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LETTER 1 (Leonard - Oct. 28 1988).

Dear mother.

1.        Many things pass, but love remains always.  And now that I have been able to locate your address I do not wish to wait any longer in writing you this letter.  I am Leonard, the oldest son of Abraham Van Zanten. 

2.        I remember how much fun we used to have with you, when I and my brothers and sisters were yet little.  I remember new years-eve in the middle of the night eating fried treats and throwing snowballs, and you pulled us on a sled.

3.        It is not my meaning to open old wounds, but for many years I have wished to say to you how much we, or at least I cared for you, and loved you. 

4.        After Apr six months to a year, when you were no longer with us, I was in Hillegom once and saw you passing by on the bicycle, but by the time I got to my bicycle, and had gone after you, my search was in vain. 

5.        I still remember that day as were it the day of yesterday, I was much grieved in not being able to find you at that time, for I wished so much to speak with you.  And I wished for another occasion to run into you, but when I was 19 years of age I went to the USA which is now some 32 years ago. 

6.        I have been back several times but during these short periods I did not think to search for you.  But if God will open a door to me next year or so, I would very much like to see you, and speak with you.

7.        It is difficult for me to write in Dutch.  I received a letter from Ron Veldhuizen Van Zanten.  He is putting together a family tree, and when I saw your name in it I asked him if perhaps he knew where you lived, or have an address, since no one else knew.

8.        This man did very much for me, he reported that he had to make eleven phone calls to find your address, and I am very happy with it.  He reported that apparently no one of us kept contact with you, and this I consider a shame.

9.        I wish you health, and may the Lord keep you, with much love, your oldest son Leendert.  (Or Leonard).

 

LETTER 2   Ann - Nov 3 1988

Dear Leen.

1.        What a surprise this morning to receive your letter, I thought it was a dream, but no it was really so.  I have often longed for all of you, for I cared very much.  And if on Sept 1953 the door had not been locked after I had picked up the potatoes for that day, I would never have left of my own accord. 

2.        Too bad it had to be that way, I was much grieved for some time, yet I had a good life, ten years in Amsterdam as midwife, six in Wolfheze, Bennekom, and in Oosterbeek, and now I am twenty one and a half years in 'tHofje van Staats.

3.        What a marvelous idea from you to write me, and I hope to yet see you someday in real life.  From Uncle Jacob and Aunt Lida I had heard that you had gone to your uncle in California. 

4.        From her I heard (for I come there now and then) that Gerry had a baby, and so I got her address and wrote her, but I got no reply.  Then I thought that not one of you wished any contact with me.  And now your letter, very much thanks for it. 

5.        I think it so kind of you to think of me, and also thanks for the pictures which you enclosed, I think you have a nice wife, she is pretty so to see in the picture, and in the children I see the resemblance.  I hope that I may hear from you soon, and I will write you right back.  At the same time it is good for you to refresh your Dutch, it is after all your mother's tongue. 

6.        I want to tell you that I cared very much for your mother, I spoke much with her when she was sick, in that small building outside also.  And that last night when I watched by her bed she asked me if I would care for her children.

7.        Leen, you are a darling that you wrote me such a fine letter, very much thanks, and greetings, especially for your wife and children, and for you a big kiss from Anneke.

 

LETTER 3  Leonard - Nov 27 1988

Dear mother.

1.        What the world does not ask for - that also it shall lose, but I have gained you in a love that is near to my heart. 

2.        I was overjoyed to receive your letter and if I am a darling, you so much more.  I have to let this work in a bit that after all those years I really heard from you, and that you have not forgotten us, but rather care much. 

3.        What hardship one person will do to another.  And yes, I can understand how much sorrow it must have been for you, first that divorce, then Gerry not giving you an answer, which was still worse.  For then you must think, "They want nothing to do with me, and, what have I done, or not done, and is there no forgiving?

4.        But as far as the law of God is concerned, and for me, there is no such thing as divorce, and though the law's of men may grant divorce it is nothing before God.  You therefore are still my mother first and foremost, except for her who has been laid to rest with Jesus. 

5.        I do not recognize the divorce of my father, it was unlawful.  And with all my heart I will always call you my mother, for thus you are before God, and me.  And he who does not love his mother with heart and soul -what sort of person shall he be?  But I am your adopted son with heart and soul.

6.        You spoke much with mother, and thus you know that she was a child of God, and God gave her a son to follow her, for true faith does not doubt, but remains firm in love.  It grieves me that not one of the others thought much about contacting you. 

7.        And then, what would it have been if it hadn’t come from the heart?  I am far from you, and had to find you through a stranger, and I will not let you go until I may embrace you.

8.        It is a bit strange and difficult to believe that at last I still have a mother alive and well.  I suppose you know that father married again, her name is Stien, she lives in the house behind the farm.

9.        And though she is not really a mother as you are to me, still I care for her, but more like a friend.  But you I love you with my heart, even though I have not seen you for years.  It is as I said last time, that; “all things pass but love never". 

10.      And that which I felt for you as a child has only become stronger through the years.  Therefore also my heart reaches out for you to hear your voice even if it is only on paper, like a golden reward in the grace of God.

11.      He that is hard holds himself back, ashamed for what he should not shame himself, but I will show my feelings, for that with which the heart is full of, thereof the mouth runs over.  Or how will a child hide anything from his mother? 

12.      Let me be a child and win hearts, for there is nothing on earth that I rather have than to love one another.  But what I say to you, I do not say to all, to a mother I may speak thus-wise.

13.      I can feel what this is like, to think, "Why don't they want anything to do with me?  They have another, and have forgotten me, they were only children, and the time was short, yet I would so much like to hear of them. 

14.      Myself I think; we were such rascals, and why did it have to be so easy, that divorce and all?  I was very determined to talk with you, for I just could not put it through my childish head that-you would not return.

15.      When mother died, I did not doubt for a moment that she at last had found rest, and in that respect I was glad for her.  But my question to my father came to nothing, and how was I to find you by myself? 

16.      For as a child the head is easily confused, and the thought that you did not want us sort of healed the wound, but never completely.  But like you said; it had to be.  But whether you never had any children of your own, you now have a son, and in love, and I a mother after many long years.

17.      But I shall recount to you what has happen in those times.  Afterwards when father again wished to marry, she treated me wrongly, and did not win me over, but instead turned me off.  This now happened already before the wedding, and when that day came (the time for all to go) I refused to go along being still dressed in my work clothes.  Well I sure got it that time from my father, on my butt that is, and I was forced to go along. 

18.      But anyway, it was not long or I went to the USA, to strangers, and I learned real quickly to be independent.  The first three years taught me that enemies were better than friends who were not to be trusted.  And to follow my mother at that time seemed to me the greatest joy, but even though I begged God, He did not take my spirit from me.

19.      I now will say good-by for this time till a next, with a big kiss and best wishes, may the Lord yet bring us together before too long.  Your son Leen.

 

LETTER 4   Ann - Nov 29 1988 

Dear Leonard.

1.        How happy I was this evening in coming home after a weekend at Oosterbeek to find your letter in the hallway.  The first thing I did was to read it, then I became still more happy, yes I cried from happiness that you wish to be my son with heart and soul. 

2.        I have to let this work in a bit that after 35 years I may again be a mother for you, I thank God that He gave me health again after serious illness to yet experience this.

3.        For years I thought I had done everything wrong, and asked God for forgiveness, I thought I did not deserve to ever hear from you guy's again, but now I know not what to do for happiness that you write to me with so much love.

4.        You are a darling to do this for me, I always thought on you, almost no day passed that I did not.  And for a long time I had heart sore having to leave, but it could not be different then.

5.        In 1971 I became very ill, the sickness of Addison that destroys kidneys.  After this I was turned down for my work, and for ten years had TB.  After that I was operated on and a kidney was removed.

6.        After that I got better, and now it is much better with me, I work a lot with the evangelism, we have a center here at the church for the homeless and drug related, I help out once a week and visit the sick and lonely. I am so busy doing that, that I can't conceive how I ever had time to work.

7.         And now that you write me such lovely letters, it is the best and finest thing that I can conceive.  So you see that love remains always, this you wrote, and I feel it is true.

8.        Greetings to your wife and Rudolph and Rutger, dear Leonard much greetings and for you a big kiss from your mother Good buy dear boy.

 

LETTER 5   Leonard - Dec 20 1988 

Dear mother.

1.        I am usually patient, but now I look for your letters.  And now that you turn my heart in feelings of love towards you I thank God that He has made both of us so happy. 

2.        My mother at times said to me; that that sensitivity of mine would bring me much sorrow since the world is so cruel, and it is so.  But I notice that you also are sensitive my dear mother, for which I am glad. 

3.        It is as if I feel the wounds with which you suffered in all these years, as if they rest on me, that I may bear them to ease them from you.  And so I think, why could this not have been sooner, for so much has happened and I was not there to support her.

4.        Then again I ask myself, why did I not sooner think of it to search for you.  But that answer is in the knowledge of God, for just as He unites us now, and why, and to what end, is also in His knowledge.

5.        But I am very happy as one who has found a great treasure, for this is most dear to me, to share love and compassion, I rejoice exceedingly that the faith in the Lord has also been given you, to love our Savior. 

6.        For to thank God is a right offering, and to seek forgiveness by Him is not in vain, for when it is thus with our hearts, then the grace of God is near. 

7.        And now having heard how sick you have been, and in all these years thinking to hear from us, then I am reminded of the words of Jesus Ben Sirach as he said; “Suffer all things that come upon you, and be glad in all sorrows, for just as gold is tried in the oven, so also they that are acceptable to God are tried in the fire of adversity." 

8.        I can testify to that, and you also, the promise then is also given; that after endurance He will again turn to us, for they that wait on Him shall not be put to shame.

9.        What now shall I say my mother, why does my heart long so much for you?  I have known you for only a short while, nor have I seen or heard of you for many years, and yet with the day I long more and more for you like a son to his mother whom bore him. 

10.      It is indeed marvelous what the love of God is able to, for such is not common with men.  But now that I have a treasure above others in Holland I meditate to what end this may be?  How long must I wait to see her?  But I must have patience, be content with your letters.

11.      And now that you wish to be a mother for me, we must find what it is that a mother is to a son, what I can do, or say, to be dependent as a son on you. 

12.      To get to know you is the first thing, and how do you want to get to know your son?  May God keep you and enrich your heart with His love, and from me your son, much love with a big kiss.  Leonard.

 

LETTER 6   Ann - Dec 12 1988 

Most dearest Leonard

1.        It is with me as with you, continually I look for a letter from you, how can it be that we have become so knit to each other?  First my heartfelt thanks for the nice pictures of your family which you sent, I hope you are very happy with each other, also in the year 1989 which is coming, and thanks also for the nice Christmas card. 

2.        I received a letter from Roger, very nice, but in your letters I have come so close to you that when I read them I want to put my arms around you and press you to my heart.  To me you are the most dearest in the world, my dear darling, yes we both are a bit over-sensitive, but that is marvelous.

3.        Write me also about your family how you are doing with each other, for I wish to share with you in everything, so I might learn to know you better.  I read psalm 134, and hymn 150, this afternoon; "In the beginning was the Word, on earth His voice is heard which desires to speak to all generations, He was born in the night.

4.        I am not going to send you a picture of me since that will scare you, but I feel myself yet young.  How glorious it will be in the near future to see each other, but it is a bit too far to come to you on the bicycle, although I ride every day, and in the summer even to Amsterdam. 

5.        What terrible things have happened, that earthquake in Argentine, and that airplane that fell in England with all that destruction, and what great sorrow it brings for all those poor people.  It is at such times that one looks and longs for the return of Christ, so I often think, O how glorious that would be.

6.        O my boy I am so happy with your letters, I read and reread them, and I pray for your families that all things may be well, I have known you now and then since you were six years old, and from your 15th to your 16th year. 

7.        But now I am getting to know you better, my heart is full of it.  Very many thanks for your kind writing; the sorrow of the divorce is rectified in you one hundred percent.  We should have had contact sooner yes, but now all things are made well.

8.        Did you have a happy Christmas with each other?  I want to know much more regarding you, if you find time you must write me everything. 

9.        Last Sunday a sermon on the shepherds, shepherds were considered lowly in Israel, thus we can come to the krib in Bethlehem to worship our Savior.  I would like to write much more but the letter is full.

10.       Heartfelt greetings for Edith, Leonard David, Ann Marie, and for you much love with a big kiss.

 

LETTER 7  Ann - Jan 1 1989 

My dear son.

1.        How glorious it is to write that above my letter, I just can't get over it that I may again be a mother for you, it gives me such a good feeling my darling son.  I never thought that this would so happen, I always thought you had a third mother. 

2.        I wrote you already on Thursday Dec 29, but I cannot wait any longer, so I am writing again.  I look continually for a letter from you, but it is yet too soon for that, I must have patience.  Then I think, how will this be now for the future, will it remain like this?  But that cannot be.

3.        Write me everything, even that which is not pleasant for you, for I wish very much to know everything about you, good things or not good, in all things I want to feel with you, and share with you. 

4.        We had a nice Sunday today, first the morning service everyone wishing everyone happy new year, then a sermon from our district minister (Gen 25:19-27) Isaac prayed to the Lord after which Rebecca prayed.  Isaac and Rebecca - man and wife, two people, single in their faith in God, two persons praying, this seals their love giving it lasting quality. 

5.        How marvelous when you can pray for each other, what marvelous when you have an address where you can go with all your questions and problems, to the highest instant God. 

6.        When two are married, and they are one, then is that certainly worth a prayer of thanks.  But married or not married that road lies open for everyone through Jesus, through Him may I come to the Father with all my cares and problems and questions.

7.        There is again a new year ahead of us, and what shall it bring?  It is yet all hidden, but one thing we know for sure that we may put all things in God's hand, to let Him direct us and watch over us.  Since this meant so much for me Leonard, I wrote you this right away. 

8.        I am so very happy that you have kept the faith, it is the greatest support that we have in life, without Jesus our Savior and Mediator we cannot live, and we need Him every moment of our life.

9.        When you went to America so young, you did not have it all that easy, I can picture that very well, but I hope that now you are very happy in your marriage with wife and children.  I received a hundred cards and letters during Christmas, and also wrote many.

10.      But yours are the crown, those are more valuable to me than gold, yes even more than diamonds.  If only you could know how happy you have made me, I can not explain it, but each day I think of it.  You are not for a moment out of my thoughts just as I already wrote to you.

11.      You had to miss so much as children, losing your mother so early.  And I know how hard it was for your mother - being forced to have to let go of you all.  I grieved much for your mother when she died. 

12.     But I will never again let "you" go as long as I live.  You are my greatest treasure; I would like to say to everyone, "be happy with me for I have found my child that I had lost".

13.     I will pray much for you, and for the others and I hope to see you once, for with the day my longing increases, my love for you becomes more and more affectionate. 

14.     Good-by my dear Leonard, much greetings for your family granted from God, and a big kiss from your mother.

 

LETTER 8 Leonard Jan 22 1989 

My dear mother.

1.        I am so happy with your letters and your affectionate love, this I had not expected.  How wondrous the grace of the Lord.  He took her who bore me away, and now after forty years His grace is beyond me. 

2.        And at this point we both are asking what the purpose of this may be.  I do not exactly know my mother, but if I relate to you what the Lord has done to me, perhaps we may both come to know it.

3.        Now that I know that you my dear mother is also beloved of the Lord, I can speak more freely.  I know that you wish me happiness with my wife and children.  My children then are after me, and though I rather not declare this, you know how Judah, the son of Jacob, was married, and did not have joy with his wife, like unto Judah it is with me. 

4.        One rejoices in all that is of the Savior, the other wants nothing of it, and calls it foolish.  Moses was not all that happy either; she circumcised his son only when he was sick to death.  She did not wish to lose her husband, but cared little for the promise with Abraham.

5.        But enough of this, you spoke to me with so much love, and desire to share everything with me, to become a mother to me.  This however my dear mother could turn out to be very difficult for you, while on the other hand, it can also bring you a greater joy than you had expected. 

6.        There is something to it perhaps that you were given to me after these forty years.  Your own trial in these years were also directed of God, it may be that He has something in mind for you which you have not yet discovered, or felt in the depth of your heart.

7.        I now am thinking, shall I open my heart to her, or shall I wait?  But the love that comes through in your words overcame the opposition.  Therefore my dear mother, you have been a midwife all your life to help those that were pregnant, remain then a little longer therein to support your own son who is also with child. 

8.        It is as were it so destined for me to receive you at this time.  What I mean by "being with child", is both difficult and manifold to explain, but I will do so in bits and pieces, as also it was given me.

9.        When Moses grew up he knew God had called him as a deliverer, and being forty years of age, he thought the time had come, and he sought for a way.  He then killed an Egyptian, but when it became known, he, instead of becoming a deliverer, had to flee, and another forty years went by before God called him. 

10.      Meanwhile, he no doubt must have had thoughts as if he was imagining things, seeing he was away for so long from his people, if indeed he was to deliver them as God had promised?  Moses nevertheless kept faith.

11.      It now is written in the scriptures, that before the return of Christ Jesus the foundations of the earth are to be understood.  The angel said to Esdras,

12.      Stand upon your feet and hear a mighty sounding voice, and it shall be like the sound of many waters, but the place where you stand shall not be moved.  Therefore, when it speaks, be not afraid, for the word is of the end, and the foundations of the earth are understood.”

13.      And in Jer. 31 it is written,  If the heavens above can be measured, or the foundations of the earth below can be discovered, then will I cast off the descendants of Jacob." 

14.      We then my dear mother know that no-one can discover these things of himself, nor therefore shall Israel be cast off.  Still, the foundations are to be known or Christ cannot come. 

15.      God however brings His own word to fulfilling, therefore also my dear mother has our dear Lord arranged things so that He Himself declares these foundations to one whom He chooses.

16.       Isaiah testifies thereof, as one who would speak words, which no man has spoken, that were not previously heard, for how shall it have been heard before and Israel be cast off?  Therefore He said to Isaiah: "As a first I declared it to Zion".

17.      These foundations now are declared unto me.  As a first among men I am allowed to reveal these.  And the knowledge thereof my dear mother is very great, above all that man has discovered.  And this my dear mother (for it feels so good to call you my dear mother) is the child that is within me. 

18.      It began almost thirty years ago, and about fifteen years ago I thought, like Moses, that now the time had come.  But it was not so, and I said to myself, you are imagining things, perhaps you are not him, or perhaps I err.  But of that, which I had received, of that there was no denying, it being as clear as crystal. 

19.      Then I thought perhaps it is for my son, or another, and the years passed, and I promised myself to write everything down by age forty-eight.  But I was forty-nine and a half before my spirit was stirred in me to bring it to an end.

20.      In the time that followed I received more and more, and even now more and more, like as Solomon obtained wisdom, so I received knowledge in the secrets of God to the foundations which He created, inclusive those of the earth. 

21.      Compared to what is current, there is a great difference, wherefore also that which God has given us by me is a great treasure for all people.  And wisdom my dear mother teaches humility. 

22.      But how will I declare it to the people?  If it shall not be of the Lord, I surely can do nothing. The few that have heard something agree with me, and are amazed, even though it was but a drop.  I tell them that it is a gift of God, but this is taken with a grain of salt.

23.      The whole educated world declares the world to have come of itself, and now I shall come with secrets that reach far above their works?  Or shall I answer them, that it is of God, on whom they do not believe? 

24.      But how else shall I tell them where I obtained the knowledge?  For I will not deny my Lord, but rather I shall be as a lion among birds of prey.  The news media that handle such things will only accept something if one first has a name, or works with some university. 

25.      And even before they will look into anything, they questions where are you from, or with what intellectual group are you, where did it come from, etc.  And you know dear mother that I have but one answer, which to them is madness, how then shall the Lord fulfill His promise?  I look to see what the Lord will do.

26.      I have been busy this last week with a thesis regarding light (sunlight).  For I thought, I will take something that will not hurt so much, which is easy to understand, and of great importance which I can present with evidence that nearly all can understand. 

27.      And to do it in such a way as they wish, while then I am not declaring everything, it appears as if I complimenting Einstein and others.  For Moses also did not tell the whole truth, he said, three days in the desert.  It was mailed out Jan 20, may God bless it, His will be done. 

28.      That which I have now declared to you my dear mother you hear as a first.  I have not declared this before to anyone, not to my wife nor children, and why I do it to you, is beyond me, it must be your love, and my trust that you will understand, and be a support to me.

29.      I feel a bit relieved now that the Lord has given me someone with whom to share happiness and sorrow, yea even a mother.  You know that a prophet is not honored in his own town or by his own family, but a mother may be different. 

30.      Mary did not understand everything either, but held it in her heart.  Now you know with what I am in labor, and just as a child must be born lest both shall die, how then the Lord will bring it to earth I know not, but seeing the Lord has given me a midwife, the time may be near.

31.       Job complained that God had given him light, but hid his way from before him, so also is there light to me, but He keeps my way hidden from me.  I understand the aim all right, but there is hurt nonetheless. 

32.      The child itself however is so beautiful, so fair, so marvelous as God has made all things, it is delicious to see all this in the light of truth, very beautiful indeed, and without any blemish.

33.      At two separate places we ask what is to come of this in the future, but now that becomes even more a question.  As soon as the Lord opens a door for us I will come to embrace you; this I believe is granted us for yet a while. 

34.      Nor had I expected such a friend, even to find a mother, for I know for a fact my dear mother that heavy times are ahead of me, my name may mean strong Lion, but I am a weak human. 

35.      I now hope that these words of mine may also be for gold unto you, for I imagine myself nothing O dear mother, though I have asked myself that question a thousand times.  Would that it was so, then I could be like others, but the hand of the Redeemer overcame me, I have no strength against Him.

36.      You may think you have gotten a son my dear mother, but he may be more than a son to you.  You rejoice, but it will become yet greater, you have love, may it exalt you to the heavens.  This I have found, that the love with which the Savior loves us is inconceivably great, His grace so kind, so soft, so immeasurable that it is far beyond me. 

37.      How great then will the joy be once we shall be home?  Hold on to me my mother, so I say to you, so that I may behold your lovely face forever, for to this end did the Lord grant us faith, to inherit the same.

38.      I would like to say; put on the coffee I am coming to you, but that time will come, meanwhile I rejoice in your letters and thank the Lord for you.  And now you will no doubt have a thousand questions, what shall it mean; "A mighty sounding voice", or "of many waters", or "be not afraid", and also that it concerns two things. 

39.      The educated ones of the world deny God as Creator of heaven and earth, and whom shall he be as stated in Isaiah 48:12-16 of whom it is said that he would honor God as Creator?  Who will bring the wisdom of men to foolishness if not God. 

40.      And is not Babylon translated as, world?  And against whom will his might be?  The Chaldeans, which means, the strong.  "I love him", so says the Lord, and, that he would prosper.  And who will accuse me that I kept myself hidden?  Their own foolishness is them to their loss.

41.      O my dear mother have you heard the vision of Joseph who was despised for his dreams, what he gave to his children in his last words?  He said,

42.      “I saw that from Judah was born a virgin wearing a linen garment, and from her was born a Lamb without blemish, and on His left there was as were it a lion, and all the beast ran up against him, but He overcame them and trod them under foot. 

43.      And because of Him the angels and men and the land will rejoice, these things now will be fulfilled in their time, in the last days." 

44.      Not the lion with his right hand in the Savior's left, but the Lamb does the work.  The world however will see only the Lion; the Lamb is in Spirit until the time that He shall come in the clouds in person. 

45.      Blessed are they that shall believe, and not despise this, for all things must come to an end, to eternal peace.  I shall end this letter my dear mother, the Lord grant you wisdom to His word.

46.      The grace and peace of God and Christ Jesus be with you to eternal salvation, and from your beloved son a kiss with affectionate love until a next time. 

47.      Lay these things in your heart, keep them as a treasure entrusted to you until our Savior declares it to all, weight them in faith, and after the grace of God.  Leonard.

 

LETTER 9  Leonard - Jan 17-1989

My most dearest mother.

1.        In the Song of Solomon it is written; "He kissed me with the kisses of his mouth, more precious than wine is your love, delicious is the fragrance of your ointments. He has brought me into the wine house, his love was his banner over me, strengthen me with raisin-cookies, revive me with apples, for I faint from love, his left hand under my head, his right arm embraces me.

2.        Anneke my dear mother, I will also sing you a High song, to expose myself to you, to own you to me, I will touch your feelings to turn your affections to me, to confuse you in love.  I have kissed you my dear mother with the words of my mouth.

3.        I will behold if your love will be one with me. 

      If the sweetness of my soft lips will make you one with me.

      If the costly wine of my soul are pleasant to you 

      If it causes you to be drunk, lifted up in ecstasy of love.

4.        You will say,

      My son let me to our quarters of love.

      From far away he called me.

      He deceived me with the kisses of his mouth.

      With pleasant wine his love overcame me.

      I will rejoice myself in him.

5.        He led me to his place of rest.

      There I will accustom myself to his love.

      My figure is not as white as it was at my birth.

      Nor my beauty as long ago.

      How will my love receive me? 

6.        O my loveliest, let not your appearance shame you,

      Nor the color of your skin, for you are enchanting.

      I do not look at your years - desire of my soul.

      You brought forth the fruit of the vine for others.

      Yourself you did not partake thereof.

      But now you have received a son. 

      A son from your Father in the Highest.

7.        Do you desire raisin-cookies my mother? These I have.

      Do you desire apples my dear mother?  These I have.

      Do you desire love my beloved mother?  It is granted you.

      For the Savior of man is full of love.

      He granted me this, a blessing to my many children. 

8.        I will make you drunk in my love.

      Confuse your head with the pleasure of souls desire.

      Your breast will be filled-with the most high luster.

      And be mother to your child with great desire.

      Of God's wisdom you will drink.

      His Spirit will fill you with desire.

      To always desire the highest of love. 

9.        How delicious is your love, your appearance so beautiful.

      You enchant me with your ornaments.

      Your lips will drip of the taste of sweet honey.

      The milk of my youth will be found under your tongue.

      I shall feed you with the milk with which I was fed.

      From the breasts of your sister, the gift of the Father. 

10.      How delicious O my mother, my sister,.

      My wife my bride, unto you will I be wed.

      My love will be immeasurable.

      Nor will you miss it ever again.

11.      Who would have expected that I would be so knit to you?  How marvelous the love, the works of the Lord.  Previously I knew only a hidden love, which is now inflamed, it has become intimate, and who shall have done this if the not the Savior, who else? 

12.      And what purpose has He in mind?  The Lord granted me wisdom and understanding, and with it also insight.  But I am not revealing everything to you lest I make you over-drunk - wherein love does not rise to joy.

13.      Therefore my mother love me, be patient with your son.

      Your son shall be to you more than a man, than a married man.

      It is your Savior mother, Christ who granted you this,

      He loves you, and has elevated your name.

14.      I shall overcome you in love.

      Fill your breast with the pleasure of blessedness.

      Thus will you remain with me always.

      For what heart of a woman will depart from the mouth.

      For which she faints in love? 

15.      As a young maiden did he draw her to him.

      She shall be to him as her who bore him.

      From his love she will never be satisfied.

      Upon her breast he will forever be joyful. 

16.      My beloved mother, I love you, because;

      Your spirit with Mine testify us children of God.

      You are to me my sister, my wife, and my mother.

      Other than these three, I know no other woman.

      While I therefore am man, you will be mother to me.

      My beloved one into all eternity's.

      Sharing.

17.      Unto what end have I come?  What is my life that you wish to share it?  Did you not know that I must serve in my Father's house?  Thus spoke Christ to his mother when she reproved Him, and I now say to you my dear mother; it is so ordered of the Savior. Shall a teacher not care for his teachings, to be busy therein?  Whoever works with cow's talks of cows, they that sail the sea in ships have tall stories.

18.      But he that concerns himself with the word of God must take it seriously, search day and night, for he must teach men the rights of the Lord.  For God, who asks after everyone's work, searches if he has done rightly, and woe to him who does not take it to heart.

      Raisin cookies and apples.

19.      You said; "With all those calamities in the world, one would long for the return of Christ."  Strengthen now yourself in faith my dear mother and I will point out to you in the scriptures showing how that day of Christ is not far off. “When the tree begins to blossom - know that summer is near."  So spoke the Savior.

20.      In the ninth chapter of Daniel it is written how long that time will be, "Seventy weeks of years", so it states. For two thousand years Israel has been in exile from their land, but the Lord promised them a return before His coming.

21.      Yes, seventy weeks of years, it reads.  "Know and understand (and I place emphasis on this), that from the time the command went forth to restore Jerusalem, to the coming of an anointed one, a prince, shall be seven weeks.  And for sixty two weeks it shall remain build with square and moat."

22.      Has now the Lord kept His promise my dear mother?  Already forty years officially a nation, the calling however was before the world war.  The devil knew it, and tried to murder all the Jews. 

23.      But now Jerusalem is build, and will remain so to the sixty ninth week, after which there must yet be seven years before Christ shall come. It was written in this way so that the foolish would not know it, neither do they know when the calling was. 

24.      And now my dear mother, have you read well what the angel said?  The seventy weeks are divided in three, and also in two, but concerning the two is written by another prophet, on which I will speak another time. First there are seven weeks until the birth of an anointed one, a prince.  Who then my dear mother shall this prince be? 

25.      God's word has come true, Israel has returned, more than seven weeks have passed, where now is that prince?  There has to be a prince on the earth today, otherwise God's word cannot be true.  And so where is this anointed one my dearest mother? 

26.      Who shall he be that is called a prince?  Shall it be the Christ himself of which the angel speaks?  But how is that possible, since Christ is to come only at the end of these seventy weeks. 

27.      If thus this passage should point to Christ of two thousand years ago is that in every respect impossible. Christ died at the age of 33, while this prince is to become sixty-two before he is to give his life for others.  Shall then our Savior have to die for a second time perhaps?  And if so, He must already be in this world.

28.      It is a man who is meant herewith my dear mother, and that anointed one is given you for son, for was there not a Lion next to Christ in the dream of Joseph?  And from where was this lion to come? 

29.      The prophet Elijah said  "And a king, who will be called, King of peace, shall arise in the west, he shall run upon the sea like a roaring lion.”  That King then my dear mother is Christ Jesus, but on His left hand He holds a Lion, therefore also does it say: "like a Lion." 

30.      You however my dear mother know that a Lion does not walk on water, the Lion then is Christ as well as the man, while the waters are the nations, the peoples. Joseph also said that the beasts would run up against that Lamb, these then are one the same.  The lion then roars, he is angry, he sounds a mighty voice. 

31.      And compare this with Isaiah 41:25, for is not Holland in the north, and am I not now in the west from which it must come?  The sound of many waters, means, that many people will talk about it, one this and another that, and it will be no small commotion, even as Baruch also testified.

32.      The apostles now my dear mother read the books of Ezra under the name of Esdras, the writing of which by the command of God were kept hidden from the public, since, so said the Lord, "the fountain of wisdom was in them." 

33.      The Jews themselves, the Pharisees did not want these books since in them God clearly states how He had cast off Israel to turn to Gentiles who without prophets or signs would nonetheless believe on His word. 

34.      These books are still kept for the children of God, and while I wrote a little of it last time, this is what follows.  First the angel explains the times, inclusive the Second World War, then there is rest for a spell, after which he says. 

35.      "Look and behold what you see, and understand it, and I saw said the prophet, someone like a roaring Lion chased out of the woods, and I saw that he lifted up a man's voice to the eagle, and he said. 

36.      Hear me, I will talk with you, for the Highest says to you; are not you the last of the four beasts that remains which I gave to rule in my earth, so that its end might come through you?"

37.      And with still more words he spoke my mother.  But I will proceed to the next chapter where the prophet asks for the explanation, the angel then answered.

38.       “And the Lion whom you saw, how he roared and spoke with the eagle, how he reproved her for her unrighteousness with all the words which you heard, this is the anointed of the Lord, which the Lord God has kept for them and for their wickedness unto the end. 

39.      He shall reprove them and upbraid them with their cruelties; he will put them before him alive in judgment, and judge them.  But those others he will lead gently, those that are preserved upon My borders, and he will make them joyful unto the coming of the Day of Judgment.”

40.      Then my beloved mother the angel said “Keep this as a secret, tell it only to such as are wise."  This secret then must come to fulfilling, and he who was created thereto my dear mother - lies in your bosom, if you will keep me in your bosom.

41.       For with strength was I born, the child that is within me is the fire of the Lord, and also mercy and compassion, even as I served to you.  If then O my dear mother you rejoice at the kisses of my lips in words, how much more so my dear mother will you become full of joy to flow into the arms of your son? 

42.      For I know what love is and how to serve it, but from the unchaste I keep myself, but you have faith, and with it comes salvation.

      HIGH-SONG.  Second part.

43.      I was to deceive you in our wine house my mother.

      My banner over you was to be love.

      I thought to bring you spirit and wisdom.

      To caress you with the love thereof.

      To take you prisoner.

      So I might drink of your love for which I thirst.

44.      Will you my mother say to me, He deceived me?

      My son deceived me leading me to our wine house.

      With the kisses of his lips he deceived me.

      Yes, I deceived you my mother.

      I deceived you after the love of God.

      Your years are many; still you are as a young maiden. 

45.      If now you are to faint from love O my dear mother.

      Fill yourself with the raisin-cookies I gave.

      And with the apples that I set forth.

      Fill yourself there-with to become full-fed.

      And when it shall please love I shall come.

      Then my left-hand will come under your head.

      My right arm will embrace you in souls desire. 

46.      Your beloved one knocks at the door.

      Are you listening my beloved sister?

      My dearest mother, honey-sweet woman, perfect one?

      I have fought, stained myself with blood.

      Now I seek rest in your desires. 

      Open your door my honey-sweet woman.

47.      I have washed myself, changed my clothing.

      I press towards your love.

      My lips well-made to serve honey to you.

      Sweet milk, yea costly wine.

      Let me kiss you my beloved, my joy is in you. 

48.      Your son has come, He will come to you.

      You shall embrace him.

      Kiss him with the lips of your perfect mouth.

      Glorious will be our sleeping quarters.

      Delicious the place of our union. 

49.      He will rejoice himself in you.

      Feed you with the kisses of his mouth.

      He will take your hand in his.

      And fill you with the goodness of the Father.

      Let me see you O my dearest.

      Lay yourself down with me to rest.

      Thus shall love be exalted, in rest and peace. 

50.      You will say; indeed my son is wise, He is lovable.

      To him is given the milk of understanding.

      Many years did I search for a son.

      I sought for one who was not.

      But when he called me, revealed himself to me.

      Then I recalled my son of long ago. 

51.      My son, truly my son.

      Now I have found him, he found me.

      In his love did he ask for me.

      In his love with the costly wine of his lips.

      He made my head dizzy to fainting. 

51.       He is my beloved.

      My son who gave himself for me. 

      My sister bore him.

      Now he is my son, my most dearest.

      I will lay myself down in blessedness,

      On the kisses of his mouth.

      Unto rest, and eternal peace. 

52.       How glorious is the love O my mother.

      How glorious among all that can be desired.

      She is beautiful my mother,

      Delicious in her sweetness.  Desire her.

      Desire me your son with all your strength.

      Let me flow into you.

      I am full of surprises, full of love.

      He mixed it for me, the Father, my Lord. 

53.       In your mountains I grew up.  I will engage you.

      And for your sister who did not have breasts.

      I shall become a door unto her.

      Let her therefore be enclosed with wood of cedars.

      Thus way I will desire her.

      And delight her with sweetness of honey. 

54.       How so this high-song to you my mother?

      Your son loves you and many others as well.

      I placed you, as were you Israel, His beloved people.

      And me as her King, that speaks to her.

      To assemble a high-song, a song in honor.

      This wine has much meaning my dear mother.

      It is for many others my most dearest. 

55.       But that bottle full of sweet wine.

      I shall keep for another day.

      To again deceive you to our wine house.

      To fill you with the most costly wine.

      Then you will never depart from me.

      I shall have deceived you completely. 

56.       Your eyes shall be to me only, and always. 

      Upon your breasts shall I be made full. 

      Your bosom my seating. 

      You my dear mother shall say. 

      My son has enchanted me. 

      He deceived me in our wine house. 

      He made me drunk in love. 

      With the sweetness of honey.

      Did he impregnate me. 

      From Solomon's High-song.

57.      On my bed at night I sought for the love of my soul, I sought him, but found him not. I will get up and go around in the city. In the streets to find the love of my soul.  I sought, but found him not.

58.      The guards found me, and I asked them. "Have you seen the love of my soul?" Barely did I pass them, or there I found Him, the love of my soul. I grabbed him, and would not let him go. Till he had brought me in the house of my mother.

59.      How long O my dear mother has Israel longed for the Messiah?  They found Him not, the guards (Preachers) knew it neither, but soon now they will pass the guards, and find the love of their soul, Jesus, and He will live in her house.  So also your son loves your soul O my mother.

60.     Let me be the love of your soul.

      The pleasure of the wine which flows from.

      My lips are sweeter than of all others.

      My lips are soft, full of tenderness. 

      My love is deeper than the sea.

      My company a fulfilling. 

61.      How much does the Savior love His people?  My example is only an example, for as higher as He is to me, so also His love is.  Solomon then had many wives, but I have you my dearest mother.

      (From the High-song again)

62.      “Lay me as a signet on your heart, for strong as death is love,  Immobile as the kingdom of death is heart's desire,  Her flames are flames of fire, a fire of the Lord. 

63.      Many waters cannot quench love, rivers run in vain against her,  And though one offered everything he has for the love. One would refuse him shamefully.

64.      Intimate is my love that I have for you my dearest.  Desiring you is stronger than death.  I have sung to you a high-song.   Now I must depart from you my beloved mother.

65.      The grace and peace of God the Father, and our beloved Lord Jesus be with you, as also a honey sweet kiss from your son, Leonard.

 

LETTER 10   Leonard - Jan 29 1989

To my beloved mother.

1.        It is delicious to write you, to reveal my love, all my days I desired to love a woman intimately, and now you have caught me with a love in which I adore you.  It was good to pronounce a song, even a high-song, I trust you will be glad with it. 

2.        I have fallen in love with you my Anah, what have you done to me to so turn my soul to you?  I shall restrain myself; you have enough for a while, now that you found a son whom you had not expected.

3.        A son of your Savior, a gift of the Lord my dear mother.  But you also are to me a gift of God, given in faith, how marvelous the grace of God is.

4.        How greatly He can bring joy when He gives of the goodness of His hand, a mother in Christ, I simply cannot get over it.

5.        I have not yet heard from you after I opened my heart to you.  Thoughts went through me, if perhaps my beloved mother will despise me in unbelief, or if her faith is strong, and her love for God is with knowledge to support her. 

6.        But then I take strength in God's grace, and in your words that you will never let me go.  You emphasized that word, and you also said that I was at all times in your thoughts day and night.

7.        And how can that be normal?  For at any time previous thereto what had I done?  I offered myself to you as a son out of love, something quite natural with me, and you received only a little.

8.        This therefore my mother must be other than common.  In the first place you are as much in love as your son is in feelings.  And in the second place, I thought this must be of the Lord, such love which is not physical, but in spirit. He must have touched her feelings turning them to me, He will reward her the meekness and labors to others. 

9.        He loves you my mother, keeping you with faith through illness and tears, through divorce and needs, testing you, and finding you worthy.  And now He has turned you to me in love and grace. 

10.      You are blessed my mother, He honors you highly, wherefore I praise and bless the Lord Almighty for you, for His grace to you.  And He has only begun.  He has more in mind for you, you will rejoice yourself in Him more and more, more than you had thought.  He will reward your bosom greatly, for our Savior in His compassion knows how to grant goodness to man, wondrous are His ways, inconceivable, and we rejoice in it.

11.      And now that you love me your son, I had to tell you whom I really am, how otherwise would you share with me?  Yes my dear mother I know very well that it is a strong trial of faith.

12.      But I asked of the Lord that He grant you strength as well as faith, that you may not wander in doubt, or fall in unbelief. Myself I know it, we never consider ourselves worthy of His grace.

13.      The Lord knows this very well, therefore also is His name so much more glorified, and we thank Him the more.  He knows, and does it by design, and it is our joy and salvation, for it is the love of our soul to praise and sing thanks to Him. 

14.      You yourself said how Isaac prayed for his wife and God heard him, how man and wife pray for each other, and God hears them, hearing also your prayer to keep you in faith.  For I also believe, and do not put questions to Him lightly, as it reads, "Ask what you will in My name, and I will do it so that My Father may be glorified in the Son".

15.      How strong is your faith mother?  One receives more than another, but everyone sufficient for his needs.  I know that it is unusual to find an anointed of God among Gentile people, yet it is so written. 

16.      The scriptures testify that an anointed one must come during this time, and still more is written which I have not yet told you of, which I will relate to you in parts.

17.      So you may come to know your son, and become aware of the wondrous works of the Lord.  Then you will indeed be able to feel and share with me in all things, and you will be mother to him, and your son will desire you above all things on earth. 

18.      I will love you with an immeasurable love from the depths of God.  And you my mother will not know what to do for joy, you will never be able to remove me from your thoughts, nor suffer loss of his love.

19.      You know of course that I do not speak of a physical love, but that which is of the Spirit.  Your color, your countenance, your years mean nothing, it are your words, your feelings, the honey-sweetness of your lips that honor God in the highest, of that love I speak. 

20.      When we shall have come in our heavenly kingdom you shall receive a new body, an immortal body, and you will be beautiful, delicious to behold with a queen's crown on your head, a glorious crown of salvation. 

21.      For did you not take a prince for a son to be a mother to him?  You did say, that you would never again let him go, did you not?  Hold on my mother, you were ordained to this from before the earth was formed to come to the honor of God, and to me a love of my soul.

22.      This secret then I know, that in heaven you will be very beautiful, delicious to behold, and how then shall your son not completely fall in love with you?  No more will you hide your face from me, for I look to your soul, listen to your words, and look ahead to our eternal abiding. 

23.      It won't be long mother, we are both old, yet a few years in joy with each other and we shall see our Savior.  I revealed myself to you before it would come to pass, before you would read of it in newspapers, and that also will be a testimony of your love. 

24.      This I perceived in the wisdom that the Lord has granted me, and more have I seen of which I will speak later. This is a trial of my faith, as also of yours, so that later it may show that in faith all things are possible, and that in it a man shall live. 

25.      It would be of little faith if you had read it in the papers, but now you know it in advance, in faith we both shall be kept, you to me for support, and I to you for joy. I indeed need your support my mother, the time is not yet come, but it will come and you may be midwife to your most beloved son, he will have need of you. 

26.      For birds of prey, low animals will come upon your son to take the horn from his head, his enemies will be many, and they will speak evil of your son, and invent lies. 

27.      In great numbers they will stand up against your beloved son, but they shall not overcome him, for thus it is written.  Many will agree with your son, and others will love him like you love him.

28.      I long for your love my mother, for your words - the kisses of your mouth, your words of love are as sweet honey.  I am weak, your son a normal man, I thirst for love, grant me your honey sweetness my mother.

29.      Let me rejoice in you, for now I am in love with you, not previously, but now I am.  I am like a small bird, you have pierced me with your arrow, caught me like a helpless bird.

30.      Give yourself to kiss me with the lips of your mouth so I may remain alive, and the wound of your arrow will be for joy to me. Daily I wish to satisfy myself of your honey-sweetness, I thirst for your love.

31.      If I do not restrain myself, I would say.  Kiss me my mother, feed me with the milk of your breast, let the honey of your lips bring me to exulting, for I am in love with my mother.

32.      But we must be patient until the time of our reunion, just as I said in my High song.  “When it pleases love, then shall I come, not before."  That love is in the hand of our Savior.  It will be a trial of faith as well as of patience.

33.      This also is His aim, so that you can't just come to me, nor I to you.  For the while we must kiss by letter, for that my dear mother is worth more to the Lord than pure gold.  The kisses which we pass are delicious offerings which He accepts in mercy.

34.      Yea He asks them of us to the glory of His name, allow your heart to me in love, your Savior asks it.  You then will kiss the Savior as often as you kiss your son, and your days will be different. 

35.      The grace and peace of God the Father and of Christ Jesus be with you my beloved mother, receive the sweetness of your son.  Leonard.

 

LETTER 11   Leonard - Jan 31 1989

MOTHER AND SON    (A LOVE SONG)

1.        How shall I begin my mother, my fairest?

      I will say that I am in love, but with whom?

      With you my dear mother, with you I am in love.

      Why O my son are you in love with me, why?

      I will tell you my mother my dearest.

2.        We had a wine house behind the house,

      Do you know it my mother?

      A small place of love with tables and chairs.

      Where you kept the fruits made into drinks.

      I returned from my travels again to you.

      You rejoiced in my arrival, and I beheld you.

      Then we went to that wine house to rejoice.

      Do you remember it O mother?

3.        You awoke in the morning a bit dizzy.

      The wine of the evening yet had its power over you.

      Now you remember the night before, your heart asks,

      My son my beloved, what has been done to me?

      You flattered me to our wine house, to our place of love.

4.        I went after him, in my admiration for him I followed him

      There in the wine house he seated me on a chair.

      A chair with a soft back, and a table nearby

      His eyes full of love were directed to me.

      In his love I allowed myself to him.

5.        He handed me wine in a glass, but this I knew not.

      It was mixed with enchantments.

      Within it he put the strength of his love.

      I took it from him, and yet another glass, and more.

      Then I became drunk, light in my head.

      From the strength of his love I came into his might. 

6.        Now I remember the night, I was deceived.

      By my son, yes by my son, my beloved.

      In his admiration he surprised me.

      Now though I am awake, I am still under his might.

      How shall I escape O my son, my beloved?

      In our wine house you put locks on me.

      The strong chains of souls delight. 

7.        You offered me mixed wine, which imprisons feet.

      You sought after my love, how will I resist him?

      I feel it; I am in love, in love with my son.

      What now shall I do O my son, my beloved one?

      You caused your mother to be in love like a maiden.

      Against your love you were the stronger to me. 

8.        Yes now I am awake from the power of the wine.

      I think on my son, what He did to me.

      He caused me to be in love, me his mother.

      Yea his mother to him, in his strength of love.

      I stare at the window, how so my son? 

9.        He knocks at the door, my son knocks.

      Already my heart runs quicker, so I answer.

      He comes through the door, and seeing him,

      I feel myself afloat, in love with my son.

      His hand reaches for me, how can I withstand him?

      The strength of his love is too strong for me.

10.      Sit by me my son, for I want to ask you something.

      Tell me my son, what has been done to your mother in the night?

      Why my son was that wine so powerful?

      What my beloved did you add therein?

      I still feel its power, like enchantment to me.

      Was it love potion my son that you mixed with it?

 

SON TO MOTHER.

11.      Spare yourself mother, I will tell you, it was my love.

      With the strength of my love did I mix your wine.

      Because I am in love with you my mother my dearest.

      In your beauty O my mother I fell in love.

      Recall my mother when I was yet young in your bosom.

      How you kissed me with your mouth full of sweet honey.

      With the sweetness of your lips I was brought up.

12.      Now I have become a man, no longer a child.

      Yet I remember your lips, the sweetness thereof.

      Its sweet honey with which I was spoiled my mother.

      Where now my mother as a man shall I go to find

      That sweet honey with which you spoiled me?

      From your lips O my mother, yea there only. 

13.      First I was a child, but now I am man.

      The beauty of women now enchants me.

      I looked around after the beauty of women.

      In distant lands I sought, there I saw much.

      Yea women gorgeous in figure,

      And I turned to them.  I kissed their lips,

      They were sweet O my mother.

      But not like I was used to as a child in your lap. 

14.      I went to other women, kissed their lips.

      But my desire did not find your likeness O mother.

      That sweet honey of your lips, such as I desire.

      You had spoiled me with your love others to loss.

      I did not find your likeness, and so I was grieved.

      Where now shall I go to find such sweet honey?

      And also your beauty my mother, there is none like it. 

15.      Thus I returned myself from my travels to you.

      To the place of my birth, there where I was received.

      There you were O my mother, waiting for me.

      And beholding your beauty, I fell in love with you.

      While also I recalled that honey-sweetness of long ago.

      My heart turned itself within me to behold you.

      With a look and a thought I fell in love.  

      For now I am a man, and longingly press towards such love. 

16.      I thought my mother is without man, without strength.

      Also, I was not of her womb, an adopted son.

      Who has deceived her in love, who desired her beauty?

      I thought, I shall retain my mother, pull her to me.

      Fill her with my love, so she will always be my mother. 

17.      Let now my hand support your head O my mother.

      My arm embrace you, and I say to you my mother.

      I am in love with you, totally given to you.

      Your beauty is not like others my dearest.

      Not like the women, which your son desired.

      As the stars above sevenfold over so is your beauty.

      Delicious to behold, thus I fell in love.

      With you O my mother, I found not your likeness. 

18.      Press yourself to me, and close your eyes my mother. 

      My hand will support you while I kiss you.

      My arm embracing you will hold you while I behold you.

      I want to taste the sweet honey, which I have missed for so long.

      Your delicious food my mother, the strength of your lips. 

19.      How delicious your lips my mother exalted in you.

      It has been so long, but now you kiss my lips again.

      Why then O my mother shall I seek for less?

      Do you feel it now my mother, why I deceived you?

      Why I led you to the wine house?

      To bring you in love.  Yea in love with me,

      So I might always taste you. 

      

       MOTHER TO SON.

20.      O my son my dearest, what have you done to me?

      I am powerless in your arms, overcome in your love.

      With your mouth you have brought me to ecstasy.

      How shall I resist you my beloved?

      How shall I resist you to keep myself mother to you?

      For now I am in love, yea in love with my son.

21.      Leave not O my son, you are mine in love.

      United in love with the strength of your love.

      Depart not from me to stranger nor beauty.

     I will ready for you a place to rest next to mine.

      You shall eat at my table, to my beholding.

     I will continually rejoice myself in your love. 

22.      In the heat of the day you will cover me in your shadow.

      In the evening I will let you deceive me.

      To caress in our wine house, to drink love.

      And if you do not deceive me, I will flatter you

      With my beauty to go to our wine house.

      For there O my love, there we will rejoice,

      Singing the song of the Savior. 

23.      My son my beloved, you caused your mother to be in love. 

      Therefore my son you have put yourself in cuffs to me.

      You deceived yourself in love binding your hands.

      For who now my son will look at me,

      Who now desire me?

24.      What man shall now bow himself for me? Seek for me?

      You surprised your mother, brought her in love.

      Not ever again O my son shall another desire me.

      You have deceived yourself to me with an eternal love. 

      SON TO MOTHER.

25.      I know it my mother; yes I acknowledge the bonds.

      Unto you I was led, because you spoiled me.

      I shall keep you as my mother, my dearest.

      Do not mourn O my mother for husband or child.

      I will be to you as both husband and son.

26.      Where will you go O my mother to corner my love?

      Be of your son, to your own joy - mother and wife.

      It shall not be to your taste O my mother to taste another.

      My likeness had it beginning in you.

      Where will you find a man after your taste?

27.      Lay yourself to rest O my mother in sweet rest.

      You shall awaken with your son to your taste.

      You shall rejoice yourself in Him whom you bore.

      In the fear of the Lord O mother.

      And in His peace, in everlasting joy.

      Explanation   Son of two, and yet one. 

28.      Now I shall say to you my most dearest mother, this song is in truth, it is really so, everything is correct.  My mother Anigje was faith; she spoiled me with the love of the Savior.  As a child I grew up in that honey sweetness. 

29.      I loved my mother with affectionate love; her voice was with faith, and with Godly love, therein my soul rejoiced, she spoiled me with this.   Then she was taken from me, my mother Anigje into eternal rest.

30.      I remained alone, grieved, and became man, I sought for a woman, for beauty, to again find such love, but I found it not.  

31.      Now mother Anah, one difference in the song, not I turned myself, nor I to a mother, for she was no longer, or at least, so I thought.  But it was the Savior O mother; He turned me to you.  Are you not also my mother not seen in so long? 

32.      Then I heard your words, saw through your letters, it was like a strength that I had known before.  Yes in you, that glorious sweetness of her love, your beauty shone through the lines of your hand. 

33.      Then it came to me, This is my mother, I recall her smell, she truly my mother, my mother so long in my past.  Sarah, or Anah, the sweetness was the same, that honey sweetness with which I was spoiled, my soul tastes again the same, with that O my mother I fell in love.

34.      Take now O mother this glass of wine.

      Mixed for you my mother with my love.

      To deceive you in falling in love with your son.

      Since he is in love with you.

      Do not draw yourself from his bonds.

      Remain yet a little in our wine house being joyful. 

35.      It is my purpose to bring you in love.

      Soon you may sleep after yet a few glasses.

      Tomorrow you may awaken, late in the morning.

      After the wine of the night, as my prisoner. 

      Then my lips shall find you in eternal rest.

36.      Hear now my darling, dearly beloved.

      Feeling - is beauty, eternal pleasure.

      Words in love - like sweet honey.

      Hearts desire - is pureness, souls pleasure.

      The faith of the Savior - a heavenly exalting.

      Understanding - the might of lips.

      Wisdom my mother - is eternal beauty. 

37.      Love of the soul - immortal and beautiful.

      Not over-affectionate, but improper not right.

      For who can honor God too high, or understand love?

      He that has not love - is not real, not in God's image.

      Wherein then shall love be known?

      In feelings O my mother, my love in love. 

38.      End of my song, I must depart until another evening with candlesticks and wine, to fill a glass fully after your taste my mother my love.  Leonard.

 

LETTER 12   Leonard - Feb 5 1989)

Most dearest mother.

1.        It becomes difficult waiting to write, I thought once a week, but it became more, forgive me my mother for I rejoice in your love. 

2.        I went through my old papers, the proverbs, prayers, and expressions which I had written when I was yet young, in the beginning of my love for learning.  There I found some surprises, which I had forgotten, and how well it was with my soul then.

3.        Words, which I had spoken but not understood.  I found some beautiful things, which I now begin to understand.  How glorious was my heart already knit to the Lord at that time, and so I am sending you a page of that which survived, being glad that I saved these through the years. 

4.        I am giving you this page as a token by which you may come to know your son, to know him then you will be able to share with him. And from your writings I will learn to know your heart and soul.

5.        Who then will as blessed as we mother and son?  But you shall have to strain yourself my mother, since it is a mountain that stands before you, which you must climb in which there is much to see, and the air is full of delicious fragrance. 

6.        You seek rest and joy and peace in the words of David, the psalms, and in all scripture, but there are yet more of the Lord our Savior, in the Odes which have been called after Solomon which I renamed after Christ. 

7.        These are some of the most beautiful psalms written, the Lord speaks in them, most probably made after the time of Christ by one greatly honored of God to write so beautifully.

8.        As you then already know, the Lord anointed me for some purpose, and like Enoch said, that I would receive wisdom and knowledge, and in that knowledge my mother I have written much.  These words were given me of the Spirit of God who is with me. 

9.        If then you find joy in God's word, you will also find joy in my words, since they too are of Him.  I know you rejoice in my love even when I showed only a glimmer, how then my mother will your heart rejoice in receiving the full gift thereof? 

10.      Our Savior granted me this to our joy. Your son is in love with his mother, now you know it, and I wished you to fall in love with me. 

11.      I do not seek your love in secret wherefore I revealed my desire to have you body and soul in love with me, so that I may always drink of your love, to satisfy me in your love.  I thirst after the highest love.

12.      Therefore also do I search in depths to bring it upwards.  I desire, the dearest mother heart, your passion I wish to stir up that I may drink of it in souls rejoicing.

13.      But now I shall again have to leave, the grace and wisdom of God and Christ be with you, a kiss for your lips my mother.  Leonard.

 

LETTER 13   Leonard - Feb 12 1989

Dearest mother.

1.        Every day I look for a letter, I miss your lovely words, you companionship, I thought perhaps we can wait a month, and meanwhile receive a letter.  If then at all possible my mother write me every week. 

2.        I am sending some means herewith so you can write to your hearts desire.  I love you yet I cannot picture you to me, it has been too long ago, I cannot remember you face, nor picture it to me except a little. 

3.        So I am sending a picture of myself in younger years with this to bend your mother-heart to also sent me a picture if even from long ago.  I love you not for your figure, as is obvious since I do not remember, nor can I picture you.  Yet some day I shall have to find you from among others. 

4.        I completed my first book, "the foundations of the world", and am now busy with the second.  I have some pain in my chest these last weeks, and if this is something physical or if it be your love I know not, if it is the latter I will take more. 

5.        Ask me again "why?"  And though I could say much in that respect, it is as I wrote in that high-song; "with a look and a thought I fell in love with you."

6.        I have not had a letter from you in answer on anything, and to say more I must see what you can bear, I suspect to receive a letter this coming week.  I plan to write you each week, so that you need not continually look for the mail knowing you will receive a letter.

7.        For how can I hurt a mother-heart or let her thirst?  I love you and you know it, turn my heart softly for it is yours, and be careful my mother, for how would I survive it if something happened to you? 

8.        Receive a kiss from your son, the peace of the Lord be with you.  Leonard. 

 

LETTER 14      Ann - Feb 4 1989

My dearest son Leonard.

1.        Every day when the mail comes I look to see if there is a letter from you, which cannot be yet, but I long so strongly for them, but this morning four letters came together, much thanks for all that you wrote.

2.        It took me all morning to read and reread them, and though you did not write it with so many words, I noticed that you are not fully happy in your marriage, I had noticed that earlier even though you did not write about it. 

3.        I think it sad that your marriage has not given you great happiness, I feel with you in this for I also experienced that, if you are not one in faith is that very difficult.  I hope however that both of you are doing your best to come together.

4.        You are to me the dearest child, through your letters I have come to love you more than it was before.  Now and then there are things of which I cannot let go, something you read that fastens itself to you, you keep thinking about it. 

5.        For example; I know a master greater than Michael Angelo, God's stone is man, His chisel the pain, and when I suffer much and it looks like I can stand no more, I say to myself.  The Master is at work, He wants to make me more beautiful, and better, I thank Thee God.  It sets in me like a chisel in stone, irrevocably.

6.        What insight is it when you can say, that the pain is the chisel which God handles to form the man.  Every person experiences pain although not all the same.  But apparently God can touch a person in his life so as to shake him on his foundations, and that at end he can still say; I thank Thee my God. 

7.        This is not something one can say just like that, it is grace.  Of that word, honestly spoken, I do not understand everything, actually almost nothing.  But I have the feeling that grace has something to do with God, something that comes over you, of which you cannot come lose. 

8.        There are things by which one is so touched that one cannot get lose of, and that is good, for which reason it also is called grace, like a confession, so it can be read. 

9.        A mighty fortress is our God, a wall to turn evil, His strong hand hold the evil from you, who can defend himself without Him?  Jesus Christ is Lord of the universe who shall be victorious; God Himself stands at our side.

10.      My dear Leonard I hope you also shall experience this; in my thoughts I put my arms around you and press you to my heart my darling boy.  O how good it is to write that, my heart goes out to you every day and night.

11.      You have written so much, and how much time and trouble this must have cost you, also the translation of part of your book, much thanks for it.  When I read all this I think how much you are like unto your dear mother who is with Jesus. 

12.      She has taught me much all those times that I could be with her to be at her side with the birth of her four last children, and also when she was sick outside in that little room.  I was so pleased to be able to go to her in the evening after work to sit with her a while and listen to her.

13.      O how very much you are like her my dear boy, and how much I loved her. What shall I write you?  I cannot help it that my heart goes so much out to you, it cannot be different, you are to me the dearest that I have on earth.  I will send you a picture this time, taken in my room by a nephew. 

14.      When I think of my house being finished and then you come, O how glorious that would be.  You said you had only given a little, but for me it is a sea full.  But in the first place you must be happy with your wife and children.  You are to me a gift of the Lord, and I am very happy with that.

15.      But I would that you were happy with your own family, with them to be happy first. To me you are a gift of the Lord, and I am very glad with that, but I would like you to be happy with your own family also.

16.      You cannot get over it, so you said, and so it is with me that I have a son that I love with my heart with whom I can share happiness and sorrow.  I am very happy with your letters, and I wrote that I was busy with it the whole morning, but the afternoon was also taken up with it, reading and rereading, and my love for you is strong. 

17.      I love you as a mother, what then shall God's love be who is much greater and stronger, keep yourself to Him my dear Leonard.  You rejoice in writing me, and I hope we may do so for a long time, the Savior has given us the love in our hearts, you also He loves, He will help you, also in your marriage.

18.      Good by my dear boy, I hope to hear from you soon, write me what bothers you, and where you have difficulties with.  God's blessing for you and your family.  Good-by dear treasure, a kiss from your mother.

 

LETTER 15  Ann - Feb 12 1989

My dear Leonard.

1.        Yesterday I received the letter with the song which you made for me, much thanks for it, it looks like from the Song of Solomon, but I would that you sent your wife such a song. 

2.        I think it sad that you are not fully happy with her my dear boy.  Roger wrote me that he was very happy with his wife and two dear children, and I hoped that you would also write that, but I noticed quickly, though you did not write so, that you were not. 

3.        When your mother had to leave she had me called to her, and asked me if I would be mother for you children, but this did not come to pass, I was sent away.  You wrote once that it was not of my will, but the reason was different, and I had to grieve for it thirty five years now.

4.        And when you sought contact and wrote me many letters, through them you became my dearest child.  I hope from the heart that we may always keep this contact till death separates us, but also I hope that Edith and you will love each other very much, for this I pray.

5.        According to me your letters take about nine days en route, that is not all that long, for if you look at the map we are a long distance apart, but with my heart I feel we are close together. 

6.        Will you write me who Anaheim is; I have not understood that.  Though there are many beautiful things in life it is often difficult and heavy, then I sing, when you are in need knowing no way out, never forget that God does not leave you.  It is marvelous that in our troubles we can always trust on him.

7.        How is it possible that it works so well between us, I am so happy with it, I had never dared to hope for this.  I loved all eight of you equally, but now that I have such good contact with you, you have become to me the most dearest. 

8.        I already long for your next letter, last Sunday I mailed the previous letter, and this Sunday the next.  If correct you will receive my previous letter tomorrow.  I am again at the end of this letter, and wish you God's blessing. 

9.        Much love from your loving mother.  What a great privilege to be a child of God, and to receive Jesus as our Savior.