MY HEART 

CHAPTER 65           LINK TO OTHER PAGES

Feb 2010

  1. Oftentimes I speak simply to relieve the pain in my heart.   And thus speaking of myself, I will say; there is nothing in this world that holds any value for me, inclusive myself.  The Lord said, "If your hand offends you cut it off, it is better to enter heaven with one hand, than with two hands go into hell."

  2. This places me between a rock and a hard spot, since that which offends me the most - is myself.  But how do I cut myself off?  I cannot take my life, since it belongs to God and to Christ, it is not mine to take.  Thus I must continue in this hell with this mortal body until God rescues me from it.

  3. My heart now has grown into that for which I cannot find words to express.  Ignorance is a curse unto me, and the lack of integrity in man is not only a sword through me - but unbearable, it tears me up, it confounds me. 

  4. And I despise cowardice as were it a fire to burn me.  My soul has changed, I am captive in the quality of the Lord to honor His word alone, and abide by His strength.

  5. Should a judge summon me I am poised to tear him to shreds, or if a ruler attempts to lay a cord on me, I am ready to break his neck.  For my love is for righteousness and for truth, whom therefore will summon me as were there some error or guilt in me?  “It is not right to lay a fine upon a righteous man,” so it is written. 

  6. When I obey and speak but the word of the Lord who is to condemn me?  What judge or ruler will call me to account?  My heart is truly that of a Lion, let no man approach me to lay a cord on me for the righteousness of my word and deed.  For my heart is poised to strike and cut the cords from me.

  7. I contemplated within my heart if for the word of the Lord within me to obey His voice one should sue me, and a judge should summon me, in which case my muscles would spring into action to tear them to shreds, to choke the life out of them.  

  8. Yet then I contemplated, what if the Lord says unto me, that I should hearken to them and appear before that loathsome breed which I have already cursed, to submit myself to them.  O how painful that would be O Lord, that I should so humble myself before such loathsome and vile hypocrites.

  9. Yet regardless of the extreme pain I would humble myself and do as the Lord bids me because it is the will of the Lord, because there is nothing more sacred to me than to obey the voice of the Lord my God, for He is righteous and just, and my righteousness being His righteousness.

  10. O how dreadful the very thought to my soul that I should have to submit myself to the tale of such loathsome creatures, to such as stand accursed, but for the Lord I would surely humble myself, not for any man, however high or strong they might be, but for my Lord yes I would surely humble myself.

  11. I can barely sleep on account of my thoughts, how did the love of integrity become so strong in me, so over-powering, so dreadfully one with me, that I can no longer bear the lack thereof in any man.  

  12. I have outgrown man, the passions have become too strong, the love of righteousness so deeply seated within me, and with it the fury and hatred of all evil.

  13. What man is to cast a rope upon a male Lion, so he may lead him around like a dog?  Do not attempt to do so - lest in the power of the Lord they will be torn to shreds, for I am poised to rise up in wrath and reward them for their accursed boldness and false accusations. 

  14. I am confounded in heart and soul, my love for the voice of the Lord and my intense hatred and disgust for the ways of men. O what a hell this world is to me, what a painful place to have my abiding. O that I might die and be far from the sight of man, and from the very sound of their voices.  

  15. But I have a course to run, and it must come to pass, and how to balance the one with the other, how to cast down with violence and be with all humility and with compassion.

  16. I contemplated on the words; “a destroying tempest,” and men will say, but did not the Lord say to let the ox and ass wander freely?  And did He not say, to love your enemy, and to seek peace with all men?    

  17. And when I trample on rulers they no doubt will quote me, how it is written to be obedient to all authority. Yet how then will I be a destroying tempest, how will I destroy the wicked that at end peace may reign?

  18. And what authority that I should be subject to?  Did He not grant me authority over all the nations, over all its rulers?  I know but one authority, Him in whose service I stand. Nor will I be like any of the rulers of the earth.

  19. Or is it I to destroy?  Is it I to drain the lifeblood from the wicked?   He who said not to avenge yourself, also said that vengeance was His.  He who said to love your enemies and to do good unto them that despitefully use you, also said to me - reprove and upbraid the sons of men.  

  20. And He put a sword into my hand to like David avenge the wickedness of the wicked upon them.  And it is written;  "Cursed is the man that holds back his sword from shedding blood."

  21. Did He not mold my heart, how then does one expect me to be what I am not?  How shall I be like a lamb when He formed me as a male lion?  In my youth I disdained the rulers of the earth, since He appointed me to be a ruler over them.

  22. Once I came before a judge, and I acted with submission and humility, but there was no truth, nor righteous judgment with them, and for their abuse upon my people I came to curse them to their faces.   

  23. Then of all things they acted as though my speech was that of a foreign tongue, which they could not understand.  Was not therefore my judgment a righteous judgment upon them, and the curse well deserved?

BY FAITH

  1. You have heard me say; "This authority I have of the Lord," and you know how I speak with sure conviction, and all that I have said of myself, such things as no man would speak of himself.  

  2. Yet the Lord never spoke to me by an angel, nor in a dream, nor was there any prophet, nor signs given me, and for all that I have prophesied in all these years, none as yet have come to pass - how then can I be so sure of myself? 

  3. May it be that it serves as a sign, as a token of faith for all to see?  By Ezra the Lord spoke of a people to come, and He said:  "Which not having heard of Me, yet shall they believe Me, to whom I have shown no signs, yet they shall do what I have commanded them.  They have seen no prophets, yet they shall call their sins to remembrance and acknowledge them.  

  4. I take to witness the grace of the people to come whose little ones rejoice in gladness, who though they have not seen Me with bodily eyes, yet in spirit believe the thing that I say.  So my beloved am I, in witness to His grace.

  5. Is not this the faith - to believe upon Him whom created us, upon all the word that proceeds from Him? As then you may question how I know so many things, it is just as it is written - "How to him would be given."  It is in the gift of Him unto me that so many revelations have come to me, in a gift that wisdom was bestowed upon me.

  6. The Lord told Abraham that he would have a son of Sarah, yet Sarah went far beyond the age of childbearing before it ever came to pass.  Yet Abraham held faith, he believed the word of the Lord, and by his faith righteousness was reckoned unto him. And though for all these years I appear as a dry tree, still I do not doubt His word concerning me.

  7. From my early days already I knew the gift He bestowed upon me, and what I was to be, and what I was to perform, and yet so many years passed upon me.  

  8. In the book of Revelations the Lord speaks of some that the Satan would cast them in a prison, and that these would have tribulations for ten days, cautioning them to hold out to the end.

  9. I for me it has been near fifty years now that vexation and tribulation have been upon me, and yet I am holding out, for I believe upon Him and upon all the word that proceeds from Him. How then I emphasize upon you my beloved that it is faith by which a man shall live.

  10. What is so different with me?  By Ezekiel (17) the Lord Yeshua is depicted as a Cedar, He is the single tree upon which all the elect of God are fastened, each single one of them taking their nourishment of Him, for without Him, to fall or be broken off, one would wither away.

  11. But what is it that the Lord prophesied? Was it not that He was to take one little twig, a tender one, to break it off from His Messiah?  Indeed so, but it was not that it might wither, but rather that He might plant it, like a seedling so that it might become a full grown cedar all in itself.  

  12. So my beloved am I, a seedling of the Son of God, taken from Him to be for a cedar all in myself.   Now then do you understand how and why I speak with such authority, and how even I am to render judgment? 

  13. But what folly should it be of me to forget from where I came, and Who it was that reared me, and in Whom I was reared? No, I have not forgotten, nor will I ever forget what all the Lord has done for me.

MEDITATION  (2009)

  1. Unless the Lord gives me to write I cannot place words on paper, nor empty out my soul before Him.  I am fully dependent upon Him, for I do not wish to speak words of my own.  

  2. I fear He will terrorize me should I speak of my own accord, and I dread that which He will as yet bring upon me, to make me an enemy to all men, to turn the sons of men against me.

  3. I said to myself; a new moon is coming, and I will go to the gate of heaven that I may call upon the Lord, to pour out my heart before Him, for the silence rest heavy on me, and His indignation bears hard upon me.  

  4. I will direct my prayer unto Him regarding my demise, and regarding the demise of the children of Israel, how these cry out not knowing their right hand from their left. 

  5. And regarding the taunt of the nations against her, that I might bring to remembrance the word He spoke so long ago, how the day would come that He would no longer hold His peace, but to reprove men for their inequities.

  6. My heart and my soul longs for the Lord by day and by night, I cannot bear to be apart from Him, my soul loves Him more than I can express.  O my soul may you come home, may His love cause me to ride on high, or His indignation cast me down, if but I may be within His hand, to feel His warmth upon my tender skin.   

  7. If I may be with Him and never apart from Him.  Good or evil O Lord as long as I may be within Thy hand to comfort me, for Thou only art my comfort, be it Thy rod or Thy caresses, if only I may be with Thee to have Thy hand upon me, for I cannot bear to be without Thee.

  8. When my anger rises for the sons of men to taunt against Thy anointed - how am I to fulfill it O Lord without Thy hand upon me.  How long must I bear vexation and sorrow for the inequities of the sons of men?  Reprove them for me O Lord, or take me away from them, rescue me from the silence and from my vexation on account of them.

  9. Who is bold enough or fool enough to dare and come before Thee O Lord, to direct his plea unto Thee?  For Thou art very great and mighty beyond understanding.  Yet I will come before Thee, and if Thou strike me I will be at rest, and if Thou wilt answer me - the terror of Thy voice would slay me. 

  10. Either way O Lord, of what value am I without Thee?  My life is of no value lest Thou wilt cause me to live. For to live unto Thee is my only joy, and to die for Thy name sake my ultimate rejoicing.   Of what value am I that Thou should hear me, or that a worm as me should come to stand within Thy service? 

  11. Yet because it was Thou O Lord who gave me knowledge and taught me the way unto Thee, that I propose to come before Thee who taught me the very foundations of the earth.   

  12. If then from among all men Thou did count me worthy to be taught in Thy secrets, even Thou O Lord Thyself teaching me, look upon me with favor O Lord when I appear before Thee, to make my request of Thee.

  13. The years have added unto me, the days are growing old, and my soul for all Thy gifts unto me pines away in silence, as one who is of no account, as were I no more than a fool ready for its grave away from Thee.  Like a flower that having sprung forth begins to wither for old age, so am I.

  14. I am weary of holding in the indignation that torments my soul, since of myself there is no power in me, while the indignation within me came forth out of my love for Thee O Lord, for Thy righteousness, and for Thy truth which are the treasures of my heart.

  15. I will speak O Lord, indeed I will speak, if Thou wilt hear Thy servant, and grant me the words and the thoughts of my prayer unto Thee, for without Thee I would not know how to speak, or even to utter a sound.  I speak O Lord to relieve my soul, to bring forth the anguish that plagues me that I may be freed thereof.

  16. I feel like one who is in labor, to bring forth the child that is within her, that child from so long ago.  My pains are upon me, to tremble upon my knees for it cannot be held within, nor perish from me.  It must come to pass.

THANKSGIVING

  1. O how very much I love Thee Lord, how my heart is knit unto Thee, and I thank Thee O Lord for Thy kind mercy on all mankind.  Accept O Lord my deep thanks for all the creature of man, woman, and children.  These are so beautiful O Lord, so marvelous as Thou has made them. 

  2. When I behold these in their ups and downs, which Thou has procured for them, and how these relate to one another, my heart goes out to Thee, with great wonder and thankfulness for the beauty of Thy creation.   The expressions upon their faces, their walk and their movements so marvelous made of Thy hand. 

  3. And I rejoice in Thy handiwork, and marvel at Thy greatness and the perfection in all that is of Thy hand.   O if I could be at a thousand places at once, to relish in the behavior of a thousand families, I would be overjoyed to behold such marvel of Thy hand.  

  4. But I can be only at one place at the time, while Thou O Lord art everywhere at once, O how happy Thou art and how blessed to behold all Thy creation at once, for it is Thou O Lord who created all.

  5. My heart and my soul thank Thee O Lord for all the sons of man which Thou brought forth that they might have their being before Thee, for every man, every woman, and for every child, my heart exults in Thee to have given them life and rejoicing.  

  6. For while this world is but a crib to be born into - it is for the world to come for which Thou made Thy creatures, for Thou O Lord knows the beginning from the end, since all things are of Thy hand.

  7. When I look upon the poor and the oppressed my heart goes out to them to embrace them and feed them with living grain, the store of Thy hand.  For I love them with an everlasting love. Yet how shall I do so, and what if these many were taken from their poverty, would they not grow up to become like unto those that oppressed them?  

  8. What then O my Lord is it in wisdom to raise up the poor, when it would be to their demise?    For it is Thou O Lord, Thou art the helper of the poor and of the needy, and of those that are oppressed.  And so O Lord I speak in the wisdom which Thou has granted me, and temper my words to keep Thy secret. 

  9. And for this O Lord I pour forth my thanksgiving unto Thee, though I am but one small creature, and my praise and thanks to Thee of small being, yet accept O Lord my thanks to Thee from my heart as well as my soul.

  10. All glory and praise be to Thee O Lord, for Thy kindness cannot be measured, nor Thy compassion be placed into words, for Thou art grandiose beyond all conception.

  11. I love Thee O Lord, each day my heart goes out to Thee in love to thank Thee and pronounce my love for Thee.  It is for my sake and for my joy that I do so, for it is good to love and to adore Thee.  

  12. Thou has given me that I might be in Thy image, that I might be for an offering, my blood to be brought within Thy temple.  And I know what great honor and glory that is to be so anointed of Thee.   Yet who will understand?

  13. When I think of all Thy might, it is far beyond me. A grain of sand lies as were it motionless upon the face of the earth, yet it is full of movement to show forth its very being of a grain of sand, moreover, it moves with great speed around the center of the earth, and at yet greater movement in orbit.

  14. And so it is for all its movement within and without - it hugs the ground, and appears motionless.  And are not all the trees, the plants, and a blade of grass alive, for they keep Thy commandment to divide and multiply.  All these follow Thy will most perfectly, yet man has no conception to the life of his own soul.

  15. My praise and my thanks is to Thee O my Lord, each day Thou does come to me, teaching me, and all that Thou does place before me to drink of Thy cup for me, I digest and I understand.  

  16. And each day my heart goes out in thanks unto Thee, in a praise much too wonderful for me. In sevenfold so Thou does teach me, and I am amazed at the grace and beauty of Thy hand.

My  dread

  1. O how dreadful it will be for me to place my feet upon the soil of Israel, how terrible when I am called to go and walk among the sons of Israel.  My tears will be many, and my heart broken, and my reigns will be loosened when I am forced to look upon them.   

  2. O how I longed to be among the sons of light, to behold the land of their heritage.  Yet now I dread to go there for what my eyes may see, and for what my ears may hear. 

  3. And how shall I come unto them?  If these are given victories of their own, they will most certainly be unbearable to approach. Let their victories be of the Lord, and none other, for the God of Jacob to save them, lest they be fully unbearable.

  4. O you children of Israel how deep my love is for you, yet you cause me to weep.  How greatly astonishing my adoration, yet I must strike you with a rod.  Would that I had no feeling for you, or that I might hate you, then my heart would find its peace.  

  5. And yes I am full of hatred for you, for your wickedness and for your refusal to obey the Lord your God, these things I hate, and it is with a passion that I hate them.

  6. Do you not realize how much hurt you are doing to me for that hardness of your heart?  How grievously indeed you pain me with the words of your mouth, and what sorrow you bring upon me for the works of your hand.  

  7. I longed so greatly to embrace you, instead I am forced to strike those that are more dear to me than my very own soul.  How is this to be reckoned O Lord to strike those more dear than my own soul?  

  8. Is it of me to bring destruction upon them, or not rather how these desired their own destruction while I thought to safeguard them, and feed them with living grain, and to quench their thirst with the waters of Thy hand?

  9. I testify to Thee O Lord, it is not in me to seek war, nor the destruction of my people. Thou did call me a king of peace, a ruler bound for the welfare of his people.  

  10. I sought for them the good, that they might live and have rejoicing, but they refused to hear me, nor would they answer me.  And so they angered me, even as they angered Thee O Lord.

  11. As for me O Lord I desire to drive out all that are strange and foreign in the city of Jerusalem, that it may once again be the whole city of David in Israel.  And shall I now define how that desire came to be within me?  

  12. For a first, because all of it belongs to Israel by Thy grace O Lord having again returned Thy people unto the land of their forefather, the land of their inheritance.

  13. But secondly and more strongly so, because of the taunt of the nations, of those that surround Israel, as well as those that are far off taunting to make Jerusalem a city of infidels along with its rightful owners, to split the city in halves.  

  14. For this alone O Lord heap ruin upon their cities, and let their capitals be divided by their own inhabitants.

  15. When I look at Israel, at a people dear to my heart, what incentive have they given that Thou O Lord may root out all the infidels that squad themselves in the city of Jerusalem, and aim to make it their own?  I cannot find it among them, and why then should I put myself out for them and stand in the breach?

  16. But the nations, the tribes of my people are extremely wicked, and for their aposty, and blasphemy of Thy name, as well as for their refusal to answer me, as well as Thou O Lord, I became poised for vengeance upon them.  

  17. Therefore these many wishing to defile Jerusalem have given me cause to bring it upon them.  With this they have filled their measure by which Thy righteous judgment may descend upon them.

  18. I am indeed Thy servant Lord anointing me with knowledge and understanding, and in my love for Thee Thou has filled me with indignation, with wrath for the nations that act so carelessly, and that without knowledge and without understanding, heap fire unto themselves.

  19. Let this be a cause for me O Lord to humble these nations, that their fangs may be torn from them. Harden therefore their hearts that these may become angry, and take to lift their hands against Thy anointed, that Thou in turn may cause their blood to flow from them like wine from the wine-press.

  20. Bring their deeds upon them O Lord for the rebellion of their heart to strike against Thy anointed.  In my heart I long for peace to by vengeance bring upon them the reward of their wickedness by which they have vexed my soul for these many years of my exile among them.

  21. I am angry with you, O you nations that taunt against Israel, will you reprove her, while in you there is equally great sins?  Therefore I am poised to bring destruction among you. I will call upon the Lord who holds me by the right hand, and He will furnish you with the reward of your aposty.

  22. For many years a people were under the sword because they sinned against their Creator. And you nations of the Gentiles beholding the sword of the Lord upon them, you furthered their calamities as if you were a god with God.  

  23. And you rejoiced in slicing them with the sword.  Therefore because you rejoiced now you shall weep, while these poor ones shall rejoice.   Moreover, because you continued to oppress a people which the Lord after so many years brought back to their inheritance., therefore vengeance is to come on you O you nations.   

  24. And because you oppressed one another, placing sanctions, and dictating to those that were small as to how they should act,  therefore I vie for destruction upon you.

  25. Like unto those of Israel O Lord that cannot hear, so these Gentiles also refuse to hear, and Thy word to them is an object of reproach.  Therefore I acclaim before Thee O Lord that these of the many nations are not a grain better, and on account of it I am full of Thy indignation within me O Lord, and with an arm to cast down with violence.

  26. I am like a Lion, and you O nations have been teasing me with a stick, you have been provoking me to lash out at you. How foolish of you to do so, to strike out at a Lion, at your very King.  

  27. Are you mightier than Him that you dare strike out at a Lion?  Will not He when he has enough of you strike out against you, and maul you between his teeth, and tear you to pieces?

  28. When, O you nations of the Gentiles you are told to perform - what is to be performed, and you refuse to obey Him, He will punish you O you nations of Gentiles.  Listen to my speech and obey the voice of him whom the Lord sends, and if not, if you refuse to listen, your cities will become ruins, and your land a desolation.   

  29. Be not rebellious against him in who's ownership you stand, or your carcasses will become food for the vultures.  If an ox or a horse refuses to obey its master and kicks at him, will it be of any use to him?  And will he not slay it on account thereof?  So with you O nations of Gentiles, -  obey the voice of your Master, for why should you become a ruin with none to rejoice?

  30. Will you go to your rulers for help, to skeletons twice dead and blind?  Or kneel before your idols of wood and stone that cannot  even speak nor move themselves, as if I should tremble before them?  Will you trust in your armies, and your tools of warfare as if by these you shall be saved?

  31. Who is He who taught you how to make these tools, and granted you computer chips, and to divide the atom?  Shall He not be wiser than His works, and cast you down along with all your tools of warfare?  

  32. You thought you were so wise in yourselves, but He did not give to you the understanding of fundamentals,  but closed your eyes to them so you might be known for fools, and for the blind that you truly are.

  33. O that I could depart from among the sons of man, not to hear a voice or even a whisper of them, how heavenly that would be.  But the Creator of all caused my blood to be sprinkled upon them, and He etched them upon me.  There is no escape for me from the sons of men, for He nurtured me to be for a shade to them.

  34. I do not like reprove, and it pains me to upbraid, for I am as He said; "a tender one," whose desire is for peace, and perfect tranquility.  

  35. But O my people, my people, they are of a different mind causing me to take in hand a rod of judgment, and for their war against me these will have war.

  36. My prayer to Thee O Lord; send forth Thy anointed O Lord, and let him be as Thou has spoken, and when they turn to harm Thy anointed - destroy them from before him - that these might know that it is Thou who has send him, that Thou O Lord art the strength of his hand.

LAMENTATION             (March 2010)

  1. What pleasure do I have in myself, why do my eyes look upon that which I despise, that which is an abomination to me?  For all that I am, I am but half a man, a creature not whole, a desire unfulfilled.  

  2. And so I thought to cut it from me, but it remained with me, and with the knowledge of wisdom it grew stronger with me.  How then am I to survive to combat that which is too strong for me?

  3. How much have I spoken, and how good to the soul is the word, which the Almighty One so graciously awarded me, yet no one would listen.  I speak, but in vain, I write, but it is not read.  

  4. I am for the welfare of men, but he gives me no ear.  Knowledge I indeed have, but unto what end, understanding yes, but it is but for myself.

  5. What desire is there in me that I should wish to live in this world?  When I look around to behold the people and the nations, they all bow down to demons, to their graven images, and to the imagination of their corrupt ideals. 

  6. The meek and those with integrity are few and far between, there is no abiding in this world for them that are of another world, of a realm beyond all that is understood by the ignorance of them that inhabit this world.

  7. How painful that my eyes must behold the folly of men, how abominable to my soul their deeds are, and how disgusting the very thoughts of their heart are to me. Yet I must remain, even for their sake I must remain that my blood might not be in vain, a royal token for a people not my own.

  8. O Lord that Thou would bring me back to where before I was born, when I knew of nothing, when my eyes had never seen the atrocities of man, when there were no sins against me, nor anything in me for which I would come to hate myself.  Righteousness is the only thing of value, that only my desire, my aspirations.  

  9. Seeing therefore myself, why do I live only to despise myself, to wish I had never been born, to never having done anything that was not pleasing to Thee my Creator.

  10. O how beautiful if I had never been born, I would not have known all that is evil, I would have been at peace with no thought of any unrighteousness in me, or in any man. 

  11. When I was barely a man I wished so much that I would die, to never again hear the voice of a man, nor ever to behold the unfaithfulness of the children of man.  But I was forced to live, and to be vexed in heart and in soul for not only that which was in me - but even so much for what my ear was forced to hear and my eye was forced to behold.

  12. Why is life given to a man that has no taste for it, who desires death above all else?  Had I died as a young man I would have few sins, the folly of youth.  But now of age, and into age, I came to hate what my hands had done, and what my thoughts had contemplated, to live with a body subject to vanity.

  13. If I had never been born I would have nothing in regret, nor would I have knowledge, nor the understanding of the Most High to know that apart from Him is but death.  

  14. Had I not been taught I would not have known about sin, nor of any wrong, nor that which I know to be right.   If then for righteousness living is worthwhile, it, for the wrong that cleaved to me, it is much too painful.

  15. For all my speech I am looked upon as a fool, as one who is surely demented, one of no value, nor of any accounting.  To all around me I have become a fool while my soul abides in silence, that dreadful silence, and the vanity of being idle, with none to lighten my burdens, none to hear of a truth.

  16. It is like as were I in an enclosure, walled in by silence, with a floor of vanity, and the roof above me of idleness. It is a painful abiding to dwell among the sons of men, a sentence of death to hear and behold them. This surely is a hell unto me to have my abiding with the sons of the earth.

  17. It is the bitterness in me that speaks, the vanity of my days in vanity.  So I said to myself, the Lord has given me so many things, He was to me of a generous hand, yet for the pain of my exile O how I wish to depart from this place, how dearly this place is a hell to me, a painful being.  

  18. I reside in a body that has its desires contrary to my desires, in my spirit I am not subject to sin, but it provokes me, it lures at me by day and by night, luring to see when and how it may master me, and I am growing weary of the battle.

  19. What are my days that I should desire to live?  I take no pleasure in the delights of man, their looks are a vexation to me, and their words anger me, and for their deeds I am ready to vomit myself of them, why then should I wish to have my abiding among them?

  20. Therefore O Lord I said to myself, O that I were never born, or that Thou would bring me back to before Thou created me, to cancel the thoughts of Thy heart concerning me in creating me, so that my soul would never have known the vanity done among men, nor that of my own.

  21. My soul desires truth and righteousness; I love perfect judgment, together with holiness and compassion, to perform with a perfect love, to be as Thou art Lord, forever just and wholesome in all things.  

  22. My desire is in Thee, but I am only a man, a man who does not like himself because his body is as yet subjected to a world not in my desire, a world I have no use for, a world my soul despises together with all its rigors.

  23. O that I might come home away from the sons of man, far away.  Even this day O Lord I would not hold it against Thee, but call it a blessing of Thy hand if Thou would return me to where I was before I was made in Thy Knowledge.  

  24. So strongly indeed O Lord is my desire to depart from all that is around me, and to depart even from myself, seeing I have no pleasure in myself, nor do I account myself of any value, since that, which I seek to be in Thy image eludes me.

  25. The world of vanity seeks to deprive me of my true desire, and I am growing weary in the combat.  It strikes me and I strike back, and again it draws me so again I must take up the sword to cast it from me.   When will this battle end?  How long must I wage war?  

  26. And as I think of these things I say to myself, but these Leonard are but the small things, since before long your enemies will multiply themselves against you.

  27. While then it is not my life, nor this body that concerns me, it is the vileness of man that is a sword through me, and their rebellion that pains me.  It is not me O Lord whom they hate, but Thy love that is within me. Nor is it against me that they turn themselves, but against the righteousness of Thy word that they oppose and slander me.

  28. I was vexed, I hated myself, therefore I spoke in the anguish of my soul.  And wills they speak to me saying; who made you a prince over us, my reply for you that do not know of humility is; 'I will be what I am, but for the humble I am their servant.

  29. Again a day, it is for an accounting, for numbers that are no numbers, man is what he is made of his Creator, and what more shall my heart reveal of what is not to be revealed, of what is not to be spoken?  

  30. How lovely indeed when wisdom caresses the soul, and understanding becomes the grandeur of peace, how marvelous indeed are all the works of God.

  31. One of the kings said; "It is not in man to direct his steps."  And what now have I said to you that are wise, to you in whom the grandeur of wisdom has found its welcome.  I have hid what is hidden and uncovered what cannot be seen.  May it be for wisdom unto you.

MOST MARVELOUS

  1. How extremely well Thou has made everything O my Lord.  How extremely well; such magnificence by which Thou has constructed everything. When Thou said; "I will make for him a help meet for him."   Thy work was most perfect, more than perfection, most astonishing, to form and create such marvel of engineering, man with his mate.

  2. But O when I say "how extremely well Thou has made everything," who among the sons of men are able to follow upon my thoughts, to realize the realization which Thou has given me.  With whom can I possibly share such thoughts?

  3. For I cannot possibly place into words such thoughts that pass through my heart, thoughts for which there are no words to express.    I thank Thee O my Lord for at times granting me such insight, such realization, for which I can find no words but how extremely well Thou has made things, man and all things.

  4. Who or what art Thou O Lord that such immense wisdom and ability is with Thee?  How infinitely great Thou art, and wise beyond any understanding.  

  5. For it was of Thee to grant me an insight into such things of Thy hand, granting me to behold as through a mirror the absolute marvel of Thy handiwork.   So marvelous, so ingenious as cannot be expressed in any terms by which men speak with one another.

  6. I therefore O Lord open my heart to Thee, in thanks.   For that which Thou granted me to behold cannot be written, it cannot be shared man to man.  With Thee only I can speak of it, since Thou does know the very thoughts of my heart, thoughts I cannot place into any kind of wording. 

  7. O how my soul marvels at Thy ability, how very illustrious Thou art.

May 2012

  1. The Lord has a day of judgment. The Lord is very great, more majestic than can possibly be pronounced, His ability is so infinite as I behold in the spark of knowledge which He has given me.  

  2. But who O Lord is to apprehend the depth of my speech, for the thoughts Thou has placed into my heart are beyond the sons of man. These are not able to apprehend the splendor of the wisdom that Thou has given me, nor come near to the thoughts Thou did place within me.

  3. Where it is written that "Thou art the Creator of all," what man has the understanding thereof, even the half thereof?   Has Thou therefore given me more than many to apprehend such words?

  4. It was not until the eight day in Thy creation that Thou brought forth the woman for her man.  And so it will not be until the eight day when at last I shall receive my help meet for me from Thy hand.

  5. I can not speak to anyone but to Thee alone regarding that which passes within me.  I look forward to the day of peace, to the day that Thou wilt shut the mouth of all the sons of man lest my peace will not be peace.   When the wicked are put under, and the blind no longer blind, then shall my heart rejoice in the peace of Thy hand.  

  6. Yet before that day, Thou as yet has a day of judgment, a day to sort out what is not of peace.    Thou O Lord will perform the purpose that Thou has with me.  For the wicked there will be no peace.  When these are no longer able to speak nor make a sound then my soul will rejoice in Thee, in the judgment of Thy hand.

  7. It is most awesome the glory and the honor that Thou O Lord has bestowed on me, a glory and honor I cannot possibly as yet comprehend.  But Thou art giving me a spark of understanding, a beginning of a realization thereto, that I Thy servant may be known with Thee, to be known as Thy son, and be known for grace and compassion, a king of peace.

  8. All because Thou loved me, and elected me from before the earth was formed, that I might glory in Thee, and forever praise Thy name.  O what a marvelous future Thou has arranged for me, such magnificence as I can barely apprehend.

  9. When Thy word was shown to me, I believed upon it.  When Thou did put a halt to my steps I looked to Thee and I was not rebellious, but I believed upon Thy word, and I went forth trusting in Thee.  It is good to trust Thee O Lord, and most delicious to believe upon Thy word.

  10. I was bold, and asked of Thee to grant me understanding, and that Thou would grant me exceedingly great compassion, a sure love, that I might have a love of Thy love, a compassion as Thou art compassioned.  And Thou did not withhold it from me.

  11. And from Thy word I understood all that Thou had spoken concerning one who was to come, the word that Thou had spoken regarding Thy servant.  Nor for all Thy gifts unto me was I able to deny them, but that these spoke of me, of me a lowly servant, and how to digest such an honor of Thy hand upon me.

  12. I have spoken with authority, speaking frankly and boldly. Nor was I at any time able to speak differently, for Thou did infuse me with the words, and so I spoke in Thy name, and by Thy Counselor.   I am Thy creature O Lord, now and forever.

  13. Thou has given me more knowledge than any man, an understanding that exceeds the sons of men. When I behold the knowledge and the understanding of the sons of man, they appear as being sevenfold ignorant.  

  14. Their ignorance is indeed inconceivable to me, I cannot comprehend such lack of knowledge, it is fully beyond me.  And so I feel myself alone in a world not to my comprehension.  But my joy is with Thee O Lord and my aspirations are unto Thee.

OVERCOME

  1. Like as the Lord is enraged by the wickedness of man, even so the wicked enrage me, and I will cast them down with violence,  For the Spirit of the Lord is upon me to serve mankind with the reward of their inhuman behavior.

  2. The Lord has overcome me to such a degree that whatever angers Him angers me, for I am no longer my own, nor is my spirit the one to rule me, but the Lord in His love as well as in His fury has made me a son of His Beloved.

  3. Therefore O you children of men, do not anger me, for I will cast you down with force and with violence.  Laugh at me, and I will laugh at your pain and your anguish when it is exacted upon you.   

  4. I am not to be mocked because I am the Lord’s.  Whosoever mocks me, mocks his Maker.  And what stupidity is it of anyone to bite the hand that feeds him.

Next page