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LETTER 16   Leonard - Feb 23 1989

Sorrow.

Dear mother

1.       This letter will be difficult, I know that I am quite sensitive, and at times I do things with my feelings rather than with my head.  You had said that you wished to feel with me, which can only be when two understand one another.

2.       And though I knew that this would be difficult for you, I wished so much to truly have a mother, a love that I have missed for so long.  I then wrote you much since you asked for it, good or bad. 

3.       I therefore had no choice but to expose my birth to you, which can only be accepted in faith.  And that song likewise can only be understood with faith. 

4.       It was not my intention to grieve you. But now my heart is heavier than lead, and my soul very much grieved, because you are forcing me to say what I would rather not say, nor write, nor even think about. 

5.       O how difficult this is going to be, how will I relate that sore wound?  My wife receives more love than many others, what is due to her I have not kept from her.  Yet still, she cannot be one with me, nor I with her, other than in earthly things, while my love is not in earthly things.

6.       Heaven's love is a much greater treasure, like a mountain unto a hill.  And such as rejoice in the flesh cannot understand this, but will sooner hate it.

7.       The love however for which I asked is nonetheless common with the children of God, wherefore it is not too much to ask for, or to long for, but rather law and righteousness. 

8.       For many years I fought to keep the love, but scorn after scorn it was in vain.  And although I am trying to pronounce it, the scorn against what is most dear to my soul is too painful, since I still love her, although it is not with that higher love, but in my love for her I rather forget it.

9.       I then wrote you a song, and you said; "I would rather that you had written it to your wife."  But I have also written her poems, and attempted to draw her unto me with many words.  May I not do something for a mother whom I have not seen or heard of in thirty-five years? 

10.    Why do you reprove me for this?  Now I am sorry that I did so, and the words of the preacher rest heavy on me where he said.  “Do not open your heart to all - they might only thank you.”

11.    In the gospel it is written, that if one does not keep with Christ, that after two or three times it must be obvious that he is not a child of God, nor that he will be.  How much more then if I tried a hundred times? 

12.    In the end I will have to lay me down by the will of God that it is not of Him, and we have to accept His judgment.  Was not God at enmity with the Canaanites always?  He killed Judah's children because of her. And Judah later cursed her for what she did with his last son, wherefore she also died.  Obviously my mother not everyone will be saved.

13.    Why do you force happiness to me from my wife O my mother while this is not given of God?  Why seek after earthly happiness while I pointed so much heavenly happiness out to you?  I would sooner have expected a song of praise, for you to rejoice in the great gift that Christ has given me.

14.    Do you find anointed ones daily on the street as if that is common?  But concerning that you spoke not a word, not one single word.  How many more times then shall I ask God for that on which He answered me that it is not to be?

15.    Let off my dear mother, do not fight me, nor God's judgment, do not seek so much after earthly happiness, for it will perish, it is only vanity.  How much more sorrow shall I bear, is it not enough for me after all these years? 

16.    My aim was to win your love, to give a mother the love that is due to her from a true son that you have missed so much in all these years.  How shall I repay that? 

17.    You have missed a husband and a son, and I thought to give both to you, not in a manner after the flesh, but in spirit as I clearly said to prevent misunderstanding.

18.    Thus I shall have to subdue myself to your support, for of what use is a son my mother that does not need you, nor asks anything of you?  Do you want a son who sends you a letter or a card two or three times a year? 

19.    What compassion may there be in that, or what soul's rejoicing is therein to be found?  I already have one such a mother, but is she truly a mother, or a friend?  And am I her son, or just someone she knows? 

20.    You became a mother for eight children, but one of these was born with both body and soul of that woman.  And whether or not he be the wrong kind of son or not, he cannot be different.

21.    Being real mother and son is with intimate support, real mother and son is as when he is mixed of her own blood.  She will give her life for him, and the son his life for his mother.  Then the love will be full, and real, which is only possible in faith with God. 

22.    You yourself said; "This cannot remain like this."  And now O my mother will you suffice with only letters till death do us part?  May I ask you my dear mother, what death?  For in faith there is no death, but only eternity, how then shall I separate from you?

23.    Shall I love you with the love of Christ, and you me, and then something which does not exist separates us?  Never my mother, I shall yet honor you as mother in our heavenly home, and you shall embrace me as your son. 

24.    I know that I press with strength towards love and faith, for I was created for this, but this same son moved you to intimacy more than others, consider this also my dearest. 

25.    Say to yourself, but he gives more than others if I keep myself to him. Even if I have to fight for him, I will also gain more, his yoke will be greater, but his gift will also be so much greater.  Buy my love my mother, you will not be sorry.

26.    Is it a small thing in your eyes that the Lord choose me as a prince over many?  Hanna sang a song to the Lord when she received Samuel to son; her soul sprung up in her, in faith this is possible.  You love the Savior, strengthen yourself then in faith. 

27.    How sad that you did not understand my high-song, there is indeed much in it, even in part it would have made me happy.  You said to me; "In the first place, you must live for your wife and family."  But who contends that I have done them any harm? 

28.    My happiness is higher than hers, is that punishable?  Did not the Savior say; "Whosoever loves father, mother, wife or child more than Me, is Me not worthy."

29.    In the first place therefore we must live for Christ, there is our first happiness.  And if this is not so, a lesser faith O my mother shall not save us.  To seek after earthly happiness is to fail heavens blessings, do not ever forget this my dearest. 

30.    Moreover, you should have known that God formed me with manifold love, He takes me by the hand to warn nations, to judge mighty ones, and bring joy to many others. 

31.    And at the same time I can prove love to my family and to a mother and still others in addition thereto.  I will not be fully made until I love countless many from the heart, and their love returns to me. 

32.    He who is set over a family has enough therein, but a prince is no true prince if he does not love all his children, his whole nation from the heart.  And my love for the people is moving, and I will show it, for it is a gift of God.

33.    Is my love strange to you my mother that you turned it away to my wife?  Ask them whom they love more for father and husband.  But even as the Savior said, “A prophet is not honored by his own family."  Thus strangers will acknowledge my love, and in measure return the same. 

34.    In human weakness I sought for your support now that my time for delivery, as I said to you, has come near.  This, for the moment lies heaviest on me. I sought your support. 

35.    "Kiss me my mother", so I said, and I searched through both letters but found not a single word. 

36.    Now I shall have to do it alone without support.  I am however used to that since for thirty years the Lord has led me through a desert from trial to trial, only from you I had expected differently.  A mother may be different, so I said.

37.    And what now is worse?  I will explain to you what grieves me the most.  I had pointed out to you from Isaiah 41 where God called me from the north, and that I would call upon His name, and trample on rulers as a potter molds clay. 

38.    That I would speak words never heard before, and the people among each other would say; I know it not, I can't say if he is right, something like this we have never heard, such speech and such authority. 

39.    And the Lord insures that never before has anyone spoken that knowledge, but that God Himself taught him.  He first taught a son in Zion (Christ) so He said, so that Israel and all mankind would not be cast off, and that he would be a messenger of joy to Jerusalem.

40.    Then the Lord said; “But when I look around I see no-one, when I turn to them there is no counselor who when I ask gives answer.'  And therefore the Lord despises them, like He said, They are all nothing, their works only wind and vanity with their cast images. 

41.    How terrible is it to give no answer to God, or to a Son of God.  I have treasures that exceed all riches on earth.  In past times I now and then laid a great treasure before them.  But no one knew how to answer, while they had such a big mouth and spoke so proudly. 

42.    But when God placed an answer or a question to them, they knew nothing to reply, wherein then their reply is; "You fool, or, go away, we don't want this, it is too pure, our stones are our gold, your gold makes our stones as nothingness".

43.    After this, and because of this, I came to despise them that they were not able to answer; it was as if I were slapped in the face.  Thus my soul despised their doings.  And so I became angry, and committed a sin, I withheld wisdom and teaching, because they filled my soul with bitterness. 

44.    This sin will be to their cost; they will have to pay for it.  And this will be more so in the day of tomorrow, for even the people shall despise them, and the senseless will begin to shed blood, the great of the earth will be slaughtered. 

45.    And they will accuse me, and avenge it on me, only they will not be able to.  They will be amazed at what I dare to say to them not being afraid of their numbers.

46.    You did not answer me anything my mother, not a single word.  O my dear mother if only you had said something, made a remark.  Consider now what the Lord said by Isaiah. 

47.    Though faith is difficult, if only you had tried, yes reached for it, weakness I accept with compassion, but scorn sends me away. 

48.    You had three or four letters, in which I sought support and compassion, instead you say; "Tell me what bothers you, or what is difficult for you.  How will I now say more to you? 

49.    You asked, "Who is Anaheim?"  I really do not know where you got this, I cannot remember having said it, but this my mother is not a who, but a what, it is a place here, a city where Disneyland is, about thirty minutes driving from here, like Hillegom or something.

50.    Solomon said; "He who gains wisdom gains sorrow".  And this is because love also increases therewith.  Unbelief hurts me like a sword through my heart. 

51.    But now I must say good by to you my beloved, it was very difficult for me to write this.  I do not know at this moment if you love me or despise me, I fear the worst. 

52.    The trial is in faith, he who asks receives, knock and you shall be opened, but where there is no asking, there is loss.  I will not kiss you this time; my face is still too sore yet.  Your son Leonard.

 

LETTER 17  Leonard - Feb 28 1989

The value of faith. 

Dear mother.

1.       A son came to you mother, but he was not an earthly son, you rejoiced in him, called him the greatest treasure on earth, with affectionate love you reached out.  “This one, so you said; I will never let go". 

2.       Look once again at your son who brought so much joy to your heart, he does not rejoice in earthly things, with him came difficulties, a stone of faith.  You shall have to embrace him in faith to be one with him. 

3.       The Father gave His Son to salvation, and whosoever believes Him shall share with Him, and whosoever accepts God's witness with faith, accepts also Christ.  And that accept Him accept the Father, and they that believe My witness believe also in Me, and that does not believe him believes not Me.

4.       I will explain the meaning of my last letters.  With the first revelation I planned to send four total, and with the first song I also thought four totals, and after that this letter namely, "The value of Faith".

5.       But not just for you did I write these, but also at the same time for Sarah and Anah.  I now will call you Anneke, and also Anah, in order to explain my meaning. 

6.       Sarah means princess, she is the wife of Abraham, and with her I mean the people of Israel.  And Anah, the wife of Esau, with her I point to all nations excepting Israel.

7.       I have three mothers, Sarah is my mother in faith, Anah is my mother in the flesh, and we can also take Anigje as Anah, and Anneke as Sarah, and Anneke/Anah after the spirit. For God has called His children from Anah as well as from Sarah. 

8.       With these letters I thus directed myself as a Son of God to both these women.  For you know by now that God has called me as a witness, and in that I labor. 

9.       I had said to you; "Why do you wish to share with me my mother, do you not know that I must serve in my Father's house?  And also I said; "It will be difficult for you".  Mark my word mother.  I am not an earthly son that I should speak nonsense.

10.    Solomon then spoke a high-song, the love of Christ for His people, and to honor her beauty, and how He desires her, and she in return.  Solomon now was a prince in Sarah, and I as a prince in Anah also wished to add a high-song.

11.    To speak of His love, and of her good fortune to put her joy into words.  This is so that in the years to come many might behold this love, and that God might be honored therein, how kindly the Son goes about with His mother and wife. 

12.    Most of my song is yet for the future, a few lines are currently fitting.  Later my mother you will understand, when you hold fast to me, to "never" let me go, mark my word mother.

13.    Those thus were for Anah and Sarah, but since I had to sent them to you (Anneke) first, I had to change the words a bit so that it would point more to Anneke in Anah in her time before the Son comes to her.

14.    But also that at the same time they would be fit for Sarah.  So did I sent them to you.  Did I not say; "I place you as Israel," and also; "This is for many beloved ones."  Pay attention at my word mother. 

15.    Sarah then is mother to Christ, but Anah is also His mother, Sarah in her own blood, while Anah accepted Him.  For when Israel died on the Son (did not want Jesus) Anah (Gentiles) accepted Him.  So also it is with you and me as a son of God not in your own blood, but an adopted one.

16.    But it did not take long, only a short while, or Anah was no longer with the Son.  In the second century already it went with Anah as with Sarah.  (Anneke also lost a man).

17.    And so the years passed, and judgment having come near, just as the prophet foretold saying; "After two thousand years He will accept us, and in the third lift us up". 

18.    Thus there are two women, Sarah and Anah, by example; Sarah-Edith which was given me to wife, who lives at my seat, who does not grant me faith, and Anneke-Anah, a women as an adopted mother. 

19.    I then love both as Jesus loves Israel as well as all nations, and which of these will return my love? 

20.    Sarah then mocked me, but perhaps Anah will love me, embrace me in faith, then will I raise her heart to heaven, and embrace her in love.

21.    But the Son of God comes with a yoke, a harness that looks like wood with steel bands, which He places upon His mother and wife.  The Son of God is not like an earthly son that desires after the flesh, where divorce is commonplace. 

22.    He who came to you does not like divorce, it does not exist for him, nor for her, who did not do him right.  He comes with a yoke, the yoke of faith for all that love Him.  With that signet He lays her to him not to be defiled with the seed of any other. 

23.    I am jealous like also Jesus is jealous, I do not want to share my love with anyone, not a jealousy of the flesh, but of the spirit, of faith, of pure faith undefiled of strangers.  Pay attention to my words, understand them my mother. 

24.    He does not want her faith shared with others, therefore my dear woman, if you want me as a son, put on my yoke, my yoke is not heavy. 

25.    All things turn for faith. He that believes holds God's word as truth, as truth so I say to you, and to fulfill it.  Consider these words well, and also what follows; for if then God's word is truth, truly true, why not believe?

26.    You can say; "I believe Christ to be the Savior," but when He comes to you through His messenger, then you do not warrant Him faith.  And that my dear woman is not very lovable, for so also Sarah did to the prophets and killed them.

27.    The Son (also your son) loves two women, both Anah and Sarah, and whom shall He raise?  For here comes the question wherein Israel may be better than any other nation.  Why shall God honor Israel above any other people, Sarah over Anah?  Are the sins of Anah greater than those of Sarah?  What has Sarah for advantage?  Pay attention at my words my dear woman for these are the wine of understanding, and understanding makes alive if it goes together with faith.

28.    Anneke then - as Anah, refused my love, it was strange to her, and my yoke also that I placed before her, that wood and steel which in reality is a beautiful garment she did not accept.  Now then I will depart from Anah, and change my song for Sarah, and those chosen in her will put on my yoke. 

29.    Then the nations of the earth will have no defense, the Son of God will take Israel for mother and wife, and leave Anah with her sorrows, and enclose her in wood of cedar, for she refused his love, refusing also to put on His yoke. 

30.    Later my mother when you have put on my yoke in full will you understand all this.  And why you my mother?  Because in Anneke is all of Anah, for had I gone to any of the many other Anneke's in Anah they would have answered me the same. 

31.    Therefore did I not have to go to these many, since all are bound in one, even as Eve also was one for all, and in Mary also came blessings to all.

32.    My yoke is the faith, that I came of God, if you accept my yoke mother Anah, and mother Sarah and you also mother Anneke, then you will obtain a son in whom you shall rejoice.

33.    But without that yoke O my dear woman I cannot accept you as mother, nor as wife to bring you joy.  If you wish to keep your dearest treasure on earth, bear faith, then you will also come to understand his song.

34.    But now comes the worst, the son must judge, the road is no longer wide, nor is the gate as large as it was my dear one.  What is yet left is but a single door not-as yet closed.  I must depart from you; I have already departed from you, keeping myself at a distance. 

35.    And I will put your loss before you; perhaps there may be some that will put on my yoke in love for the son.  I gave you my heart and soul, but I received scorn, you slew me hard in the face by giving no answer to my birth, as if I were a fool imagining things. 

36.    You have grieved me, and pierced me with a sword, I depart from you to a distance, I will not give you my heart or soul.  You had gained a son, but you lost him very quickly. 

37.    That glory which you imagined in being together with him, that togetherness will not now come, His arms will not embrace you, nor will he seek your face, nor taste of your honey. 

38.    And though your eyes may behold him, how will that be for love unto you?  He shall be as a stranger, and you at most be a mother in name to him, not for real.  He had so much in store for you, so much joy of the soul, which cannot now be portrayed.

39.    He thought, she will give me honey, she will try herself in faith, then shall I come to help her with joy.  And then, so I thought, later, when she rejoices in happiness, I shall sent her this word of "The Value-of Faith," so that all Anneke's in Anah and in Sarah might take example on her, on my Anneke, my dearest. 

40.    I would be very proud with my Anneke, and show her as a beautiful example to countless others.  I would have said; behold my Anneke how much joy you now have, this you have because you believed, and for that cause alone my dear Anneke. 

41.    For if you had not believed, so I thought to say, I would have gone from you, taken my heart and my soul from you, and how then will you again find them? 

42.    But now it is already so, my word did not fit Anah, and perhaps Anneke neither?  Anah, like as Sarah, does not want me either.  But I said, I will yet speak of "The Value of Faith", I owe it.

A PARABLE

43.     There was a beautiful but poor maiden, who longed for the son of a rich Father, her heart was really set on him.  But how will he take notice of her in her torn clothing and her armbands of iron?

44.    But the son looked upon her with love, and placed a chest with gold ornaments before her, and also a chest of costly clothing so she might put them on, to the end that he might take her to his house, to bring her before his Father.

45.    But when she saw these things it was too much for her, as if they were excessive, the costly clothing were strange to her, nor did she put on the golden ornaments.

46.    Then the son turned in grief, pierced with a sword through his soul.  In great sorrow he left her still thinking on her beauty and his desire for her, and the love that was now scorned.  

47.    He thought; O had she but tried to put on my clothing, I would have helped her, but she did not even put forth a hand. 

48.    I will grieve for her, and afterwards I will remove the sword, and her arrow, and cast them away.  Her good and her evil I will cast off in a single day, and I will have her placed under wood of cedar.  

49.    What now my mother?  First losing a man in such short time, then sickness and now a son who was the most dearest on earth to you lost so quickly?  O how much sorrow we cause to ourselves in ignorance and in unbelief. 

50.    You will have to strengthen your words, to never let him go.  Did you think that you could be silent concerning my heart, which I opened for you and then just pass on as if nothing had happened? 

51.    Your dearest treasure stands at God's word, be not so concerned for others, God takes care of all, this day He is asking your soul, care now for your own soul, answer Him.

52.    My heart groans for you my mother, but I must do it to you, since I am truly born in the Son of God, I am truly all that I said I was and more.  The Son has truly placed me as a stone of trial, even as He was a stone of trial by His Father. 

53.    Without that faith my dear woman you will be enclosed with woods of cedar just as Solomon pointed out in his high-song, because you had no breasts, no mother-milk for food. 

54.    Mothers-milk is for food my mother, for I am your child, and if you do not feed me as a child I will die from you.  Do you understand this my mother?

55.    Your child is not alone, he is a child but also a teacher, your child seeks milk, not with a bottle mother, no strange milk, but from your bosom which God granted you in your heart so that it might come to His son from your mouth to feed him. 

56.    Do you understand this my mother?  I the child, God the Father, you the mother?  He wants you to feed His child with the milk of faith and of knowledge.  Use all your strength my mother to understand this, think on it. 

57.    Did not Jesus lay in the bosom of Mary, and drank from-her breast?  So also full-grown He lays Himself in the bosom of all people that love Him so that they might give Him fruits of faith.

58.    You said that your beloved son was so much like his mother who is with Jesus, if then the mother is with Jesus, and the son is like her, why do you not believe him?  Can a good tree bear bad fruit?  And did I not give you evidence of that fruit, and still more evidence I can furnish you. 

59.    If you truly believe the word of God, believe what your son tells you according to God's word.  I called you dearest, not that you are more dear to me than others, nor as if you were the only one or highest darling, but I have more than one mother, more than one woman. 

60.    I speak to both, or to all with dearest so that one will not be less than the other, all equally lovable and beloved, for thus the Lord desires it. 

61.    A prince has many women, many beloved ones, and they are all equally lovable. He can love many Anneke's since he was created as a true prince of God, with a heart of a prince and a soul like unto it. 

62.    Under his shadow will be many, and he must be able to love them all.  And you know, don't you, that I do not speak these words only to you, but to Anah and Sarah as well.

63.    Shall I go to one of my beloved ones, and hear of her to give myself to another who refuses my love?  In reply I will depart from both of them and speak to a stranger, and she will give herself to my love. 

64.    And her I will make head of my house, on her I will set a crown and clothe her with glory.  And those who refused me, these I will enclose with cedar-wood.  Yes, had they but understood what it means to be enclosed by wood of cedars, they would not have refused me.

65.    Will you now in sorrow for your loss say; this man is too difficult for me, he that came to me brings me grief and troubles.  It is easier for me to accept an earthly son, for they do not ask for faith.  Nor do they come with a yoke in which I must strap myself, they allow themselves to be counseled by me. 

66.    But this son is like a teacher, like a strong man who wants to put me in wood, and he is like a child who wants to drink of me.  Actually he shames me, he desires that I uncover myself, and where will I find milk for his thirst?  And if I refuse, he does not want me, this son grieves me and makes it difficult for me.

67.    In this now I agree with you my mother, for likewise did God bring His Son into the world, He brings troubles, He asks for faith, He comes with a cross, a yoke.  But do not trouble yourself for that milk, later on you will say; "I had no milk, but when he overcame me, it came of itself". 

68.    And Jesus also calls you; it really is Him who calls.  Bear our yoke dear woman, you will inherit both the Son of God, and a son of God, or you shall lose both.  Trust on the word of His witness, he speaks My word, the love of God lets itself be found.

69.    But not for a second time my dear mother will I let myself be caught by your arrow, I still carry it if you will not despise me with an evil tone.  O how terrible that will be to despise with evil tone.

70.    Sarah also was senseless, she did not learn to understand her man, and while Anah rejoiced herself in Him she also scorned Him for His yoke.  Sarah then was cast away, and now Anah will also be cast away.

71.    The Son will turn Himself to the chosen in Sarah and take them to wife, for unto that was his desire from his youth.  In the chosen of Sarah I will rejoice myself, and they that are given me of Anah will dwell with me.

72.    This writing is now to you, to you my Anneke in Anah, before long this will be placed before many in Anah and in Sarah.  And they who grant me faith will be kept and shall acknowledge what in love is given.  Won’t you mother Anneke not be an exception in Anah? 

73.    In weakness I came to you, as one like unto you, to win you with love in faith.  I held myself weak, but I also allowed my authority to shine through.  For who would be able to stand under His authority when He cuts death from life, truth from the lie, and faith from unbelief, who then will remain? 

74.    Those who desire nothing of me, to them I will show my authority.  He shall roar like a lion, destroy as a strong lion, trample birds of prey under foot, avenge Himself strongly, fear shall fall on them like a woman in labor. 

75.    "With a mighty sounding voice", so He spoke, He who planted me on Zion, and those who live on earth shall tremble.  But that are weak and show love, to these I will be in their likeness granting help to those that seek it.

76.    He that is taught of the Lord does he need to be taught of Anah?  Yes teach me my mother, and also accept my teaching, later you will see that it was in ignorance and in unbelief that you did so. 

77.    This is so with many that long for Christ, they believe that Christ died for the sins of men, and they talk of His word and law, but devils also believe this, and they tremble on account of it.

78.     For not those that are sown in shallow ground shall become full-grown, but those in firm ground who place their roots deep shall withstand the storm.  The shallow who have taken the name of Christ, and think to counsel God on how it all should be, speak against the word instead of letting themselves be taught by it.

79.    Is it not so that God does the teaching, and for man to accept it?  Yet they wish to turn the roles.  "One does not have to offer salt with offerings", so they say, "for that is harmful to the flesh." 

80.    But this is not how God spoke, God said; "You shall not honor idols."  But they instead call devils master and lord, and dare to pronounce that such is proper, and many such things they do.

81.    But to give themselves with body and soul in faith, to truly believe and grant trust, to truly conform their life's to His word, that is to step on their toe's, that is "too" religious. 

82.    "One must not serve God too much", so the hypocrites speak, they do not want to serve God, but they do want to teach those that are saved and who have been through death and hell concerning God.  The Son of God however will teach them in another manner.

83.    Hear me Anneke, and Anah, and Sarah, all Anneke's.  You are neither cold nor hot, and therefore if you do not consider your condition and become either hot or cold, I will spit you out says the Lord.  Become warm and you will be pleasing to Me, or cold, and I will cast you away.

84.    I have seen all of you, you will teach without being taught.  Consider therefore your condition, it's the word of God that teaches, and they that do not conform themselves to it, will not share with Him.

 

LETTER 18       Ann - Feb 18 1989

My dear child.

1.       It is now already three Saturdays on which I received a letter from you, this is glorious, very much thanks my darling.  The first thing that you wrote to me in Oct, the very first line, "Many things pass but love never," with that you stole my heart. 

2.       And now you write that you are in love, but in the first place you must be in love with your Edith, I would not want that she has to experience what I had in 1953, that cannot be is it my dear Leonard? 

3.       Much thanks for the pictures which you sent, I recall you good from it, and what marvelous of the foster children that you have contact with them.

4.       O my son it is delicious to receive your letters, and how glorious that I have again gotten a son with your writing and all.  But don't sent me any money, when you come I will return it to you.

5.       You asked for a picture, but I did sent one last week, which you will have gotten by now. Meanwhile O my boy I hope that you will be happy with your wife and family. 

6.       But I think you have had much difficulties in your life, and that you have much need of love.  I want to help you so much to in all things to be a real mother for you, but how can I help you? 

7.       Write me concerning yourself and how I can help you my darling, in the first place Jesus can help you with trouble and pain, together we will pray for it, of that we make an accord.

8.       How nice that you finished one of your books, that is worth a congratulation, for you did much work on it so I have understood, and now you are busy with the second to finish it.  Write me concerning yourself, for I want to feel with you in everything. 

9.       I have always loved all of you and thought it terrible at the time that I had to leave you. But now you are my dearest child through the glorious contact that we have together.

10.    And I hope that the pain in your chest is not serious, write me how it is.  Is it always nice weather by you?  We had a warm January, but now it rains day and night and storming the whole week. 

11.    I will write you a verse;  Abba Father to Thee alone I belong, Thou only knows my heart, Thine it is, let my heart always be aflame, Thou never leaves us alone.  Abba Father to Thee alone it belongs. 

12.    Abba Father let me be of Thee alone, that my will forever be Thine and none other.  Let not my heart be cold O Lord, never let me go.  Abba Father let me be of Thee alone. 

13.    Good-by my very dear Leonard, very much love and till next week, a kiss from your loving mother, you are and will always be in my heart. 

 

LETTER 19  Leonard - March 4 1989 

Dear mother.

1.       Received your letter of Feb 18, and while you again write; Tell me much concerning yourself what you feel and everything, for I want to feel with you in everything, this is already the third letter of you in which you answer me nothing from what I had said of myself. 

2.       What more than shall I say?  Shall I open my heart to you, and you merely thank me for it?  I would rather someone else hit me. What is it anyway that you wish that I should write concerning myself? 

3.       Shall I speak of airplanes?  It are only models, sheer vanity, or about my work to do electrical work?  You would not be interested in that, nor does it interest me, I dislike it, and do it only for bread and butter and a piece of cheese, the sooner I can leave it the better. 

4.       And concerning the weather can also be said in one line, the sun shines eleven months out of the year, and the roads are long parking lots since too many people at once are on it. 

5.       No one is sick here, everyone does his work day after day, and my wife can be happier with me than Roger's wife with him, but to say this will also be taken in error, or I will have to write a whole explanation of it. 

6.       And where I said; I was in love, is up to now also miss-understood, not that I said it wrong, but so taken, and thus I must give an explanation of that.

7.       Then there are yet the books of which I can speak, for these are really my work, to earn bread and cheese is mere play, my work lies in words and how to provide teaching therewith.  I do not labor with cows to speak of them, but the neighbor has just moved. 

8.       My whole life lies in words, from beginning till now it has been learning, always learning.   When I was twenty two years of age, I went to school, and I am still at that same school, and will remain there until men will demand my blood for what I have learned at that school.  But on that day I will rejoice that at last I may come home, that my strongest desire has arrived. 

9.       If I am asked what would make me the happiest man on earth, and I am required to give an honest answer, shall I say; a wife perhaps that is fully one with me? Yes that would be wonderful, but not my highest desire.

10.    Or perhaps a thousand wives and also men and children whom I may love from the heart, and they in return?  Yes this also would be wonderful, but not my highest desire.  Or to be a son of God, and to receive wisdom of Him? 

11.    Yes now that is far more beautiful than the previous, but while I have these I have still a greater desire, namely for the day that I may come home, to depart from this world. I had to give an honest answer, and now I have given it.

12.    How then shall a woman, or if the Lord gave me many women that be my highest desire?  I long for my birth, to my Father on high, where my ear will no longer have to hear lies, nor cursing, and where my eye no longer beholds the wickedness of men, for such is death to me. 

13.    But he who is not wise will take my words in error, he that is unwise says; but then you would have to leave your wife and children with whom you are so happy, and that is not nice for them, nor after love, and that it is strange to long for death. 

14.    But that reasoning is after earthly thoughts, I did not say that I longed for death, but sooner for life, to be home.  Am I then accused for longing to live, for seeking life rather than to remain in death?  And how will I lose wife or children since I have eternal life?  For they that are one with me will follow me to life, if they do not pass on before me. 

15.    One does not have to teach me earthly things, for I know them like everyone else, but few are able to come lose from earthly things.  If my loved ones go before me to life, I will thank God rather than shed tears, because they are home while I have yet to come home, I would sooner cry that I have yet to remain. 

16.    But I do not ask to be taken before my time, for I wish to remain to save as many as possible and be in support of others.  And to fulfill my task unto which I was called, and did not Paul speak in like manner?  Who can grieve over a loved one that is rejoicing? 

17.    The hearts of men that are without understanding do, for what foolishness is it to cry in sorrow for those that rejoice?  It is stupid.  One must cry with those who cry, and rejoice with those who rejoice, that is God's command given in wisdom.

18.    At the grave in Nieuw Vennep people stood speechless that one of her sons did not cry, but in his heart he was happy for her.  What now is wrong with that son?  He is just as wrong as David was who when his child died no longer cried but washed himself and ate. 

19.    But whether David the king be wrong, and this son is wrong, both David and the son kept God's law, the others in human weakness broke it since they had not firm faith in their heart.  Let us then cry for ourselves, or for those who died, but not for those that go to life and rejoice themselves in God.

20.    Twelve years old, and firm faith, yes twelve years old and firm faith, who can know what that means?  Mother went ahead of me, soon I will embrace her, it is truly stupid to save a dead calf from the ditch while others yet alive cannot get out of it. 

21.    They want to save what is dead, and leave that, which has yet life, for so they say, they still live.  Yea how stupid man can be.  "Sevenfold wisdom" so it reads, but into whom will that enter?  Even if beaten with a rod, it will not be pressed into them. 

22.    Who acclaims; "he is of a higher tone, perhaps there is more than we see?"  "Allow me to bury my father", so a man said, then the Lord said, "let the dead bury the dead, as for you follow Me."

23.    Why am I so different or so wrong?  I was not born of the earth; this is my great sin.  And why yet still more letters after my mother refuses to answer at my calling, and I had already sent her the required words, that "Value of faith?" 

24.    Perhaps she might yet accept faith, in which case she needs fruit for strength.  What sense is there in saving the dead while there is yet a whole world that runs to it? 

25.    "Seek that which is to be saved my son", so my Lord said.  How many people are there in the world today mother?  Apr 5000 million, and of those only a few shall inherit eternal life, the rest shall perish. 

26.    If then I waste my time and effort to take the dead out of ditches while yet others seek after life still having some life, then my mother I shall lift my hands to my Father and ask Him to punish me.

27.    If my mother does not answer me after repeated callings to acknowledge the son to his right, to try herself in faith, then I will know that she is not counted among the few that God has called to sit at His table. 

28.    Then I may no longer place my efforts on her, or I would be punished to leave so many to drown since I was too busy taking the dead out of the ditch.  And though she is my mother, my wife, or child, and my love great, he who honors mother, wife or child over Me is Me not worthy.

29.    No I would look for another if she instead will be mother to me; there are many with whom I would like to be in love, to save each of them.

30.    I grieve the whole day though I let no tears; my children are being murdered all the day long, cut from their mother's womb before they see the light.  Those stupid mothers think that these children are theirs, as if they were born for them while they don't even grant them birth. 

31.    But they are my children, my gift of God, children without number, my darlings.  But who can understand what I speak looking ahead?  Nevertheless I will say it, they that were not given the chance to do good or bad, those many are my children. 

32.    Those stupid mothers think to rob me of children, and that indeed is their stupidity, their error. For my God will raise each of them as a judgment against their murderous actions. 

33.    Then I shall embrace them with the love that neither their fathers nor their mothers gave them.  And their own children cut out of their womb shall be a judgment to them.

34.    What must die, must die, said my Lord.  And Paul also was not allowed to go to the dead, the Spirit of the Lord did not allow him, and were not they also unclean who touched the dead in afore times? 

35.    Who shall understand wisdom, or the command of God?  They that accept Him in faith, for these are chosen.  Let then the love for your son that is in you be for strength, to try for it.  If I were to come to you in my authority O my mother, how would you survive? 

36.    From John 5, "I have come in My Father's name but you believe Me not, if another comes in his own name, him you will accept", so spoke the Lord.  And again, "if you believed Moses, you would also believe Me, for he wrote of me, but if you do not believe the scriptures, how then will you believe Me?

37.    I then say to you my mother, in the name of Christ; that if you believe on Christ, believe also on me, for He wrote of me, but if you do not believe me, how do you say to believe in Christ?

38.    Again from John 6, and you will ask; "What must I do?"  They said to Him; "What must we do to perform the works of God?"  And He said; "That you believe on him whom He has sent". 

39.    Then they asked for a sign, but is this not a sign mother, namely, the word of God that testifies of me?  He, who receives a prophet as a prophet, shall be rewarded as a prophet.  And again, "He who does not accept My witness, does not accept Me."

40.    Up to now I have spoken with some authority, and also after wisdom, which is hard to understand, let now that strength not pass you by.  But I shall moderate my voice.  I must yet speak of love, and again of my wife, which seems to bother you so much, which you have not yet understood. 

41.    I think my mother that I have more problems with the Dutch language than it appears.  For also the full meaning of the words are not like it is in English to me, I will have to use my Dutch more often to regain the value thereof, perhaps my writing is also atrocious.

42.    My wife and I live happily, no problems that are not common, and to depart from her never even entered my mind, nor in hers, no woman nor might in this earth can bring me to that.  A repetition of 1953 as you said, is impossible, that simply does not exist. 

43.    Perhaps you have forgotten mother that my name is Leonard, what my father may have done, I do not necessarily follow his example.  I do not long for you in an earthly desire, but in a higher love. 

44.    For if I sought after your love as a woman in a fleshly desire, I would not have attacked you with faith, nor would I have put a yoke before you, for then I run the chance that I might lose you. 

45.    But my love for you is higher, and I know what I began, and what I must yet do, and what the end may bring.  You are fighting me, but you must learn to swim, do I not have a rope on you mother, the love in your heart?  Look in your heart mother, who is fastened therein, your darling so you tell me.

46.    In your last letter you said, "with the first things you wrote, love perishes never, with that immediately I stole your heart".  And now see what you really said to your darling, how you are in accord with him in that song, that second song which is for a long time hence.

47.    What does it say? I returned from my travels to you.  That then was already with the first letter.  And, you rejoiced in my arrival, and, we went to our wine house.  That was also in the first letters.  Words are wine, letters the house.

48.    And you said, “In his caresses I was surprised."  For now you are telling me that with the first glass of wine I had already stolen your heart.  And you also said that you accepted it, and yet another glass.

49.    I then stole your heart, but not to my gain, but for your gladness my mother.  What harm is it to me if I do not have a mother?  Yet there is gain for both, but my love is foremost for you.  I can do without a mother, but I would rather not be. 

50.    I am ready to give my love at all cost, even if I have to pay very dearly for it at the cost of my life.  I am ready mother.  And that my mother is not found in an earthly love where everyone cares for himself first.  Or of what good is a son to you whom you cannot reach? 

51.    Your verses to me are beautiful, may it be so.  I shall send you some other letters, namely “Mother and child.” and, “Love to freedom".  My love and that of the Lord be with you to faith, your son Leonard.

 

LETTER 20.  Leonard - March 5-1989 

Mother and child. 

Dear mother.

1.          I will be somewhat lengthy in this to behold how the Lord wishes to be served, and I am going to use the earthly comparison of mother and child as a living example. 

2.          The fruit of a mother is her milk and the son whom she bears, like as the fruit of faith is God's word and His praise spoken in words.  But there are two kinds of fruit, the bottle, and real mother-milk, or a son after God, or a son after man, or, God's word, or man's word. 

3.          Then there is from where, such as of the breast, or milk from a bottle.  For in this lies the question - if the knowledge of God goes straight from the ear out to the mouth, or, if it went through the whole of the body and the soul, after which it comes forth as rich fruit from the breast. 

4.          For is it with the knowledge of God, or of man, with the truth of God, or truth of man.  So comes the question if the child that we as mother bear after God's blessing - after His word, or is it mixed with our own love that does not fit with God's love? 

5.          Thus it becomes important to acknowledge what we bring to birth, for all people, men and women, are like unto mother's that bear forth fruit either good or bad.  I could also use the comparison of a tree, but the one of mother and child is much deeper, more real.

6.          And so my dear mother let us search this out together how all this comes together to become learned in the word of God in which is our salvation and our faith.  If for example, we are asked to expose ourselves on the breast to produce fruit, the meaning is to open our heart and soul. 

7.          And it also points to shame, as in to undress, to show ourselves, the real us.  And this holds in that we ought not to be ashamed for our child, for herein is his food, his very life, meaning, we must not shame ourselves for God's word, but profess our faith openly.

8.          I for example, undressed myself for you, I opened my heart to you, and I dared do so because you are my mother, and I held myself as your child.  And in the second place, this drives towards affections, to the depth of the soul, to bring forth the real us, and our love, to lay the child on us.

9.          Then comes the word "breast," for we can also give him the bottle, but that of course is not real, not motherly, and God demands real love, not fake love.  And it brings intimacy, for the mother feels her child drawing his life from her, as out of her. 

10.     This is something special for the mother, to not only see her child, but also to feel his mouth upon her.  She who has not fed a child that way can hardly imagine what that is like, and how can I, as a man, feel this? 

11.     I can my mother, and have done so in bringing forth fruit to the child of God, He who feeds me - I feed Him in return.  So also did He teach me, this letter is an example, Christ Jesus asks that I feed Him, to bring forth fruit to His name and honor.

12.     This letter then is milk from my own breast, not something from a book, or something learned from others, but God's word within me conformed into mother-milk.  The word and faith of God as water and bread must pass through our bodies to become real milk before it can be of honor to God.

13.     If we eat bread and drink water (that is to say the word and faith of God) and it passes out again as solids and water, then is that of no profit to us.  God desires only mother-milk from the breast, and to undress for it, is part of it.  These fruits alone are the child (Jesus) to his pleasure.  

14.     I mean to give you teaching my mother with so many letters, to draw you to faith, and at the same time to become a real mother.  I do it wholly for you my mother, accept my teaching, understand what I say to you, then you shall truly become a mother. 

15.     This is my meaning with these letters, do not take my words to the flesh.  If you had understood my previous word you would not have said; "You must be in love with your Edith", nor would the very thought of divorce have come to mind. 

16.     For I said to you, "I am spiritually in love with you, not physically." if you cannot understand this, everything will be hopeless my mother.

17.     Let us now search out two things, in the first place, how we can become truly mother and son, and second, how Jesus also as child, lays himself on our bosom as mother.  Line for line my dear woman to understand them, to become alive in you, to become life to you, as He said, "When you place knowledge into them - so you make them alive." 

18.     Therefore my dear mother I want to put as much knowledge in you as I can, that together with faith it will be for life to you, that I may have you for a mother.  I want to see a beautiful crown on your head, to behold you as mother forever.

19.     You spoke of a chisel, I am that chisel mother, the Savior handles me, when He is finished with that chisel, you will love both that chisel and Jesus yet sevenfold more.  Remember my song, I said, "To seek after your love", and, "To fill your breast with the highest good", and, Mother to your child to the highest desire. 

20.     Line after line you shall come to understand and acknowledge why I spoke to you, and what my aim was with each word.  I know what I am doing my mother, I wrote; "with heart and soul I want to be your child," and you cried tears of happiness. 

21.     But we did not really understand what we had said, for this is humanly impossible.  I am not born of you, I was not wrung in your blood, I never drank from your breast, you never fed me with milk, how then can I be truly your son, or you truly my mother?

22.     Do you see this my mother, how this is impossible, that it can only be in name?  And though I said to you, "with heart and soul", I spoke in weakness, for that cannot be. 

23.     And your desire to become a real mother is also impossible, or first I must go into you to be wrung in your blood and be born of you, and you must cry for me, having pain.  Your body must tremble to feel your child; you must have grief to hold me in your arms. 

24.     As midwife you know all this, but also how after the birth the mother rejoices over her child and forgets her sorrow.  How then my dear Anneke can all this come to pass that we may be truly mother and son?

25.     In one of my letters I said; "Now we must find out what mother to son means," do you remember that?  And now I ask you again dear woman, how is it possible?  Not so with man is this possible, but with God all things are possible. 

26.     In your last letter you did not speak the whole truth saying, of grace I know very little, almost nothing, for at this moment you hold a whole letter of God's grace, and how so my dear Anneke?

27.     Was it not your desire to be a real mother to me?  And was it not also my desire to be a real son to you?  While then our desires are impossible to us, not so for God.  He heard us, He saw your heart and mine. And He granted us the grace to bring our desires to reality, and at the same time to make a testimony, to have it shown how His Son gives himself as child to us, and we in return must feed Him.

28.     Contemplate all these things my dear woman that they may pass into you to life.  And what now is the first thing that must occur?  You must be loved to bear a child, and in your desire to your Savior He gave you that love. 

29.     And how did He do so?  In two parts, He uses me as a teacher and a child, and thus came the love in you.  But as it is with earthly love, if God does not give conception, nothing will come of it. 

30.     He then gave conception as you yourself said"; You are me a child of God," and again", The hand of the Lord is here," and", I cannot help it I do love you."  Is this not really so my Anneke, that I am firmly within you?  Attempt to get me out of your heart once, to feel no love for me, how will you do that?  Did you not say, "bound in cuffs?"

31.     And what follows after man giving love to a woman?  You thanked God for me as having received a son, do you remember that?  And what exactly did you do with that?  Consider how the woman kisses her man who has strengthened her to bear a child. 

32.     But still her love for the child is not yet strong, she has not yet seen him, nor has she had sorrow for him.  Nevertheless she is becoming full of him, for did you not also say, "It is on my mind day and night, not for a moment are you out of my thoughts?" 

33.     And this is indeed so, since now I am growing within you, and whatever you do, I am just as fastened to you as you are to me.  "How is it possible, you said, that we are so united?  But mother I need not tell you the secrets of mother and child, God gave His grace as answer to your desire. 

34.     And what is now to occur dear mother?  Your son grew, he became impatient, he kicked you in the stomach, that boy wants to get out.  Or perhaps you are fearful, and rather not bear, but how can you not now bear, for the child is already growing within you.  This is impossible is it not?  You can no longer go back to a time before the day that you kissed God thanking Him.

35.     But your thoughts were on something earthly, as if you had received something earthly.  But therein you are very wrong mother, if you wanted something earthly you should have kissed an earthly man, not (by manner of speaking) thanked God my mother. 

36.     For how long have you been a woman that I must tell you that you will bear unto that unto which you gave yourself?  From a man of the earth you would receive something earthly, but since you kissed your Savior (if so you did) now something in the nature of God lies within you.  And this you better reckon with. 

37.     It really is too late for you my mother, for "he who puts his hand to the plow and looks back, is Me not worthy", so spoke the Lord. You mother laid your hand on the plow, you asked for a son.

38.     And God hearing your prayer strengthened you, so you received what you desired.  It is your own fault, especially since you also thanked God like every woman does to a man that puts life within her, why then shall you now complain my mother? 

39.     I am the fruit of your love; will a mother blame the child within her?  Just as all mothers you must now pass through it, you should not have been so happy with a son of God then you would not have had his troubles.

40.     The first time already in your letters, when you kissed him, you went wrong, for with that honey he was spoiled.  This is what you get when you allure a man and kiss him with honey sweet lips, then you run the chance that he will kiss you back, and wants to taste yet more of you. 

41.     You surely should have known that you were a woman, and that a man desires such.  Spoiled with sweet honey, so he said.  Yes complain if you wish my mother, but you have done it to yourself, to so give yourself to a man that now you must become a mother. 

42.     He wrote, "Spare yourself my mother, it was my love", and, "with love potion", and you led yourself to it", In his love I left myself unto him".  Ta Ta my dear mother, you let yourself be loved by your son.  He indeed looked very lovingly at you, but you allowed yourself to Him, how will you accuse me alone?

43.     Two are required mother, yes two, and you let yourself be caressed, you found His love delicious, you told him that time and time again.  You thought of his love as something most marvelous.  Yes my dear mother, how did you come to this pregnancy while you had no man? 

44.     Do not look at me, there were two sons that came to you with love, and I am the fruit of that love, why then accuse me that I was in love with you?  Yes how so my mother?  I did not say it, but rather He who is mighty to truly make you mother, He spoke to you.

45.      I know nothing of what you accuse me of.  As for me I am here in darkness, accuse Him whom you thanked for me, your own words testify to it as you said; Abby Father to Thee alone I belong, and, Let me be of Thee alone.

46.     And why would you speak thus if it were not so?  Do not expect something earthly my mother, you are tended with life of your loved One, and that life you must bear whether you like it or not, you can do no different.

47.     Do you begin to understand it my Anneke?  Not only child, but also teacher and man, He the teacher, I the man, for again, you must bear two, Master and child, He the Master, I the child, do you understand it my Anneke that the Master asks you, and the child asks of you? 

48.     Understand Him my mother that you may be my mother, and not my grave.  We asked of God what we did not understand, and He gave you a real true son of His love, and yes how glorious to bear God's love rather than an earthly son.  How blessed you are to have a son of your Savior with you, an anointed one wrung in you.

49.     Mary bore the Son of God with her body, and the sword through her heart was in Spirit, in her lay the ruler of all the universe.  But in you is also a ruler, not as Mary, but still given of God. 

50.     Jesus was full grown before He as child came into her, and what do you have in your heart my dear mother?  How does he lay sealed within you?  Love me my mother, bear your child.

51.     And shall we now go further to see how a child comes to earth in comparison to "bear in spirit?"  Humanly impossible, yes, but in God's grace it comes to a greater joy for you. 

52.     I kicked you, I wanted out, I wanted loose from you, for I was already full-grown; "I take back my heart and soul."  But you were not ready, you did not know that I was already full-grown before I came to you. 

53.     That kicking was my voice, "let me out, I am thirsty, it is too dark for me here, I thirst after milk, soften yourself mother, I desire mother-milk, for to that end did I come unto you, to serve my Father. I was impatient, while your time had not yet come.

54.     I said, "Kiss me my mother, feed me, move yourself to me, your arrow has pierced me, lay me to your bosom".  But you did not answer me; thus I kicked yet harder, I did hurt you, that boy definitely wishes to be fed, and only with mother-milk from the breast. 

55.     And what is mothers-milk?  In the first place, it means reality, or truth.  And second, something that goes through a person which is formed within him to living food, rather than that which exits otherwise. 

56.     It can be expressed in two words, faith, and knowledge.  And these again translate to truth and trust in God's word, it is that after, which I sought.  I did not ask for milk from cows, the lines that come from the faith of men, but mother-milk. 

57.     And not mothers-milk in a bottle, which means, copying, like in repeating God's word, reading it and repeating it, no, it must come from the heart, which is as to drink from the breast.

58.     And to give an example thereof, some preachers say; the Bible says, the Bible says, and everywhere where they repeat God's word they mark where that may be found, chapter and verse. 

59.     And why do they do so?  Do they think that God's children are so stupid not to know what is written in God's word?  They do it because they themselves are ignorant in the word of God, for that which the heart is full of, in that it runs over. 

60.     They acknowledge being ignorant as if they must give proof of everything, while the children of God in contrast have the Spirit as proof of truth with them.  Unto these preachers apply the words;

61.     "They think to have life in the scriptures, but know not the Spirit." These vipers my dear mother, give everyone the bottle with false milk, with milk of cows, and with it also they mix their poison, they know not what "breast" means, since they have never been mother.

62.     Do you understand this my darling, or may I not call you my darling?  Give me then another word with which I may express my feelings towards you, or accept it as from the Teacher to you.  It is quite common for a child of God to demand mothers-milk made only from the fruits of his Father. 

63.     These fruits then you must eat my mother, that also the milk may be true food for your child, you must do so if you wish to keep your child alive.  For he knows very well what true milk is, and if something unreal has been added.

64.     Don’t even attempt to feed him a bottle, he will refuse it, and complain for the real thing, and that not in a bottle.  And if you shame yourself for me to uncover yourself, I will die of thirst, yes I will die my mother since you shamed yourself for me.  And what good is a dead child to you?

65.     How long must I wait before you will feed me the real thing from your breast? Just imagine mother how content the child will be after mother's food.  He will smile at you and look at you with his loving eyes, and affection shall stir up in you, and you will press him to you most marvelously as the best thing ever done to you, to feel yourself real mother.  Will you not feed me now my dear mother to make me content?

66.     And now that we have declared mother-milk, let us go back a bit to where the child is still within you and he wishes to come out to seek milk.  What fears go with giving birth, your pains have come, he is ready to come, but you will have to bear pain for Him. 

67.     He must yet pass through your mouth, but it is not large enough, or He is too much for you, He presses, and that hurts.  "Faith" and "milk" O mother from your own mouth - even if I have to cause you great pain I will keep on pressing, I must, for it is to see you alive, or my mother becomes a grave.

68.     You may cry, but if you give up on me, that I am too much for you, then I will cause you yet greater pains, for I wish to see you as mother.  If therefore you wish me to a grave, your sorrow shall yet be much greater for I can be strong, and I do not want you as my grave.

69.     Consider that all that which proceeds between us is spiritual, comparable in the flesh.  Do you understand this my mother?  Be then careful with me, for I feel every move (word) that you make.  Everything you eat or drink, or any move reflects on me, even as you feel everything that I do.

70.     The Lord draws it to reality, in spirit to reality.  You are not yet mother, but you will be, I for me I can do no different but cause you the pain that goes with becoming a mother, because you sinned against God, and this curse He spoke, to bear with pain.

71.     Listen well to your teacher dear mother, soon, when you give birth to your child (acknowledge your child as of God, truly His anointed) your sorrows shall be past, and you shall have a son, truly a son in your arms. 

72.     Sarah received God's promise when she was ninety-nine, when it no longer went with her after the manner of women.  This manner has also passed you, and yet you can bear forth God's promise, for God also loves Gentiles to grant them a prince. 

73.     Sarah bore a ruler to the chosen and Anah a joy to them that were not chosen.  This last line you cannot understand until you give birth.  Believe what I tell you mother.

74.     If you think; this child is too much for me, he asks more than I can give, what can I do about it.  Will you then have me cut out; will you depart from me?  O my mother do not do so, for then you are without child, and you have trespassed the command of God, and you will die to so despise His Son. 

75.     The key is faith; God brought His son to believe on Him, and tries men if their faith is after truth.  A return out of fear is now too late dear mother, for then you should not have kissed him the first time. 

76.     For it was then that he came to love you, and thought to own you to him forever. Do you remember it my mother?  I bound you on your feet, giving you mixed wine in our wine house, remember?  And what my dear mother do I mean with these words? 

77.     If you come to love Jesus, and you kiss Him, He will come to love you, and wants to be born of you, as also Mary bore Him.  And He will give you fruits of His Father which you must swallow, meaning to believe, and this must come to glorious mother-milk within you - to return to Him.

78.     Therefore I said to you that I was both teacher and child.  Or I call Jesus Master, and myself child, to place the two apart, but since Christ uses me as a chisel, a teacher, I often speak as both, or sometimes as one, and again sometimes as the other. 

79.     As a teacher I can say, my darling I am fully in love with you, let me rejoice in your love, for the teacher is like a man.  And as a son I say, I love you my mother, let me to your breast, for I thirst after you. 

80.     Now do you understand it dear mother?  Your tears will become silver bells, a beautiful ornament upon your breast; your faith will not be in vain.

81.     And now let us talk a little on coming through the mouth, for that also is in two that you bring me forth, and feed from the breast.  Both these lay in the mouth.

82.     You bear and feed spiritually, and the child is spiritually, this is not seen with the eyes, but from the heart and soul to the mouth, it is spoken in words. "Words" therefore are important, and how they are arranged, to speak what is right and what

they mean. 

83.     Words are also offerings, and upon all offerings salt is placed, which means strength, and impression, and sharpness of truth.  I use words to move your heart, and you move mine with your words, that is the food that goes from one to the other.

84.     Here is where many people fail, to think that God's word on paper is food to salvation, for this is not so, even as I spoke earlier, God's word on paper is fruit that must first pass through us and become formed into mother-milk. 

85.     And that milk, when we return that to God's Son, then He rejoices over us, and makes us alive, therefore also is the example of mother and child a real living example.  Jesus lays Himself on all people as child, that we may be mother to Him.

86.      His birth in us also testifies thereto, the praise, and faith that He asks is mothers-milk.  If we do not really become mother to Him, He will not accept us.

87.     The Lord then is giving a testimony thereof with you and me, for just as you must bear me in faith, so all persons must bear Jesus in faith, he then who believes not Him, not giving birth to Him, the same will perish. Therefore you must understand that just so you must bear your son, or you will perish. 

88.     The fruits of the paper then are physical, but in the soul of a man they become spiritual mothers-milk, the food which God's child, Jesus, loves, and which also your son Leonard loves. Do you understand it my mother that only milk of your body is acceptable?  And that being mother also means being saved?

89.     Understand it with faith, be not my grave, for what did I say of those who had no breast?  They will be hammered under wood, under boards of cedar never to see God, not to inherit the Son. 

90.     Consider then also to whom you are giving birth, for with him you will receive a name above many others, many shall speak of your birth, how marvelously the Lord worked with you, while you were childless, you became a mother to many. 

91.     For so said the Lord, "The children of those that were childless shall be more than those who gave birth". 

92.     Sing the Lord a praise my mother, He waits on you, He who placed me in you, my Father, Honor Him to whom you gave yourself, and feed also His child, the fruit of your womb.

93.     When Jesus was on the road once and was hungry, there was a tree without fruit, and He cursed the tree.  Here the judgment and the grace of God are proven, the Son would rather forgive, nevertheless we must not forget that without fruit comes judgment. 

94.     And Zacharias when God told him that he was to receive John the Baptist, he for his unbelief became dumb until the circumcision, even though it is written of him that he served God faithfully.  God punishes unbelief.

95.     And so hear me my mother, for like Zacharias, until you give birth to me and afterwards you grant me to the Lord, you will not receive my heart or my soul again.  This is God's command to me for you.  May the grace of the Lord overshadow you.  Your child Leonard. 

 

LETTER 21     Leonard - March 6 1989

LOVE TO FREEDOM. 

Dear mother.

1.          The Lord said, "He who receives you, receives Me, and he that receives Me receives Him that has sent Me, and he who receives a prophet because he is a prophet shall be rewarded like a prophet".

2.          I am not a prophet, but I am called unto the judgment that must soon come.  If then the word of the Lord testifies to that which I say, it being foretold, why do you not believe my testimony mother? 

3.          Either you do not know the scriptures, or you do not trust in God's word.  Do you not know how great your reward will be my dear mother?  Or do you think it the impossible to have a family member accept an anointed? 

4.          Did not Jesus say that a prophet would not be honored by his own family?  But you have been away from us for 35 years, which may be to your advantage.

5.          You mother will be like a camel through the eye of a needle, impossible by men, but not by God, understand this my mother, you must become mother to a prince.  O how fair a crown that will be my mother, rejoice in giving birth to a son, to your Savior, a mother to God's glory.  For this reason was all that writing, your love, my love, your sorrow, and my sorrow.

6.          Imagine if the Queen of Holland visited you, would you treat her as a common?  Imagine then that all princes of the earth visiting you - kissing you as mother, can you imagine that my dearest? 

7.          And yet how small they are, since they rule only for a moment and must die. How much greater thus when an everlasting prince reaches forth his hand to you, consider this my mother.  You called me your dear darling, and it is wonderful that you speak to me thus, but do you understand to whom you are calling dear darling? 

8.          As you ought to know by now I am twins, wherefore when you say it to me you also say it to your Savior Jesus.  Is it than any wonder that He filled you with me, for He loves you even more than I do.

9.          I come in normal clothing, not with royal apparel, but I did show you my ring, the seal of God. Despise not this prince my dear mother.  Peter also came in fishermen clothing, and even the King of all heaven came as a common person. 

10.     If I were to put on a crown, and God's angels accompanied me, would you then believe me my darling?  But would not then faith have lost its value?  And may that be so?  He brings trials upon me, even as He himself bore trial by His Father.  And so He brings all His servants, and especially such for which He has a special purpose.

11.     I say again to you my mother, it is glorious to be so firmly in your heart, I rejoice exceedingly with you around me, and what have I now said to you mother? 

12.     Look closely for just as I feel glorious, so the Lord the Savior feels among us if we really trust in Him. And in like manner His love is affectionate.  In me is portrayed the love of the Lord for His people,

13.     Do you begin to understand it my darling, in my love for you as mother, I play an example of the love of the Savior that He has for all people that love Him. 

14.     Therefore also allow yourself to be spoken to with words of love, affectionate words, more affectionate than a man does for a wife, that I may present an image to serve my Savior like as He asks of me. 

15.     I whisper in your ear; I love you my darling, for you gave yourself to me in love, and you bear my love and returned it again.  Who was it now that spoke mother?  O would that I could speak thus, for while I am only within you I think I could also fall in love with you.

16.     Do you really not know how desirable you are my dear woman?  Just as I am a teacher and a child, in some instances I have to be as a man, or even as a husband to you, so that I may present the love of the Savior, or did you not understand that? 

17.     All things are in a spiritual sense mother, it concerns faith, love, truth, and freedom, the example is the physical comparison, for how else would I make my words strong?  Shall I give an image of what cannot be seen, what people know not?  That would serve little purpose would it not? 

18.     God commanded that salt be put on all offerings, "You are the salt of the earth, and if that loses its strength, it has no value but to be cast away", said Christ.  Shall I then be disobedient to Him, or grieve Him mother?

19.     You who sat so eagerly with my mother to listen to her, and who now listens to her son that is so much like her, lay your ear close to him, he shall whisper.  The Lord the Almighty loved me from birth and granted me wisdom after His word, and taught me many secrets.

20.     And with that knowledge the son teaches you again, he knows more than he says, and if you listen and learn, you shall learn more, things which never entered your mind, glorious things my darling. 

21.     I will try you, for I love you my dear mother honey-sweet woman, my soul adores you, with you I fell in love, to love you, and to give you love.  Look at this line mother and in your next letter write me who it was that spoke to you, who is the last, and who in the first part, and also the how and why. 

22.     And you must consider that I am slow of perception, wherefore you must do it well, is that a pack mother?  For if you do not do this, or not sufficiently, you run the chance that I may come to you to place you over my knee, and that can't even be thought of, a mother over the knee of her son, therefore you must. 

23.     What do you think anyway, that you can be such a delicious woman, and two sons seeking after you and you are not allowing yourself to be caught by them?  Yes this is what you think my dear woman, but you are not getting away that easily, must I tell you that such is not at all womanly to do so? 

24.     You may run a little but not too far, you have to let yourself be caught, you know that don't you dear woman.  Jesus said, "Accept My yoke and learn from Me, for I am kind and humble of heart, and you shall find rest for your souls."  This is what He asked of you in the previous letters.]

25.     Who did ever speak to you as Leonard has?  Who has ever placed himself in such trouble for your soul, do you know a minister perhaps?  Be real honest my mother, what minister has ever placed the yoke of faith before you to elevate your soul? 

26.     Most are in love with themselves, not with your soul mother, with money yes, and to receive vain glory, but whether you live or die they could care less.  Who has ever moved you to really put your trust in God's word?  Tell me my mother.  Who has ever touched your heart as your son Leonard that came to you? 

27.     Speak my mother, answer him to his questions, for who then loves your soul more to your happiness?  Leonard does not do it to gain something from you, but only to gain your soul for his Savior.

28.     How shall he be kept that is in shallow ground surrounded with the carelessness of men?  The answer is, with love.  First love, then replant, but he must be careful that he does not damage the roots, or break them off, lest they dry out. 

29.     I will give you another likeness; If I pull the plant out, it will dry out for its damage, but if I leave a little of the shallow ground, putting a shovel under the roots lifting it thus-way, then I can transplant it. 

30.     And I thought, let it keep the moist and I shall add some strength to it while I transplant it, the strength is love set firm in the heart, so that it may remain green.  And when I saw that it held that strength, then I transplanted the same.

31.     But now it sorrows in the strange ground even though the roots were packed with the old soil, now it must find moist in new soil, the roots must become long and go deep.  But it will come, for he cared for it giving it food (letter after letter). 

32.     And why should he not care for it with love, for it was unto life that he did it, and with Gods blessing, soon, when the summer arrives, it shall bear fruit, good full fruit that he may reap. 

33.     And what shall he do with these fruits, do you know it my mother?  They will remain, for he will give them as first fruits to his God according to the command. 

34.     And why is he not so concerned for that bit of old soil with which he transplanted it?  It is because soon the roots will take deep soil, and she of herself will dry out these old roots, I know it, for He who formed me enabled me.

35.     This was a likeness after a plant, and tell me honestly, write it me, is not the parable of mother and child deeper and richer?  I portray myself as God's Savior who wants to hear your love spoken, mothers-milk is His thirst, He requires the honor from the tongues of men to the glory of the Father.

36.     When He lights a lamp He does not keep it under cover, but in due time sets it on a table.  You spoke concerning my wife and children, but what wife, and what family my mother?  They who perform the will of my Father, these are my wife, children, brother and sister, understand this my mother. 

37.     If you answer with a yes, it must also show in your words or your yes or no real yes. Know then, as I cannot be removed from your heart or my heart from you - likewise I can not be removed from my Savior, nor does He depart from me, with love we are united, and therein have I life. 

38.     In the song you said, "Too strong for me is the strength of his love."  The Lord gave me these words, and did He speak correctly?  Then ask me the second line; "Tell me my son what has been done to your mother in the night". 

39.     Ask me truly and I will give you a marvelous answer.  Do not forget my mother that, what one does not ask for, that also he shall lose. And do you know that as for me I only handed you the wine?  For the love potion was not from me, for where would I find such? 

40.     You were surprised in my affections for you, but your eyes were not all that clear, you did not notice that there was yet another with us.  You say Leonard has missed much love therefore he approaches me, from him is kept what a man needs. 

41.     But this is not all so, for I received a greater love through the years, Leonard does not seek something for himself to gain, or only by way of speaking, but for your sake my mother I kissed you. 

42.     If I really wanted flesh would I not rather have gone to the young maidens, for such wait in line, glorious of figure with soft moist lips, very marvelous to pull a man to his death.

43.     For you my mother, for you I gave my love, behold, your son is old, full-grown, do I really need a mother as if I could not do without?  It is natural for a man to give himself to a woman of old age while so many young ones are available? 

44.     It is a true love of God, a love that does not seek itself first.  Let then that earthly feeling go from you my mother, set your roots in deep ground, I will give you the moist as you ask for. 

45.     The key is in these four words, Love, faith, truth, and freedom.  And in that order do they come, no-one can start with freedom, nor with faith, nor with truth, but with love.  With love the first is step taken, but then it does not just jump to freedom but must pass through faith to truth.

46.     "If you remain in My word, then you shall truly be My disciples, and you shall understand the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  Do you understand this my mother? 

47.     It is the truth that shall set you free, the rule in that order, first love, then faith, and truth before freedom, a freedom such as you cannot imagine until it is yours. 

48.     "This I give you, My peace, not as the world, but "My" peace, be not anxious, nor be afraid."  The Son loves freedom, and it begins with love through faith in truth.  And again said the Son, "When the Son sets you free, you shall truly be free".  But one cannot comprehend these words lest he pass through the first three before it.

49.     The Jews when Jesus said these things answered; "But we are Abraham's children and have never been slaves, how then shall we become free?"  And what do the Gentiles say?  "We are Christians, we go to the church, we love our neighbor and all, how then shall we not be Christian?"

50.     Of the four they confess to have the first, but so said the Lord "Not those who say Lord Lord, but that "do" the will of My Father".  Love has no value without faith. 

51.     You then may call me dear darling and all, but it has little meaning if you do not believe me. For love without trust has lost its value.  After all that I said to you, and yet you say, "no repetition of 1953".  Where then is your trust mother, or understanding?

52.     Jesus said; "If anyone thirst let him come to Me and drink, he who believes in me like the scriptures testify, of him rivers of water shall flow. 

53.     Did you hear this my mother?  You then need no longer ask why I speak so much, to know rivers of water, not common water therefore, but living water my mother.  Your son Leonard.

LETTER 22   Leonard - March 11 1989 

My beloved mother.

1.          No letter from you this week, but I think in myself - she will have received both of my letters by now, and her heart will be grieved.  O my mother how gladly I would say to you this day that I love you, that your sorrow is also my sorrow, but that can not since my dear mother must bear with me in faith. 

2.          Nonetheless I am moved, but again I think, she whose heart I have grieved need not wait long for still more letters that I do not love her any the less.  If a tear falls by you I feel the weight of it clear on the other side of the world, how affectionate thus we are. 

3.          I cannot help it, I expect that once you read that letter "mother and child", that your heart shall rejoice to behold how it may be done as real mother and son. 

4.          We could say that the song was sent too early, but not really, since I wished it to be a testimony for me. 

5.          For again, if you had straightway answered me with faith, I would not have grieved you, but then neither would the salt in our mother and son have its value.  Do not think; I am mother, he the son and the son does not teach the mother, for it is the other way around.

6.          I mediate saying; I know O Lord how much joy there can come of this, how great the rejoicing shall become, I look forward to that my dear mother.  For that reason also I cannot help but feel love for you. 

7.          I have been on that road before, for how else my mother would I be capable for this task as the anointed of the Lord?  If I am not now able, now that the time grows near, how then will I be? 

8.          Did not the Lord send John the Baptist into the desert where He readied him for his task?  Indeed and when the time came God called him, and he did what no-one had ever done before, to baptize with water.  For where is it written in the Law of Moses of baptism with water?  Christ had not yet come, how then did John know that man was to be baptized?

9.          In the last thirty years I have been as in a desert, and alone, you noticed that I had difficulties.  But now behold what these difficulties were, for I had no want of food or drink, or clothing or a home.  What then remains wherein my difficulties were? 

10.     Must I answer it, or can you tell me, if indeed you are my mother you will be able to tell me, and with such words be assured that my love will increase for you.  After your first letter I gave myself to you as a son not to gain something from you, but purely in love for you. 

11.     Calling you mother after so many years - I did not truly as yet feel you as mother, I said mother but felt a woman, but now the woman is becoming a mother.  I asked you how this might be done, us to become mother and son, but you knew not how to put that on the road. 

12.     I however knew since I had traveled that road once before, but to put it into action it had to come of the Lord.  You desired to be more than just the familiar, you longed to be a real mother, but what really does that word entail?

13.     There is much meaning here, you cannot become a mother or of necessity you must receive a son.  This then must become a love that is stronger than what passes between man and wife.

14.     For a wife will leave her husband, but not her child.  She will sooner gives her life or husband, for strong is the bond of love between mother and child. 

15.     Therefore also gives the Savior himself as child to us, in that context as mother and child for an unbreakable love.  And since I once bore that love of becoming mother I know the strength and how marvelous the reality thereof is.

16.     I am keeping you at your word mother; to never let me go, I take it as a promise, do not cut me lose from you like so many mothers that are not worthy the name of mother.  If then you try yourself in faith you can expect a lovely kiss. 

17.     Or if you put yourself strongly against it, it will grieve me, or if you talk around it all - still not answering me, then no weight will be heavier than my heart.  Your child Leonard.

 

LETTER 23   Leonard - March 17 1989

Wisdom

1.          Whatsoever a man asks for - will be given him, and what the world does not ask for - it shall lose.  Those words I had spoken earlier, and I repeat them here to take them to wisdom, for the Lord is great in compassion. 

2.          Whosoever asks - shall be given, and to him that knocks - shall be opened.  Therefore also shall he receive wisdom that asks-for-it, since-the word of God is truth.  He that asks for faith - receives it, for the Lord is faithful. 

3.          But they that do not rely themselves on Him shall not receive what they ask for, since though he asked - he did not really ask, but had his doubt on the Lord.  Asking therefore must be with truth and reliance.

4.          It is my purpose to speak of what the Lord Almighty did to me, the answer He gave me to my question, of her will I speak, she who is fairest on earth, the wisdom of the Lord, which has become my greatest treasure. 

5.          When I was yet young my heart was given to the love of God, but as I grew I went in the way of foolishness until the Lord put (as were it) a wall-before me around which I was not able to proceed. 

6.          He brought me to a stop, to behold myself as in a mirror.  Then I recalled my youth and the words of the Lord.  I read; "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you".

7.          And I took His word for truth with faith, with firm reliance, and it became life to me, I gave myself to learning, to comprehend His word, and to keep His law, accepting His will as law.  This turned into great joy and fulfilling.

8.           Again I read, "My son if indeed you will accept My word and keep My commandments with you so that your ear perceives wisdom, and your heart turns to understanding.  To call to insight, to seek for her like for silver like a hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of Him." 

9.          Thus I called upon the Lord, and gave myself to His word.  "You will have trouble for her for just a little while to test you, but soon she will come to meet you, and richly reward you."  So again spoke the Spirit of wisdom.

10.     And I fell in love with her at her beauty and rewards, and thought to clothe myself with wisdom so beautiful.  I indeed suffered a while, but like a mother she came to meet me.

11.     And now I speak of her with experience as I say; what one does not ask for - that he shall lose, but whosoever asks - shall richly receive her. 

12.     For I asked the Lord, and He gave me that Spirit richly, for I desired her, and searched after her to take her to me, to learn to know her.

13.     I gave myself to her that she would again return to bless me with her riches.  Without faith no-one will seek for her, and whosoever does not trust on the Lord shall not find her.

14.     He who calls to her, to ask after her, must put his heart and feelings at ease, he must let himself be found in her locks.  Whosoever then fears the Lord, who trembles before His might, with him is surely the beginning of wisdom.

15.     That wall, which He placed before me reached into heaven, then the fear of the Lord came upon me, which turned me to the doctrines of wisdom and to life.  How mighty in truth are all the words of the Lord.  "For wisdom shall come into your heart, and understanding shall be a delight for your soul", thus spoke the preacher.

16.     And it is so, all that he spoke is exactly right, and came to experience itself upon me.  For what will it serve a man to behold her words and not to experience them?  Even if he agrees with her, how will that be of service to him - if he does not experience them as well? 

17.     I fell in love with her, she the Spirit of wisdom whom I searched for and received, she who is my companion, the richest treasure ever bestowed on me, her I will praise, and speak of her. 

18.     Solomon received wisdom, she taught him many proverbs, and while she also teaches proverbs in me, it is not in wisdom that one shall copy him who went before him, but rather he shall find something new. 

19.     He shall, as it is written; "bring forth both new and old things out of his treasures."  He will seek for what is not yet written in wisdom, to make her still greater and more exalted.  He who gives himself to wisdom - honors those who went before him, for the wisdom that is of the Lord gives each one his portion. 

20.     It was given Solomon to know the foundations of the earth, how they were made, but he was not to declare them, this was awarded to another after him.  And so the Spirit of wisdom gives everyone his part in his time, as it was ordained for them.

21.      Let us now see how the fruits of faith become food in the souls of men, and how he who lives with wisdom, can bring forth righteousness in truth without it being written.  For the fruits of God's word become food in the Spirit that gives him life. 

22.     I had said, "To try after faith".  And I gave a parable thereof.  How then can I have spoken righteously since it is said; "He who believes shall live, and whoever believes not shall die?" 

23.     Do I then speak against truth - to call "trying for faith" already righteous?  Hear then, for is it not written" "He called, but they would not believe Him, and this was as a judgment to them". 

24.     And again, "They are already condemned because they did not believe."  And now I speak of trying after faith as being righteousness. For again, it is so that not he who tries, but he who obtains after that which he tries will be owner thereof. 

25.     The answer here is that at times I speak in wisdom, and this is one of these, and to define this teaches wisdom and where she may be found.

26.     I said; that is was not written in the scriptures that "to try after" would be righteousness, or at least, when I put that in words I was not aware that it in fact was written.  For later on, going once through the words of Solomon, I found where he spoke of the wisdom saying,

27.     "For to try after her is the right wisdom."  He therefore was ahead of me in this sentiment to declare it righteous.  Solomon therefore comes to me as a witness, while yet though he spoke it before me. 

28.     For herein is the difference which I wish to bring forth, that it is "the Spirit" of wisdom which works in man to teach him knowledge and understanding with or without the scriptures as reliance. 

29.     Then again it is so that She utilizes the scriptures as a trust in honor of those to whom the same was given.  And that which is not in just such words written, but what nonetheless comes after truth, that she gives me to know, that I also may fill my vessel which is granted me of the Father. 

30.     Solomon spoke of trying for wisdom as the right wisdom, while I took it to faith, yet we both speak of the same, since again, faith is only in wisdom, and wisdom only in faith.  Who then shall be wise if he only tries?  Or who shall really believe that makes only a trial of it?

31.     The wisdom of the Lord is very great, and only those who believe can understand my word, and only those who try after wisdom will give themselves to understand my word.  He that perceives that it is not the mouth of a man that is speaking with him, but rather the Spirit of wisdom herself, that he is being spoken to of God, such a one has already given himself upon the right road. 

32.     They that are not of the Lord, neither believe, nor will they try for it, while those who try for her, were already given to do so of the Lord. 

33.     For does not every journey begins with the first step?  And who shall complete his journey on the count of just one step?  He, who does not put himself on his way, will never complete his journey.

34.     That parable that I laid forth of the son of a rich man in love with a poor maiden who did not try herself on his garments, is in truth after the kingdom of God, not spoken of a man, but after the word of God. 

35.     Here we perceive the judgment, as in he who does not try does not believe, and was already under the judgment of unbelief.  To "try after it" thus has much meaning, for here is seen the great compassion of God, as well as the love, and what is in the nature of the man to reach his hand forth to God saying.

36.     Help me to trust in Thee O Lord, in weakness I lie in ignorance, but to Thee I call with all my heart.  For behold how lovely this is that he gives himself to God, yes this is very lovely that we ask after Him with truth in reality of heart, to humbly rely ourselves on His word, to seek His help.

37.     "To try after it", is the same as to give oneself on the journey with the first step, for he who tries will be helped, like as it is written, "What Father when his son asks him for a fish will give him a serpent?" 

38.     If therefore men those that are evil know how to do good things to their children, how much more shall not the Lord give good things to those that are His?  Therefore also to try for faith is simultaneous with being helped.

39.     For again; "If the Lord is for us to help us, who will not complete his journey?"  Is it not written; “What My Father has given me is all things greater to, and no-one can take anything from My Father's hand?"

40.     Therefore it was with Her - who was in me, in wisdom, that I said; try for faith and under-standing of my words, while I was unaware that Solomon was ahead of me in this. For with or without his word, I would have defended the righteousness thereof, just as I spoke of the fruits of the scriptures.

41.     For neither my life nor my understanding lies in the scriptures, but in the Spirit of wisdom that lives within me.  The scriptures therefore serve me as witness, both to what is given me to insight, as well as for testimony to others. 

42.     I said that I had fallen in love with her, with the wisdom of God.  Her I have loved from the day that the Lord placed that high wall before me when He took my labors from me, and withheld the food of my mouth, making my life so undesirable that with all earnest I begged Him to take it from me. 

43.     In the depth of my sorrow He gave me to drink from the most bitter of fruits.  He withheld me from my foolishness, He kept me from sins to damnation that departs from salvation, for like as He said; "Who shall take that which is Mine out of My hand?"

44.     The Lord cemented me in so that I was unable to go forward or back, or to any side, His mighty hand held me back, and I gave myself into His might, and while I had to suffer to gain wisdom, she became to me the fairest and riches treasure. 

45.     And now that she lives with me, she rejoices in me, and I feel her love, with her I found my greatest happiness, I love her like a mother who feeds me daily from the riches of her breast. 

46.     Upon her breast I am enchanted with joy, she is eternal rest and life to me.  And also as a friend to God, even as the Preacher said, "In all ages she enters the holy ones and makes them friends and prophets of God".  She is my rest and support, she is the word in my mouth, and the thoughts of my mind, she is the love in my heart, and the compassion of my soul, with her I go upon the ways to see where education may be lacking. 

47.     And shall I now pronounce to have found wisdom and taken her as my mother?  I can speak in that manner, but wisdom is like the sand on the sea, and from her endlessness thereof I have only a grain, just a grain of sand from a sea without end. 

48.     How then shall I have her to me as mother and wife?  Nor did I find her, but as also the Preacher said; "She meets him, and gives herself known to those who love her, she goes about to seek who is worthy of her, and meets him gladly on the way, yea she looks for him to meet him." 

49.     How then have I her who is endless, she whom I continually seek to take her to me, for still I seek her as if I had not yet found her, while yet she lives with me.  She is as the sand of the sea, and a grain thereof is unto me.   And how did I find her, the fairest of all women?  He who gladly lets himself be taught, by him is certainly the beginning of wisdom, for thus did I come to know her.

50.     And that doctrine has become a thirst, which cannot be quenched, for now that I have tasted of her beauty, I continually thirst for more, and from this I will raise a proverb. 

51.     Whosoever taste's of wisdom acquires desire, and whose desire is unquenchable - has tasted her well. 

52.     And to speak in comparison so that one may not take me wrongly, wisdom is given to all the children of God, as also the preacher said; "God does not love anyone except they remain with wisdom.  And again, "He who obtains wisdom - obtains life, and he who has life - has salvation". 

53.     How then is it that I speak of wisdom and go into her depths, while there are so many who do not go to this depth yet though have wisdom as children of God? 

54.     The answer is in the wisdom of God, in the full endless sea of His wisdom of which we have only a grain in comprehending.  He gives in measure unto all His children, faith as well as wisdom as He thinks good.  One more than the other according as He created them.

55.     He gave Solomon wisdom like none before him, for he was a prince of the Lord, a ruler of the children of God to lead them to wisdom, and also after him it states "there shall be no one like him". 

56.     While then it is written of me that to me would be given sevenfold wisdom and knowledge, yet shall I not be his equal, for God's word cannot be broken.  And while I am one with him on the earth to which the Lord revealed the powers of His creation, it was given me to proclaim them, while it was not so given to him. 

57.     Nonetheless, he is like a high mountain to me as a prince of the chosen, and that, which falls from the table that which does not serve for heavenly food is given me to rule as prince.

58.     We must then also consider this, seeing how God grants the lowly ones of His creation sevenfold wisdom, how much greater will not that be which is honorable? 

59.     For here I compared myself with the lights of the Lord, if then I compare myself with the multitude of men beholding their insight and the works of their hand, then they are little.  And why is this so? 

60.     Shall it be because the understanding given me is so great?  No, not at all so, for it is but a grain, like.  But herein must be seen not how high He formed me, but sooner how lowly, or how small the understanding is of men who rejoice in what is earthly.  Not I am- wise, but he who does not take to God has no understanding, herein is the comparison.

61.     But now I say again, I too am a man, and death looks into my eyes also, she will put me to the test, and it will be given her. 

62.     And so I shall speak in wisdom, for I am on the earth as a man, and yet not a man.  For she who came within me turning my insides out, changing the furniture of my house, she took this from me.

63.     And so now I lament with Agur; "I have neither the mind of man, nor have I learned wisdom that I should know the Most High, in short; I am neither man, nor as God, in what way then shall I call to myself?

64.     All things are strange to me, this is not my home, this is a pain in me that He did not clothe me as a man, nor have I reached what is on high.  Therefore did I come to despise life, like as also the preacher so truthfully spoke, that all things under the sun are vanity.

65.     Even the wisdom, She who is most dear and fairest, even she appears as vanity, since she is not counted among men.  Wisdom is all that is said of her and much more, for she is unreachable.  With her I received insight into hidden words.

66.     For although men make their sentences with all cunning, she reveals to me the secrets thereof.  Though man puts himself for as most holy, with her I see through them as through glass. 

67.     And again like the preacher said; "What in certain times will be done, and how it will be in hours yet to come, that she gives me to understand.  With her I received understanding to the cunning in the works of man.

68.     The day of judgment is at hand, and He brought me, as the beginning thereof, for the Lord is very merciful, He does not strike without reason, but gives men room to repentance.  He places judgment in distance of time, as He did to the Egyptians likewise, sign after sign giving them room to repentance. 

69.     She teaches me what I must speak, and the service thereof; He brought me as a first-gift, a beginning of the end.  But who will understand or acknowledge that the end must come with a beginning?  The foolish look to the Day of Judgment as if it is yet far away, not yet to worry themselves for it.

70.     This is great folly that they do not realize how they carry their day of judgment daily with them, for it is daily with everyone.  As soon as one dies, he shall awaken at the day of judgment.

71.     Therefore is it continually with every person, it lies at every corner, at any hour of the day.  He therefore that does not repent, has already reached the day judgment.  For on that day he will be awakened, and judgment will be strapped upon him so that he dies, this is the second death, the true death.

72.     All this he considers and perceives, he who strengthens himself with wisdom, but a fool despises wisdom as if she is trying to put him in chains, or to rob him of the pleasure of life, these do not acknowledge the glory nor the life that comes with her.

73.     Wisdom is like a mother, whosoever loves her, are as children at her breast drinking their life from her, that glorious food full of goodness.  And we also are as a mother to Him who grants His Spirit within us to bear Him in faith, and to return to Him the milk from our breast. 

74.     For no bond of love is stronger than of mother and child, and He gives himself as both mother and child to all that are given Him to make them as mother and child, wherein then all who honor Him become one Spirit with Him. 

75.     He that does not search with wisdom - shall neither find the breast, and they that do not labor with understanding - shall not put on breasts as a mother to again feed Him.

76.     It was given me to format a living example of mother and child, a worthy testimony in truth, he who takes it to heart to live accordingly, has given himself on the right road.  And he who gives himself to the proverbs of wisdom - shall find life, for in them the will of the Lord is given, and how man is to live accordingly, they are the rules of life.

77.     Now, at the end of this speech, I am attracted to the words of my mother how she spoke to me with her words that made a deep impression on me.  For she was my mother, and her word has great value, so then she said.

78.     "What my son shall I say to you, yes what son of my bosom?  Do not give your strength to women, to her who destroys kings."  The admonition of my mother, of my beloved mother on whose bosom I came as a promise, she gives me right admonition. 

79.     Therefore also do I love her so much, with her breast she feeds me from the goodness of her body. "It does not fit kings" my darling, so spoke she to me, with justice you must judge my son.  "It does not become you as prince to drink strong drinks to lessen your cunning, you are me a son of my Father. 

80.     You give me right admonition my mother, keep me my mother from the desires that grew with you in me after the beauty of women which is strong as death, for O how very much I love women. Like as love is, so is desire, like wisdom, so also strength, in you increased the desire for what is fair, the beauty of the Lord. 

81.     This power I must control for the sake of my throne. How very unique your reasoning O mother, how well thought - the admonition to your son, your son loves you O mother, he loves you very much.

LETTER 24    Leonard - March 13 1989

A COMMENTARY

1.          At this moment I have the feeling that my mother as an example of faith may be lost, that instead she will become an example typical of the Gentiles as they worship the wood of the cross instead of Him who died thereon.

2.          I am deeply hurt, and so I thought to write a commentary, to review the love of mother and son.  What may be the state of mind of Anah and her true love?  How true is her love for the Son of God, and how strong her faith in Him? 

3.          Great multitudes of the Gentiles go to church faithfully, and are kind to neighbors, and actually conceive that they shall enter God's eternal rest, but when tested of their faith they instantly demonstrate how they do not know God nor Christ.

4.          For what is it to know God, or Christ His Son?  Has anyone ever seen Him to say; this is God?  Or shall He be an image that we project of Him in our hearts and minds?  What is it to know God?

5.          The answer ought to be simple, for since we have only His word as visual presentation, it are those who keep and rely on His word that know God.  Only those who truthfully believe and keep all His word shall know the God who is God, all other presentations or images are idols of their own imagination. 

6.          Anah received the son with joy, she was glad to become mother to him, which is simultaneous with being saved.  The Lord then having compassion on Anah (Gentiles) placed His yoke before her so that indeed they might become a mother to Him. 

7.          But right here is where the multitude that conceive to enter life fail to obtain it, they must pass the test of faith, which is simultaneous with love, and thus let us behold Anah in love.

8.          She was overjoyed in her son and began to love him for the loving words he spoke to her, but she did not think much of his words of faith as being truth.  And rather than confronting him, she passed over them as if he had never spoken them to her.

9.          For just so the Gentiles do with the word of God not pleasing to their ears.  The point here is, that they are not honest, they are not forthright to confront the truth, they have no answer, and give it the silent treatment hoping perhaps it will go away.

10.     The son then in order to get Anah to meditate, pressed upon the point, for it is with good reason that the law specified only such animals fit which chew the cud, meaning to meditate. 

11.     For how in fact will Anah come to understand if she does not confront to debate the issue?  And aside of  "to chew the cud", it also must split the hoof, but most are too deeply inclined to earthly desires to live for any heavenly stakes. 

12.     If there is true love, meaning, love from God, she would naturally try for the faith, but an earthly love labors in vain.  For love, though it is single, can be defined two ways, the love that places the other first, and the love that is foremost for itself. 

13.     Does Anah then indeed love me as she says - calling me darling and that nothing on earth is more dear to her?  If indeed she does, why then does she not speak to me to my face? 

14.     To my face she says; I love you, but behind my back she calls me a fool, one sick in mind.  For why is it that she does not respond to my birth, the very essence of my being?  Is she ashamed of such faith, or she simply does not believe such folly, considering it mere stupidity?

15.     How very much I loved her to become her son, but in her rejection I have removed the arrow.  It was so prophesied that the Gentiles would worship a piece of wood, the cross only.  Anah is the one who needs help not the Son. 

16.     Anah is the one who does not believe the Son, the word of God, for the son is the word of God, yet in her conceit and ill faith she will direct the Son of God to look for help.  Consequently nothing good comes of her words because she does not rely herself on the word of God. 

17.     The multitudes of the Gentiles call me darling, but at the same time they will teach me that the word of God is not to be held with faith or to be trusted, that instead their imagination excels all the truth of God.

18.     Anah conceives to love God and prepares a song, but what is it that she writes?  Unto Thee alone I belong O Lord, let me be of Thee alone.  This is not in good taste, for consider what has expired, and how the song is for the son, but where is the son in the song? 

19.     She desires a son, but her words exclude him altogether, why then sent it to him?  In it does she ask God for a son, or does she thank Him for motherhood?  No she does not, but a love that seeks itself foremost is parlayed.

20.     I now have not closed the door, not for Anneke nor for Anah in her multitude, but how few will accept me?  How few will leave the wood of the cross to instead worship the Savior?

21.     I shall await and see, I ponder how sad if this testimony must end so soon, I wished to say so much more yet, and so I wait.

 

LETTER 25      Leonard - March 19 1989

IN SEARCH FOR A WIFE.

To my beloved mother

1.          In order to complete my testimony that I wished to fulfill I must speak of man as - man and woman, and of mother as - mother and wife, and of the Lord our husband, and how He has taken us as His children and as mother and wife to Himself. 

2.          I had hoped together with Anah to be a living example thereto, but now I am left to complete this on my own, thus I will simply relate what has happened and what my aim was. 

3.          As a man born of a woman I desire again to be united with her with whom I was one body and blood, thus I took a wife from among the children of men and gave her my love and devotion. 

4.          But her desire went foremost to herself, and for herself she loved me. I taught her my precepts, but she would not hear of them.  And though I was with her for a long while she would not exercise herself to understand her husband, nor accept my Fathers instructions that came with me, but scorned and ridiculed them.

5.          She therefore grieved me greatly, for so I thought, how will I bring her to my Father when she refuses to know me and scorns my Father's instructions?  When I go to my Father she cannot come with me, neither can she live with me at my Father's house; I will have to depart from her. 

6.          But she is my wife, and I made a vow that cannot be broken.  I therefore consented to abide with her until death do us part, and I will look for another which I may present at my side before my Father, one who will not scorn my Father's instructions. 

7.          But one who will love me with an everlasting love, a love that does not seek itself first and only, but who will love me more than herself.  I thought to have a bond that cannot be broken, a love stronger than all. 

8.          And a plan was given me by which to secure such a one for wife into everlasting.  And so I though, what is stronger than the bond of a mother and son? 

9.          Indeed, for her child is formed within her of her own blood, he is flesh of her flesh, at her breast she offered him his pleasure, giving of herself to him without asking anything in return.

10.     Thus I thought, I shall find me a woman fair of complexion, comely of stature, and with a heart to love.  And I shall give myself to her as her child, as a beloved son that she may bear me, to give birth to me and feed me from her breast. 

11.     Then I shall become man in her sight and take her, my mother for wife, for thus I will have her love as mother and wife, an unbreakable love that is without blemish, having borne me within her. 

12.     And I in returning to her shall be as one returning to his own flesh and blood in the imperishable bond wherein I was wrought, and which we shared as mother and child.  Accordingly, I shall have my highest desire, for a wife will leave her man for the kisses of another, but a mother is not to be kissed to forfeit her son, the child of her womb.

13.     So then I thought, I am fully grown, how shall I again enter the womb to be born of her? Seeing therefore how I was a son with my Father's instructions, I meditated that if I place this yoke of my Father upon her, that the same may be conceived as strength within her, it will be within her as were it the child, even me. 

14.     Thus she will bear my Father's instructions as were it me, since we are one the same, and she will be a mother to me, and I will drink of her breast rejoicing. And so I reasoned further, if she will indeed love the strength conceived within her, her love to me will be all that much greater, for the conception are the instructions of my Father wherein I will be within her as a child of my own Father. 

15.     And she loving the Father of her child, she will love the child all that much more, yea her soul will thrill from the love which she will have for me, being aflame in her.  Her affection and desire shall be moving to me, for unto such love is my desire. 

16.     And as fruit of my Father, the milk at her breast shall be from His fruits, the fruit and milk with which I was brought up.  And my Father also will love her very much that she bore His child to Him.

17.     Then I shall not be ashamed to bring her with me before my Father, and He will crown her and give her as queen unto me, and grant our abiding in His holy house.  And she shall be glorious in my eyes, and everyone shall call me blessed.

18.     Solomon was a wise man, and had to himself a thousand of the most beautiful delights of man.  And I beholding him, came to behold that he had neither what I searched for namely - the woman that is unique, one who is more than a thousand, for whom I will trade ten thousand and more. 

19.     For so spoke my friend, "I must built a house outside of the city of my God." And so I reasoned, she whom I currently have to wife cannot reside in the city of my God. 

20.     Thus seeing this I said, all these my dear brother were also until parted.  And the Lord giving wisdom to me also, I began to perceive why Solomon loved so many delights of his heart, it was the wisdom that reaches thereto. 

21.     For I likewise found how beauty enlarges with wisdom and delight increases with the understanding thereof. For all things beautiful and desirable are of the Lord, and wisdom leads a man therein. 

22.     O my friend your wisdom led you to heights in what is most desirable, but this same beauty also heightens the weakness thereto. This then is the one weakness that kings have, and against which they must guard themselves.  For women are to the king, and the king's desire is in them, for he is a king, and these his realm.  O how lovely she is - the companion of man. O how very lovely indeed, the delight of such beauty. 

23.     That one then, the woman more than a thousand, her I seek to gain for wife, the one that shall be a fair light in my Father's house, glorious to everyone who shall see her.

24.     Where then shall I find such a woman, to whom shall I go?  One has rejected me, and I let her from me, and I gave myself up for adoption, a king seeking a queen.  I gave myself to Anna in Anah, in the multitudes of Gentiles. At first she received me, and I rejoiced at the prospect of taking her to wife, the one more than a thousand.  But when I placed my yoke before her she treated me with disrespect, and when I confronted her, I received no answer.

25.     What now am I to do with Anah?  I will wait just a while longer if perhaps it will grieve her, and yet reach for my yoke to put it on, then I will rejoice and work with her to make her my very own.

26.     But wait not too long my dear woman, and do not take to slander, nor misuse of my trust, for in these things my heart will be turned from you, and I shall not want you for wife.  For likewise did she who was my first, and I cast her from me, I left her to be taken by death to free me of her. 

27.     Not again will I do so, she whom I seek now will be both mother and wife, and I will certify myself of her love and intentions before I shall pronounce a vow.  She that will not bear my yoke will not be mine; she that will not bring me to birth within her shall not enter into my Father's house.

28.     And thus what am I to do with Anah?  I shall await her responds, she has yet a little while, and if not, I shall go and search for another to place my yoke before her if perhaps I may find one that is lovingly waiting to bear my yoke, or that has already placed it upon her from the love of my Father.

29.     And she, when she bears me with the love of my Father, her I shall love with all my heart and soul, and give myself to her in fullness.  She will be crowned as my queen, and be most gloriously arrayed.  She will be mother to nations and wife to her beloved. 

30.     For thus spoke the Father; "I will take one and he shall be for shade, I shall plant him within My Beloved, and to him will come the beasts of the forest and the birds of the air.  I have spoken and I will do so.

31.     How blessed therefore you shall be O my love in my Father's house as mother to nations, children without number to you.  Who would not desire such honor?  What woman would not be overjoyed to be mother and wife to one beloved of the Lord? 

32.     Who then shall she be?  And where shall I find her?  It was in Sarah that my love was from the beginning, and now that Anah, my adopted mother, also is bound on rejecting me, I know what I will do.  I will go to the chosen in Sarah, to the delight of Israel, and there I will search to find the love of my Father to me in my bosom.  Look for me my beloved, withhold not yourself from me, be not shy, for I will search until I have found you, that I may be made whole within you.

33.     Let me define this for you my love, how you being my mother, you will give yourself to me for wife, I shall explain it to you. How my mother will I find a woman to kiss me with lips as sweet as yours, with the honey of the lips with which I was spoiled? 

34.     If I were to kiss another, to taste hers, I would be comparing her honey to yours, and thus not find them as tasteful and long for yours my mother, and that while in the arms of another.  And how my mother shall that be fair to her?

35.     And at her breast, who will feed me with the milk with which I was brought up and spoiled unto you?  I shall be at her breast and not taste my desire, and thus again long for you O my mother, and would I not thus again be unfair to her? 

36.     And you also my mother, whom is more dear to you than your son?  To whom is the longing of your heart if not to him whom you bore forth with pain?  For he was special to you, yea an only man and child, a gift of your Father holy to you. In your heart he is a marvel of His compassion, you came to love him with all that is in you, being in love with him.

37.     Yea, as mother you fell in love with your son, a child of your womb, kissing him affectionately with your mouth.  Is that then usual for mothers, my mother? 

38.     You considered your womb precious and holy to Him, what love therefore is left in you with which you might love another?  When he embraces you, you rejoice in his arms, and when he kisses you, it thrills you. 

39.     You hold him as dear to you as your life, and as the joy of your heart.  And so allow me to compare if at all you could belong to another.

40.     From your well rounded form came what was most dear to you, how then will you stand before another?  How my mother will you allow yourself to him?  You will think, from this form came my beloved who is holy to me, and shall I now let it be defiled by another? 

41.     I gave myself holy to my son, the son of my Father, how shall I now let it to another, it to become no longer holy to my beloved?  You will feel chills and step back my dear mother not wishing to uncover your well rounded form for another lest you should become less desirable of your son. 

42.     How then my mother will you become wife to another?   You uncovered your breast for your son, from you he took his food so dear to him, you did not shame yourself for your son so that he might live on you. 

43.     He beheld your shame and loved you for it, and knew you well at your breast, you felt His life flowing within you.  His mouth lovingly caressed you, wherefore your breast became dear to you -, as were they the life and hips of your son.  This therefore being so, how will you expose yourself to another?  It will not be in you to do so.

44.     And also your lips, the moist of your lips with which you kissed your son to heavenly rejoicing, for which He loved you so much, and time and time returned.  And you granted Him His wish to taste of your sweet lips, and each time as he kissed you, you exulted in his sweetness. You are always ready to give him your lips to taste of your honey as he desires. 

45.     If then another will kiss you, it would not be as you are used to, nor would you feel the exulting.  Instead, you would recall your son while in the arms of another, and feel yourself not fair to him.

46.     Or if another came to taste of your lips, you would think; No, for I would harm my son and myself if I thus let myself be kissed by another, to grant him my honey, for what then will I have for my son when he comes? 

47.     And if he perceives that another has touched my lips so dear to him he might despise me and no longer would I be kissed of my son to bring me to exulting.  So you see my mother how you would safeguard your lips from another, for you too rejoice in the highest love and exultation in what is most desirable.

48.     No my mother I cannot give myself to another, for to you is my desire.  Nor can you, for as you discovered by bearing the son of your Father, you were mated to him as his very own body and soul. 

49.     And what then my dear mother, shall you remain alone without a man?  And I your son without my beloved woman?  Flow into my arms O my mother, in the arms of the man from whom you were made, from where you were fed, and in whom you rejoice.

50.     Kiss me affectionately O lovely woman, I shall wed you as wife now and forever, thus you will be mother and wife to me forever. 

51.     I sought an unbreakable love, a woman who would be holy wed to me, and I have found her in you, she who is me more than a thousand others.

52.     And our Father who formed us shall rejoice over us forever, and richly bless us.  O my lovely mother how gloriously you became unto me.

 

LETTER 26                  Leonard - March 23 1989

CHEST PAINS.  (Sent March 25)

1.          How weak and tired I am this day for all the thoughts that passed through me, I tried to understand how it is that I am pained while though I am the child. 

2.          My thoughts tell me, my mother shows no love to leave me so quickly, and where the love is small there the pain is little, and why then do I suffer so much while she cares not for me? O how much I love that woman, how very much indeed, but my love is not returned

3.          I thought I was the child and she the mother, and accordingly it is the mother who should have the pains. Why then do I suffer so much for her?

4.           I suffer as one nailed to a cross, and given bitterness to drink. It is my love that causes me these pains, love of the heart, the heart that loves her, suffering for her unbelief. O my dear woman, you who said you would be mother and took a child in your arms, how long can a child abide without food or drink?

5.          Why did you refuse your breast to him?  When in pain I censured you, then you cast me away from your arms altogether, leaving me to die.  Why O my hoped for mother are you leaving me to die? 

6.          At first I said she does not know, ignorance has a hold of her, but now what shall I conclude if not a lack of love?  The love of a mother for her child is that be he good or bad she nonetheless feeds him, she does not leave him to die of thirst. 

7.          But you O my mother, you are starving your child to death, you are not being a mother. I am dying O my love, I am dying of you, and there is nothing to do since I kept myself as a child.

8.           Let me then speak my heart, let me lament for my pains.  It are six days O my mother, and in the seventh or on the eight, if you will lift me up, I will no more be a son but a lifeless body to you. 

9.          Three periods, as in three letters I begged for compassion, for support, for mother to feed me, to grant me her word, but she gave me no word.  O how I felt that pain, in love I gave myself as child in her arms, because she asked for reality, and I loved her very much for that sentiment.

10.     Therefore did I put my birth before her that she might carry it to become a mother.  For how else shall she be a mother to me, a beloved woman, if she does not accept my birth within her?

11.      I expected an opposition for that conception in her, but her silence I did not expect, that accursed silence as heavy as lead.  And so I spoke to her again, and it became a strong voice which I had not meant it to be.

12.     But then I received nothing, nor even her arms.  When I censured her I thought, Surely now she will put me to her, even if it is only a bottle, at least something, so at least I can reason with her, to talk, to seek a solution.

13.     Speak to me a word O my mother and I will forgive that silence quicker than you can blink your eyes, for I long for love and for unity more than I can say. 

14.     Why did you serve me with still more silence?  I sooner expected you to say; sorry my child I had not meant to hurt you, but I was without food, I knew not what to say of such things, they are strange to me, difficult to believe. 

15.     O my mother if only you had said that, we could have reasoned.  Instead she shamed herself for me, angry at my censuring her.

16.     She did what no loving mother does, casting her child from her arms, depriving him of his food, aborting him, cutting him off.  And what had I done to deserve this?  Did you not ask me saying, I want to be a mother to you, but I know not how, and so tell me my child, tell me everything. 

17.     And I loved her so much for these words and told her what was needed, how it might come about.  But my mother, the woman I loved so much, did not like these words.

18.     I began to reason - my mother does she know it, soon it will be too late, if not now she takes me in her arms, it will be in vain, I will be lifeless to her.  O my mother what will now become of your promise - never to let him go, did you mean that my dearest? 

19.     How terrible as child to die from its mother, how terrible to be nailed to a cross for her whom one loves so much, to suffer so much pain.