon me.

1965

31. The Lord said: “You shall be as a Lion and a fire.

I shall bring you low and set watch­men around you.

And you shall peep forth out of the dust.

But as for the multitude of your enemies,

I shall make them as the dust.

32. My heart O my God melts for Thy love.

Be merciful to Thy servant, deliver me.

For not I O Lord am Ariel, but Thou the Lion.

I am brought low to know Thy strength.

The Lord girds me with tender care.

In His loving kindness He revives me.

And now I long all the more for Him.

I am distressed, yet I hope in Thy word.

33. Thou has said: “Against my Ariel

All rise in vain, in vain all that distress her.

They shall be like a dream.

Like a vision of the night.

For I the Lord live and deliver.

34. The Lion of Judah, the Ariel of God.

They said of me, the Jew, one who complains.

They are confused, stricken with blindness.

The Lord leads gently those that are with young,

That are to bear forth the fruit of His strength.

35. Lord O Lord there is no turning but to Thee.

I am too ashamed to lift my voice to Thee.

But where shall I turn if not to Thee?

There is none beside Thee, I know none.

Yet they say, does he think to know it alone?

They indeed go beyond knowing no measure.

I declare Thy truth, but they hate Thy word

1965.

36. I am as a Lion, for so has He named me.

He delights in me therefore bear I afflictions.

Thou O my Father art the guide of my youth.

Grant me one heart, one way, Thy fear in my bosom,

Then shall I never depart from Thy ways.

37. Who am I O Lord that Thou does afflict me?

That Thou should not forever be angry with me!

Thou did ordain me a king, an everlasting crown.

My forthcoming is from royal blood, Thy anointing.

38. What are the kings of the earth to me?

Or their desires that I should desire them?

Thou did call me a son of Thy favored one.

What is it with you, you ungodly, that you press me?

Take yourselves away and be caught.

You have set snares to yourselves, if only you knew.  

39. With fire I am inflamed, strong to the battle,

For the Lord is with me, who shall stand against his Maker? 

The Lord is my right hand, His voice over the mountains.

My heart is afire my inmost like an oven,

I tremble on my knees, my deeds press upon me.

But great is the love of the Lord for His creature.  

40. Though flesh be dust, the Lord loves what is His.

He suffers them not to be lost, returning them.

I walked away while the shepherds paid no care.

They said to the wolves, "devour the sheep."

I heard, I felt it, the Lord is angry with them.

He brought me back to His flock, for I was His love.  

41. That day, that boundless grace, how shall I forget?

The thunder of Thy might is great O Holy Lord. 

When Thy voice was heard, I was chastened,

In a day of deliverance, for Thy children a day of rest.

I was weak, the earth trembled, men panicked.

But as for me, it was as though He weighed me on His hand. 

Thus I was still, unafraid, for He is my trust.  

42. How good is the Lord to rock me so softly in His hand,

The hand of one who loves dearly, the hand of a Father.

The hand of a shepherd true and strong. 

I will praise His holy name forever.

1973   A  SONG

43. O my soul why do you cry? 

Why are you grieved and wanting still?  

Be patient in your depth of sorrow,

For the Lord will yet make your life to fill.

O my soul affection craves.

My inmost all is longing still Thy lips to kiss my love, my love. 

For Thy tender care my heart melts as one weak and frail.  

44. Lord my God, my Savior all,

Hasten unto me and make my soul to live.

My soul pants for Thee O Lord, for Thy love,

For Thy grace so kind,

For Thy bosom with Thy tender mercies full

To make me live in Thy heaven high.

To leap for joy Thy mercy kind.

And Thy grace so bountiful.  

45. My soul; Thy praises sing. 

O Thou art precious Thou my Lord and Savior all.

Thou my grace and life in fullest kind,

And all Thy glory High to praise.

Thy hand has brought me life and love,

Forever in Thy glory to delight. 

O how I love Thy love.  

1980

46.     I meditate on how it will be to behold my own,

To behold where is the love of the Lord. I wonder.

And my heart yearns for the joy, for those of my nature,

For those of the Lord.  How sweet not to hear folly. 

How peaceful not to see gain.

I am like a lone branch in the midst of a stream.

The waters rush hard against me,

They pour themselves over steep cliffs.  

I looked, but I saw no branches resisting the stream.  

47.     I desire O Lord great love, exceeding compassion,

A heart filled with mercies, lowly and humble.  

As Thou did anoint me, let me not exalt myself.   

There will be envy and strife by my enemies.  

Let not Thy servant be over confident

Nor anger O Lord causing me to glory in vain.  

Speak with me, you who love the Lord.

Let my eyes be on the Lord lest I stumble in anger.

 

48.     I thirsted for knowledge, to know truth. 

He led me in simple beginnings, thus He came.  

I grew, my heart changed seeking that living water.  

He gave me to sustain myself, becoming more thirsty.  

Now I desire understanding more than before

As he who drinks salty water his thirst not quenched,

So my soul craves wisdom more than I can express. 

My spirit delights in understanding.

My thirst refuses to be quenched.  

Only in the Lord can my thirst be satisfied.  

Only in him will my thirst be quenched.

49.     Be joyful with me you sons of the Most High.

The Lord granted me my desire, compassion as well.  

I shall praise Him, the Lord of my fathers.  

My soul magnifies the Lord, greatly blessing my soul. 

His compassion overwhelms me.  

I will serve Him all the days of my life forever,

For He is with me, my Savior my Lord.

Limitless is His grace, endless His compassion.  

Thou art good Thou Savior of men, strength of the chosen. 

Let the Lord be praised all the day long.  

Let my soul magnify Him forever

1987

50. How terrible it is to live, how agonizing just to be. 

At evening I muse, how glorious to pass away in sleep,

But again the morning comes and I sigh for another day.

With the thoughts of my heart I torture my flesh,

With the spirit of my soul I fail to find rest.  

51. I even envied Job, for so I thought, take all,

Make a full end, that I might be no more. 

With my God I can reason, but with men,

Where may understanding be found?

Yet then I considered the days of my friend and at once

I shudder to think how terrible it shall be

For the lawless to endure that of which I only tasted.

52. When I am at ease I am troubled.

And when I am troubled I search to be eased,

And finding it, I search to be troubled again.

O who knows the heart of man, or I to know my own?

53. He has hidden my way from before me.

There are walls to all sides - I cannot overcome.

I have no strength, the years have added together,

Years of loneliness and of striving within me.

I reached out, it seems so long ago,

And to this day my petition is before Him.

54. When will He deliver me, when bring me from this pit?

I thought, I shall labor, be busy at work,

Patiently await the day to my home­coming.

I labored to forget my afflictions, not to muse on them.

But my labors were in vain; there was no reaching that ledge.

55. I took a noble desire, to labor not for myself,

It turned to agony, and even I became the beggar,

Something I had sworn I would never do.

I allowed myself to be robbed, trodden upon. 

My adversaries increased my pains upon me.

But my Savior held my soul and my heart.

He kept my life from them.  

56. With the hand of the Lord, there is no escape.

Each morning I dread the day, 

O how can time pass so slowly?  

I cry with Job, “why light to whose way is hid?”  

This I have because I asked for understanding.

With my God I pleaded for knowledge,

Then I knew, but also the pain.

57. Await patiently my heart, endure O my soul.

What are the years or decades against eternity?  

Soon you will be free, departing from the earth.  

I let my life pass before me, then I became sick.  

I loathe living; I despised what my hand had wrought.  

58. In the bitterness of my heart I speak,

In the anguish of my soul I cry to the Lord.

Make it this day, take me home O Lord.

Search my soul if there is a trace of desire for tomorrow.  

Are not the years emptiness to a man? 

There is no profit under the sun,

Nor abiding among the sons of men.  

59. I long to depart for longer than I care to recall. 

But to live is better than to die.

Patience more than to reach beyond my Maker.  

Come, so I said to my heart, be not over-vexed to sin,

Let long-suffering greet you, reach for the crown.

60. Wisdom is a joy, understanding a sheer delight.  

And though I had not forgotten the pain.

Yet did I ask my Lord for more and more,

To delight in what is most desirable.

And the merciful Lord granted me my desire.    

So I delighted, and sorrowed even so much more.  

61. For wisdom is not in this age,

Nor is understanding but for ages to come.  

In ignorance man is contend.  

In not knowing he peacefully goes to his end.  

But it's the end I abhor, what awaits that I disdain.

Knowledge is life, wisdom a crown, and with pain he is led.   

For where understanding increases, is equally pain.

(1987)

62. Coming forth from the womb I desired not to live,

To make no sound by which breath be to me.  

He who begot me turned to shock, but they slew me hard,

Causing me to cry out in pain, and crying I did.  

And to this day I cry being brought forth to live,

To behold the deeds done among men.

 

63.  Why does the Lord try my heart, did "He" not make it? 

Was it not He who formed my spirit within me? 

I am Thy creation O Lord, wilt Thou try Thy own works? 

Search, Thou wilt find it as Thou nurtured it.  

As it was kept for Thee, so Thou will find it. 

Wilt Thou try my soul if it shall stand?  

If then it stands, it is so by Thy power.  

And if it fails, it is so from Thy hand.  

64. How is it that I question in bitterness of soul?

How yet also answer, and why questions at all? 

Uphold me O Lord, never let me go

For I have seen lofty trees that fell,

Green trees on water's edge that dried out.

I know of stars, and how they fell. 

I have heard O Lord, how Thou raises mountains,

And in their prime, in their pride, brings them low. 

They are turned over, cast down.  

Who then shall not fear Thee?

 

65. Let not my soul know pride, nor vain glory,

for I will assuredly become as the hated,

Be cast among them that I despise. 

I fear Thee O Lord, for Thou art mighty, exceedingly great,

While lowly I dwell among strife.

The more Thou exalt me, the more humble my soul.  

I cannot conceive the extend of Thy mercy to me. 

Thy compassion is awesome, I bow myself, I comprehend not. 

I heard, but let me not understand until I am taken.

66. Should I ever not be pleasing, let me be as were I not,

As a mirage that has no existence, no substance.  

For I despise the company of fools,

I loathe to behold their faces here or in hell. 

Should I ever not be pleasing, would that I had not been.

But do not O Lord place me in silence, while light is upon me.  

Nor where I be alone, but to Thy temple O Lord.  

67. Do not say O you people, the Lord is far,

For it shall be injustice in you.

Let not your lips say, “where is the Lord?”

For it shall be bloodguilt in you.

Trust in Him, forsake not His blessings. 

Endure, for He is faithful, near to your door.  

68. The lords in the earth perverted my labors. 

I took to flight, but they overturned me.  

So I became weary in toil to no avail.

Yet is not my desire faded, nor my purpose in vain.  

I shall be delivered, then shall I scorn them.  

Nor shall they overtake it, but I them in thousand-fold.

 

69. I said, they are all liars, and thieves.

They open their mouth to vexation, to cause pain.  

The lawless know no bounds, they embitter my soul.  

They array themselves to scorn, to bring me down.

How is it that they leave no stone unturned?   

But the Lord keeps me, my soul was not theirs.  

70. The more Thou does show me O Lord, the more I am amazed. 

As understanding increases, the more I am astonished. 

How marvelous is Thy compassion for the child of man.  

I am only a worm, a mere speck of dust, a tender heart. 

And Thou does speak to me of things I cannot grasp. 

They are too lofty for my comprehension. 

Thy compassion is beyond measure, saving my soul,

And to bring me upon many waters.

 

71. Day by day He teaches me, morning by night.  

When I am vexed He brings me a word. 

When I rejoice, His wisdom accompanies me.  

Let us praise His name, sing songs of thanksgiving.

He is compassionate, great in bountiful mercies,

Honoring the lowly and the humble. 

Then the lords of the earth will know -

It's the Lord who forms the spirit of man.  

1987

72. The eve of the day to come.

My heart is heavy within me. 

O how my soul longs for the Lord.  

Shall a man expect a sign, and not have faith? 

Many a sword shall pierce through my heart. 

Many a tear shall fall, may they be of joy.  

73.   It must begin; the Lord will sound His voice.

It will come to pass the words of the Lord. 

I am bound in Thee O Lord, I trust on Thee.

I have spoken, yes; I shall have angered many.  

So be it to them, the plenty and the famine mixed.

74.   Was I not born to this end, how shall I stay?

I labored to this end, the light within me.

I am weary, yea exhausted, the days are ended, the days of my life. 

At evening I shall rest, for no longer will my life be mine.

I sigh as one heavy-laden, sigh for days to come.

 

75.   I shall renew my strength in the Lord.

In faith I shall go my Deliverer with me.

Knowledge surpasses the labors of my hand,

There will he time for more. 

O how I love knowledge and crave for understanding. 

Yea for wisdom, for the most illustrious.

 

76.   Thoughts cross my heart, am I right?

Surely one shall live by all the word of God.

Perhaps I have taken a thing not of Him?

Perhaps I have relied upon my own insight?

My heart turns; I cannot find it of myself.

The day awaits me, grant me Thy peace O Lord.  

Revive my soul, and make my forehead as flint,

The words of my lips like a sharp sword.  

Thou art my love, truly I love Thee.  

1987

77.     Has it not been said, the Lord loves him? 

That he shall fulfill his purpose, to prosper?

Who will sound a voice, reproach the children of men? 

Who bring rebuke into judgment?

 

78.     They know not what is said, truth has hidden itself. 

Understanding has departed, they claim wisdom,

They claim understanding, themselves wiser to God.

For this I said; you are blind, and ignorant.

And none among them had wisdom to answer.  

79.     What have I done in secret?

Though I did not anger them, yet had they no counsel.  

Now then I will speak, yes truthful words to them,

And of their day, them to foam at the mouth.

Perhaps if I anger them they shall find it to speak,

to say a word, for they are altogether nothing,

A burden to my ear O Lord, a contempt to consider.  

Why must I have my abiding among them?

 

80.     By His power the Lord will bring forth to bear. 

In the knowledge of God it will be done.

I heard the words of my Lord to their days.  

And they are greatly perplexing.

Lowly men, proud boasters speak and are heard. 

Ignorant men without knowledge, all  blind,

Casting their dung to be heard from the mountains.  

But of the wise I heard not one to speak.  

81.     I searched, but found not one to speak in wisdom. 

The wise have hidden themselves, being silent. 

It burns my bones, angers my heart, these boasters.  

Why should they have their voice to destruction?

No one constrains them, nor does anyone correct them. 

Would that the truth be heard, the proud cast down. 

I am sick of their folly, sick to my soul O Lord.

Let a voice be heard, even Thy voice.

That Thy children may come to know and rejoice.  

1987

82.     How foolish the world, how small it's understanding. 

Unto what end O Lord have I knowledge? 

For what did understanding come into me?

I despise living, I hate this life.

I feel contempt for the labors wherewith I labored.  

It is in vain, there is no profit, it's terrible to live.

Why should I labor to sustain my flesh.  

Although food is in plenty, yet my flesh is wasting.

My spirit allows me no life.

I look back only to learn to hate myself. 

Was I brought forth to see this misery and pain?

 

83.     This I have, God granting understanding into my soul,

Giving me eyes to see, it uncovered things.

I looked around for understanding but found none.

I looked for intelligence, but found blindness.

It is each to their gain, pleasure in darkness.

They knew not the words that I spoke,

Nor were they able to answer me therein.

Thus I said; in vain have I written knowledge,

Why set forth light to those who despise it?

 

84.     I determined to spend my days in the fear of the Lord.

Determined to leave my words for another,

For centuries to come, where there will be hearts. 

I no longer desired to share knowledge with men.

They showed themselves beyond understanding.

How is it to share, lest God grants eyes?

Lest God grant the miracle of eyes, blindness prevails. 

Why shall life be given me with none to receive it? 

And they who receive, will they take it to heart?  

85.     Thus I hated living, knowledge became a burden.

A burden upon me, with none to remove it. 

They taught me to despise them, like an illusion.  

I resolved to forget knowledge, but how can I?

Ignorance is sweet to them that perish.  

Blindness a strong drink to those with no hope. 

Who will hear of ruin, the wise to trade their wisdom?

How will they say, “this is profound, let it be heard?”

I have committed the great sin, I have spoken truth.  

86.     They are in vain O Lord, rebuke them for the torment,

The torment to Thy servant, rejoicing Thy messenger.  

Must I O Lord, must I reprove them in the flesh?   

How will I deny what I know so well? 

For thus is Thy will, and thus Thou wilt do.

 

1987

87.     Why O Lord has Thou created this generation of men? 

Given them mates, and yet also to bear children?  

They are a vexation to my spirit, burdening my soul.

How am I to bear with them O my Lord?

There is no justice, righteousness not known.

How then shall I speak to them of such things? 

When they approach to rob me they blink not an eye.

But when I resist being robbed they accuse me of stealing. 

There is no good in them; they threw away what was human.  

Would O lord that I might die, depart from here.  

88.     I beheld one bowed down in his body,

Helpless, going from day to day like a beggar.  

Why O Lord does Thou not take him home,

What good is it to live here, what profit?   

I beheld, I was stricken in heart, I thought;

If Thou heal him, he would be like the others.

Then he too would have a few good days,

But afterwards he shall suffer long pains.

 

89.  So then I wished not for him to be healthy,

Lest he become like this generation, to wit, in vain. 

But rather a true blessing, to take him home O Lord. 

Rescue him from this generation, or to Thy elect.

Grant me reason to live O Lord, a mouth to Thy praises.  

Oct-1988

90.     I am weary, sorrowful unto death.

My eyes look to the Lord.  The prince of evil sorely tries me.

Haunting me days on end at all hours, to cause me to be angry,

To provoke me, to trip me, to slash out in anger, and revenge.

His hopes are that I shall return evil for evil.

He has not ceased, tempting to defile my vow.

To void the intend of my heart.

 

91.  He goes about like a roaring lion, a furious lion.

Angry at my pure offering to the Lord.

But he did not succeed, nor will he.

He did not cause my offering to be in vain.

And even when he had taken defeat, he left me not.

But it was in his mind to take vengeance on me.

To cause me to be bitter.

 

92.     O Lord drive him from me, deliver me from him.

He stalks my soul and my flesh.

He wearies me greatly, seeing I am only flesh. 

For my soul, as Thou know, loves truth and integrity.

I am hurt deeply, so easily broken.

O Lord my Redeemer, how will it be?

How when Thou shalt bring me forth?

 

93. How then will my heart bear all such insults?

How then my soul survive the onslaught

Of their multitude arrayed in battle?

How much must I bear O my Lord?

Does not he who loves suffer more?

Is not the hurt in greater compassion so much the more,

Bruised for the tenderness thereof?

 

94.     I asked for wisdom, and Thou gave it me.

Compassion more than many did I ask.

Now I experience the tenderness thereof

How easily she is wounded and hurt.

And this being so O my Lord, I begin to understand

Thy hurt, how Thou were wounded in Thy love for us,

Thy compassion so perfect, Thy love an all-fulfilling love.

 

95. How greatly indeed O Lord Thou did suffer.

For Thy children in Thy great love

How yet will I survive the years allotted me?

Each of these is like an eternity.

And I must pass all these eternity’s

Before Thou wilt receive me home.

June 1990

96.     How long O Lord before I may come home?

How long must I remain in this hell?

O my dear friends show compassion.

My heart will be vexed, my soul deeply distressed

For the faithless of men - lacking integrity.  

97.     What will the multitude of my enemies be?

How many these that shall hate me?  They shall not be few.

For He who brought me, brought me for reprove.

For rebuke am I come, and for judgment.

Will they act without conscience, without feeling?

These are like stones, nothing enters into them.

 

98.     O how small I am, how very still.

O that my lips were sealed to speak no folly.

In anger I am like a fool.  O how dreadful.

O how little I esteem myself,

For while I should know better, still I am foolish.  

99.     This my Lord said;

“If from your lips shall pass what is worthy

Then shall you be My mouth to speak My words".

O how often I recall these words,

And yet, it is what I wish not - that I speak.

O for the foolishness of anger.  O how to control anger.  

Day 2 1993.

100.     Am I not blind, going forth in darkness?

I hear - but do not listen.  I see- but turn my eyes away.

What am I to perform the will of the Lord?

Or my strength to restrain the waters?

They who light torches for the water to pass shall die of thirst.

He who lights a fire of his own branches will be consumed in himself.

 

101.     As for me I wait for the Lord and will not walk

By the light of any fire, but by His light.

When His fire sets me aflame I shall go forth,

And the mountains and the hills shall he confounded.

For he who walks in the light of his own fire shall perish,

They shall lie down in torment.  

102.     How shall I express my grief?

I am a dry tree; there is no life in me.

My roots are seated deep, yet I am in vain.

I am planted on water's edge,

Yet am I as those who wither in the dry desert.

This indeed is too marvelous for me to understand.

My roots on waters edge full of life around.

And yet no life is seen on me.  

103.     The trees around me bear leaves and branches.

But I am like a stump left in the earth.

There is no glory to be seen on me,

I am left as to perish, to die on water's edge.

So I cry to Thee O Lord, why has Thou left me?

No patch of green is seen on me, I am wholly a dead tree.

A dried out stump, an eyesore to the taste of men.

What now is to become of me?

 

104.     Would that I were pulled out of the earth,

That my eyes no longer behold the forest.

For why should I behold the life of the forest

When I cannot share in it,

When her delight is a vexation to my soul?

Only Thou art able to form miracles,

To bring to life the dead tree, and to wither the green.  

105.     The world and all that is in it is the Lord’s, 

The multitude of the people are his people.

If then He will let them go in ignorance,

So let them go, for they are His,

And if He will correct them,

He will do so of His own accord,

For they are His people, His creation.

 

106.     What am I that I should have desires to see them born?

These are ignorant, so I said, they have no eyesight.

God made them blind, and why then do I have eyes?

If I were one of them, the fruits of my labors would come to me.

But now this is withheld from me. I labor, but in vain,

I am robbed all the day long.

And why then should I have my abiding among them?  

107.     Thou has not given me a portion with them O my God.

But Thou did single me out giving me eyes to see.

And yet I struggle in darkness.

Thou caused Thy light to shine on me,

and transformed me from darkness into light,

And yet am I as the blind that see not.  

108.      Why is there breath in my nostrils that

I should bear these people Thou has created?

Why is my life among them that my eyes should behold them?

If they were living I would rejoice,

But these O Lord, though they live yet are they dead.

And so my eyes behold what must perish,

And my soul pains for what is inevitable.

 

109.     O that Thou would crush me O Lord,

My eyes no longer to behold the vanity of these many.

That it might please Thee to remove my soul from among these.

For they are strange to me, not of my nature,

a people with whom I cannot reason,

Nor are their desires as my desires.

As I have seen, this is not my world.

 Nor are these my people,  

110.       I loathe them for the works of their hands

And for the very thoughts of their heart I came to despise them.

They are not my people, nor is this the world of my fathers.

How then should I desire to live where I am strange,

And where those who see me - abhor me?

My semblance is not pleasant to them,

I am like a scab on a wound.

Who shall remember me, if not Thou O Lord revive me?  

111.  I fear Thee O Lord because Thou art God,

I tremble before Thee because Thou art mighty.

When Thou look on one in favor he is build

Thou bring him before Thee and he is blessed.

And when Thou take displeasure at one, he perishes.

Thou art greatly to be feared.

And what is my soul that it seeks Thy favor?

Have mercy on me O Lord lest I perish,

For by Thy mercy we abide,

And in Thy pleasure do we come before Thee.  

112.  My soul cries out and my heart is full of thoughts.

All the day long I meditate upon Thy word.

How long O Lord before Thou wilt answer me,

That my soul may magnify Thee, my lips praise Thy glory?

I refrain from coming before Thee, to speak to Thee from my heart

Because Thou art holy and greatly to be honored

And what am I but a worm to direct my speech to Thee.  

113.  Who shall speak to Thee to seek Thy favor O Lord?

Lest his hands are clean, and has heart is set aright,

Who shall come before Thee?

Grant me a humble soul and a clean heart,

So that I may pray before Thee.

For never was a man so righteous to lift his voice to Thee,

But in Thy favor unto him

Folly

114.  The famine has killed many,

The pestilence taken its toll,

And while the mosquito has killed many a man

None of these have killed as the whore and the prostitute.

Next page

Ariel